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下班回家，淋浴。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxWtJSZ9iP
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdbYOwAi90
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCoEUaUVMp
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMufGeFz03
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthgaTAdvAH
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzHbaC0VZK
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0aGEt003C
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiv2d1PNwvd
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdA9r2tV0E
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQsGcGTeE6
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbjGQRg0Cm
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eHzRJ73lF
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNitVSprQu
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6qH88SV8G0
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyogSTOewnC
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhlxHh5qi9
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4OwUnTc26
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43g4qHmmAA
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88caurEisr
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lZlsY5XQ2
啪——啪——530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3IWzCkDQt
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2kHsrnCof
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH23dKRHn1q
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPoDETKY51
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIycy1vCy13
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaVreQhh8m
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjIJQiyEay
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLU6otuNyu
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HxmBCyW4i
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSZsxAT0hg
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7m3m6UybTZ
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5r5iOs0l1
算了吧。沒所謂。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gfGe7fja8
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfLq0kGIb0
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxH7aPq4U1t
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NaxdGVCYk
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyT3HQry01
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyJNJzu7K3
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAJHCQYtt6
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPk3IBGcHEv
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHfkf4MGpT
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG7bsroiiy
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydTVQYIDoz
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91gTgoLg11
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8To5payquO
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfG98PwdEwl
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4TQVcVMsf
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9e4IVWA9DM
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWiYNsuqGZ
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRn24UGuXI
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZGk18YPHp
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkr66sMqKQm
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvu5NI7g85
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE81LXtoT2J
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFFkm8foH0
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnsSzBLP6i
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsjmxljz8n
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQG6NU2fPCb
我頭也不回開門離家。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9wWbfssZQ
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH34d0tmkeK
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKBGkMSHQb
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8EH3SXTGY
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWOqmHxjht
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZJ4fg4r5u
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUlHH4yxx9
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxnh0Vhe54
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRosoYPUvz
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJe9otrnGq
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2IWvkSLpn
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQawr3SEJU
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmfIbAj9ru
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ptvP6ti5c
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzVEYP40Oo
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Lwx4IUonm
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsx6Jsq0p3
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR657Jbzny5
「你不開心？」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEV1X6n0CRk
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2HLCAD7q5
「是的。但與你無關。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhCrXtFsV7
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQC8bef466Y
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26A1v7lDBn
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHMNlPRN4S
「還有菸嗎？」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOJCbL9qjR
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodxqKQCoSl
「有。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniaQ4n2hs4
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLgVlmkkHo
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3NSW8PXPZ
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AvmEbkcig
「俊仔還好嗎？」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKczHTfXDnE
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOydmvDc9R
「與你無關。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOi4eVEecz
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUW1yFakJ6
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzvcQg5Ese
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaAULQJBXS
我幽幽一笑。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYtjWL78rL
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNu4V29boQg
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkUJnyL9Ea
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37pD7vzRbe
「多少？我付！」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tmopVL0OW
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVfkAHtz3p
「五萬七千五百元。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsDFEhbBb3
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BAenvUuFM
「好！沒問題！小意思！」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykTu7Nu26t
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfkeLT5xGi
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAtp69E9eO
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaf7OOwyLVh
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqheVLdVWgc
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbHTclGsS6
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKn3ktIGE6
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8i555i3ZF
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFQfEaVBjM
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkqe1FEkcy8
「阿顧，對不起。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhFXaxZBzs
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREu87cqOnR
「道歉有屁用！」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3C1BAzZNS
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfBrFnSCMH
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtveOOYcP4
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bGAgqdEmZ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbh8YNQuAx5
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiLzwI3A8V
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJH5Ol5uem
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLc44GrrUJ7
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTb8ereOLl9
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmbF8VVUx1
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeT1ssdB6e
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jQEuoWkpg
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PxCxPwpqM
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTjO0lvDcO
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkM4ZYNzu9Q
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOK4GKpkPkz
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoFFXrZmFD
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jK2M3wVoo
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTODbLGOKYZ
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMe2MSnuviS
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTFI8zbtH0
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHMH6GicmW
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMQi30RqV6
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQQad41sMY
我活該……我活該……我活該……530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rRTHIdBEq
530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnRJ9QVvmG
我如此催眠自己。
