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下班回家，淋浴。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsu06KdECph
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaySkZE1Jg
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCnc96ge3v
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUY4odF6Kvz
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzkIRv41yh
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmhlRA1397
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwYclAb15E
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mzdeeERSH
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Lq8NyDZue
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6m1UOeFPl
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfT4hLLxabq
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocbVcoRfZN
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGf8AD8TGX
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlz8Kkj5YE7
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnorV4FgkG
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6saWCeGIVI
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5ydUekCbV
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWpEdFfg1w
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlMncDWnUV
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVWoFdpGZN
啪——啪——571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZjLeb3tnx
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJUT0tdfFL
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL383aKLphP
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkGhVGJxhM
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEuwdvngSW
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQRyEpvbwt
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNISVlh9DDS
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6gOP4QAvT
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkV5BVpHXqx
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFotme9vNrk
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQFOrRlXpJ
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhbQmcPAct
算了吧。沒所謂。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQtL03YPqw
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ybZuX8zU4
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzLDFzPp4v
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwv8Hx4e6l0
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFPYzhi27I
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRPvvlEQIX
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmm5VBgn8Um
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeA7dOyjCP
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOw1D4l0mnR
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3bLaE6LgV
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1cBNp6syq
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztUVcbowCv
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2f6aPbPGo
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBWLFMW2h3
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXcciR1LxE
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfzBCRqyRr
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSpXQEOfgJ
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJi6rx32HQZ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mnqulG4Ze
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52HHM3Xtvs
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeePnY4bsqi
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYY1YohuOX
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LpipBMU5v
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUFMw9V1Q0
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRN0GcTPfTX
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTc66lTe8IX
我頭也不回開門離家。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFW5wdSMHc
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16PZJWTrG7
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Z7DDKHoXk
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAb8H91hKS
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSMdIPkqQ0
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pNTg5CBBb
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqKbNwgqEv
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8RjlafxN7
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNu6cofG4OB
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQgKneuHSL
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZhnx5qYJZ
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡladLKoEixl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRckvH3q7dT
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUczK6T9tkh
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZTPAfiOty
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMZAYMVyA6
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNuIGJoQps
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Fq1wG9YdK
「你不開心？」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxDA44oZr6
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuufdY3yBsR
「是的。但與你無關。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMdwD13e2B
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHvsgKChbj
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwAcDS3ga6
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QhP29h4ar
「還有菸嗎？」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUO89Degvx
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1R8eRgg7Dg
「有。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceZqunqByF
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJsxG5Thaf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYhy3i3zIv
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFTsFBsCf2
「俊仔還好嗎？」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMJ5pTDYW8
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8dPycX9MW
「與你無關。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfvG81ioXm
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZ68HvQjDP
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJE2w509V5
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KZn14w3h6
我幽幽一笑。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefN5JO2cAU
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinC5H674Ug
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MT63RxYcx
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSioQGlrOw
「多少？我付！」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGWTc7jaWb
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4u9iShzdQF
「五萬七千五百元。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5QHJPtDER
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2fmDJ96uT
「好！沒問題！小意思！」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhTs9rZEgv
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIo8DsfEKB
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOugjUDvGP
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzfRs4re3k
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2hgJ83ZEw
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17YZiTEGEJ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUU8DIwqUxM
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhWQjM7QPB
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPPKQjxwK9
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8LSgtyuc2
「阿顧，對不起。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JQ2XrLn9N
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SnjBHvVE4
「道歉有屁用！」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WYLi3AAXJ
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EN2NXJ4wV
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFFdLzv5Zs
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQz9qQqmXls
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3DxtJfbJF
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX372WBpbPO
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1rxPtUwsM
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjL6imwKhZ1
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUda4WM5vm
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxef0cQT1i
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBxBeypHzn
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡampoUfHKUi
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLFSXI11vs
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCi3Zzf1fT
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZiOhIqNCk
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3edpCUL1K1
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpg3MvwGn51
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMJ2AEkdvI
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUt69gQddAO
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEI8Z2I2EC
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw65ZUM4p16
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYt0lVG4EVc
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuP3GgZzpu
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg0vTy2dIF
我活該……我活該……我活該……571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxXEJsPRSk
571Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3LJFNi0Nw
我如此催眠自己。
