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下班回家，淋浴。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbhORFIT6l
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GBLlIzetB
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TbpKtneUM
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqVDi6Kslr
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrXVFjVbOk
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLs9IEjsZh7
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBSjxUWOOf
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoqJBZrixe
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZHKmBbNNZ
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpkZU3xpcl
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57sK7c6GRW
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokAgMOcEOn
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyCCkKIecf
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfVwA2wls5
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxDHjlzOF7
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpmzyMf0WZ
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL43CfVCwmo
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPSxbcfFbl
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdG9UCZzn88
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NLxAhdTsQ
啪——啪——576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TcghBPxfJ
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcQS2rY09z
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXIaK3yf8y
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKia79QYse
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxzbiZXhxA
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuYtc8dNRd
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyhLgtGmZT
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfOgaceKqo
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdj8WdeQZfm
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCCadP0Jny
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8s133jM5W
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWyOTFhHIm
算了吧。沒所謂。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgA88fvEXM7
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhmDP9raTQ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGvXNODKdo
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfHeD03uwC
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZe2sPkqFbq
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4v9Q40wEj
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDSOXTYFJd
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiSlclIITL
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jHDJoioRr
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztzTlUgnWz
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXViLjoL3IA
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASC0VEVRsD
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPujaXenCcQ
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4Sr7zbK5w
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdnRgpKMem
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnStjkdAbq
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRnqgohCit
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4PhfmLQXr
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGXhn2keqA
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ukaw9zETJ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6Nl6ALfU3
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Q8Sd8Nwyt
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9omaBrhQqc
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKGeALpVcy
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHDEGBqZlZ
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKviw157HQN
我頭也不回開門離家。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVn9arRsAS6
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ381twi7f9x
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMiC9GpJUE
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9a66or2WxS
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGKb3UUYfM
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LbgGbwkAg
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7k0iI8W03
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJTuzIn3QO
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYh6duuyStl
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaI5iJJwj0P
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpJvy0VTbY
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMofyQejih
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkT8XFSRPpy
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ01DfeG0Q
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOIYVIX7jS
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSFo7UUnLU
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMJngnJXyb
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHvfHHW5dc
「你不開心？」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfzzuCckoM
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ve49yTQHU
「是的。但與你無關。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8m3YJ0Dib
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8fGqiEMVQ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUInVTBaXd
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGTgETNoiM
「還有菸嗎？」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYczJZDqZqO
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMBLTLKKh2
「有。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vmeotMvHe
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTurDgL8jIB
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78d1YlY4ja
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbeGG2Luw7
「俊仔還好嗎？」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Clh7bVFBW
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkiDalc9MDv
「與你無關。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKB8rNlXOUK
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oIEjavsC6
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgG1LFyXtf
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSU6k7p6kVX
我幽幽一笑。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTr70UsD0ec
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBmntDmldR
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7twFGxi3OP
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlnoC2K1Sx
「多少？我付！」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYMgaMncDw
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NMGJJiB5t
「五萬七千五百元。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsNfxcU3HB
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvmzeMJLgq
「好！沒問題！小意思！」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5X62a4m2eK
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnOf2GPf1e
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4plv9fQOFE
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zRASfbDJP
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVACOwTydiR
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vqKjvyZ7w
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYFfnXEojL
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaYi8GeYqs
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgM5rTIWroD
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUO5dg7jxp
「阿顧，對不起。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gADmlk6Hr
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4y6MTrYAnT
「道歉有屁用！」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwBfTTMKaE
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YaRFHDvtQ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIWiLLG2uE
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cDaoRjx4g
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuj1skJ67u
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqKR10EQaF
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSdwWcTeZ0
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fAhp5nubp
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtl6Gnrknc4
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kcMALgrKi
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0k6oow5qs6
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWmfAN735T
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLj7zn2H8Bm
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHUHfGhJJH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvuiYuxcbY
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfcIa6GKmB
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqowEPL9rv1
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1T76JQPNSi
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDcGiLYAjB
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSHlnyKsSx
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZwS89iH7q
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeICF8Rp2T
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXIaFQjlmw
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbNkiuqCVS
我活該……我活該……我活該……576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22e89M1KFm
576Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkUWyjdSGS
我如此催眠自己。
