Title: Maât  - 2024

Sooo, here we go. I focus this series on the ancients Egyptians gods with my own interpretation.

In this series I worked on the posture and the facial features as mentioned before. This drawing is the one that I put on my Penana’s profile, but I added the red color afterward. I used a black felt pen for the background and it worked pretty well, the red one was a little to dark for me, I wanted a lighter tone. Well, I had no choice but to let it be as I already put that color. The fire was made with just pencils color.

**Prayer of Rededication to Yahweh, Yeshua, and Shekinah**

Heavenly Father, Yahweh,

In humility and reverence, I come before You today, seeking to rededicate my life wholly and sincerely to You. I acknowledge Your sovereignty, Your limitless grace, and Your profound love. I desire to know You not through the lens of misunderstanding, but through the pure revelation that comes from the Holy Spirit. May Your truth illuminate my path as I strive to live in alignment with Your divine will.

Yeshua, my Savior,

I offer my heart and soul to You, the embodiment of love and sacrifice. I thank You for Your teachings that have transformed lives and ushered in hope. Let Your words resonate within me, guiding my actions and shaping my character. Help me to reflect Your light in my interactions with others and to be an agent of peace and reconciliation in a world that desperately needs it.

Shekinah, Divine Presence,

I invite Your holy presence to dwell within me and to surround me daily. Let Your comfort envelop those I love, providing strength and solace in times of trial and tribulation. I pray for the protection of my family and friends; shelter them under Your wings and keep them safe from harm. May Your grace shield them from despair and lead them through challenges with courage.

I ask for Your blessings upon my work, my job, my businesses, and my financial endeavors. May they prosper according to Your plan, and may my efforts bring forth abundance that enables generosity and service to others. Teach me to honor You in all that I do, recognizing that every success is a gift from Your hand.

Lord, grant me health and wellness, both physically and spiritually. Renew my body and spirit, so I may serve You with strength and vigor. Fill me with hope during times of uncertainty, and let Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and mind.

As I step forward in this commitment, may my life be a testament of faith, love, and devotion to the true nature of the Trinity. Let me be a living expression of Your goodness, a beacon of light in the darkness, and a source of encouragement to those around me.

In Yeshua's name, I pray. Amen.

We've all been in the following situation before. You find a book on a site that sounds like an amazing idea. It's got a good premise, the little synopsis at the start is eye catching and it just feels like it's going to be a fic to add to your library and go back to read it again. You save it and start to read...only to find that it's poorly written. No paragraph breaks, generally poor grammar, text speech, numbers where the word should be, etc. So, not wanting to put yourself through that, you exit out of the fic and never look back except to leave a note on their writing style.

This isn't to say that we all didn't start somewhere or that it's not okay to make mistakes (I do and most of us are just doing this for fun) but if you're honestly hoping people are going to want to read your works, you need to learn to how to write well. There's something nice about seeing the number of people read your stuff go up every now and then and good writing is going to help that. The examples I gave above for what I would say are included in "poor writing" is the bane of the existence of anyone looking for a well-written fic of something they enjoy or is good on its own. Beyond the reader wanting to read it, it should also matter to the writer that their stuff is good to them as well since you are, in some way, writing the stories you want to read.

You'll still develop a writing style as you practice, but that doesn't really give much of an excuse for some things. On a quick note, improper grammar can work well if used as dialogue for a character who uses it or if it fits the character whose POV we're looking through. While we may write in a slightly more proper and eloquent style, we all speak like people when everything is said and done. I suppose this could be a time and place thing in terms of the poor grammar, but pretty much everything else I mentioned should probably be avoided.

Have a day

[Intro]

I-A-M-P-O-S-H (I-A-M-P-O-S-H)

Yeah

Whoa

[Verse]

I’m more than a diamond

More than a luxury brand

Don’t call me just a princess

Because I’m a real queen

In the stunning Chanel dress (on my high heels)

You can only see in your dreams

[Pre-Chorus]

You can call me egoistic

And think I’m narcissistic

But nobody dares to deny

I’m a famous star, I’m a boss

(This world is going to be mine)

I deserve much more 'cause I’m posh

[Chorus]

A posh superstar (superstar)

I shine bright as I leave the car

All eyes on me (on me), I’m in the spotlight

Walk proudly like a happy bride

I run this world (run this world), I own the scene

Bodyguards protect me like a queen

[Post-Chorus]

'Cause I’m a posh superstar

(Oh, oh, oh, superstar)

'Cause I’m a posh superstar

(Oh, yeah, I’m posh)

[Verse 2]

I guess I won the lottery of life

Tons of comments, tons of likes

(I still want much more)

Is it not proof that I’m a princess?

Is it not proof that I’m the queen?

(Don’t dare to deny it)

Just look at you, look at yourself

And see that you’re a real mess (you’re a mess)

[Pre-Chorus]

I was born to kick all your asses

Meet my prince and live in a palace

Hey, paps, are ya ready to meet (me)?

(Here’s the boss of the world)

Ready to meet the star of the carpet

I deserve nothing less 'cause I’m posh

[Break]

'Cause I’m posh, 'cause I’m posh

'Cause I’m posh, 'cause I’m posh

[Chorus]

A posh superstar (superstar)

I shine bright as I leave the car

All eyes on me (on me), I’m in the spotlight

Walk proudly like a happy bride

I run this world (run this world), I own the scene

Bodyguards protect me like a queen

[Post-Chorus]

'Cause I’m a posh superstar

(Oh, oh, oh, superstar)

'Cause I’m a posh superstar

(Oh, yeah, I’m posh)

[Bridge]

I’m a famous star, I’m a boss (I’m a boss)

I deserve much more 'cause I’m posh (posh)

Hey, paps, are ya ready to meet (me)?

Ready to meet the star of the carpet

That's what I deserve 'cause I'm posh

[Chorus]

A posh superstar (superstar)

I shine bright as I leave the car

All eyes on me (on me), I’m in the spotlight

Walk proudly like a happy bride

I run this world (run this world), I own the scene

Bodyguards protect me like a queen

[Outro]

I am a posh superstar

(Superstar, yeah, yeah, yeah)

All eyes on me, I’m in the spotlight

(Whoa, whoa, whoa, in the spotlight)

I run this world, I owe the scene

(I-A-M-P-O-S-H)

'Cause I’m a posh superstar

Rather than continuing to boil up a thread on ol' Bluesky I figured I'd log my experiences (thus far) with OpenSUSE.

The Beginning

For those unaware, I dropped Windows back in 2012-2013? Somewhere in there. This kind of risks blowing my cover but during that year of highschool I became the TA to a man who would go on to be one of my mentors when it came to tech. Thanks to him I in fact when from saying "The blue cord thingy that makes computers have internet" to "Cat 5 Ethernet Cable which has been wired to in fact do- blah blah blah" and to keep the story short- he got me into Libre Office (I think) which has been my main writing tool, as an author, ever since... and he got me into Linux because I hated Windows 8 and couldn't figure out how to go back to Windows 7.

I think it was Linux Mint Cinnamon I tried originally- along with the likes of Kubuntu, Ubuntu itself, Fedora for a brief stint? And for the non-techies who have absolutely 0 idea what I am yammering on about, basically uh... I went from Windows 8 (or in today's standard Windows 11) to Windows XP only XP was now free and I could do whatever the hell I wanted with it without being told no by Microsoft... because it wasn't Microsoft. Also I could have multiple work spaces without multiple monitors- I refuse to ever not have work spaces again.

Here is a quick video on it:

Granted I don't recall having all the functionality that is shown in this video that was back then. My how far things have come... but I ended up not sticking with Cinnamon, I ended up with Linux Mint MATE.

What's the difference? Well in my opinion, Mate is more 'old school' in look but... well here's another video (skip forward, the whole video is not necessary just pieces):

If you like that you should see some of the crazy stuff and even my setup. Point is Mate is "old" but cool af.

And that has been my OS for the last decade and to put it to you this way, I have gotten pretty good at running it and fixing issues with it (community help is grand). But I gotta admit... Mint is that "basic gateway drug" so to speak.

You see, Linux has 3 "main" OS's that all others are based on/around and the one I want to focus on is Debian, because Mint comes from that. Debian is the sort of "beginners" version of Linux, specifically some of its variants. Kubuntu, Puppy, Mint, Zorin. They are very akin to Windows in terms of look and feel with the basic under-the-hood that is Debian and Linux. Mint is one of the big ones for newcomers because of this.

So I have always wondered if I should try out some other variation. For a Debian user there really is no point in "trying" another Debian-based Distro. All are basically the same just with some different configurations and programs (for the most part) so that got me looking outside of Debian.

In the same breath while I have used Linux for a decade, I'm not a programming hacking genius, so getting into something more technical wasn't really an option for me. So that brought me to choices like Fedora or OpenSUSE... I won't go into much detail but they aren't Debian-based, they are from different strands.

After a week of back and forth on deciding what I wanted to try- I went for OpenSUSE. And what I got was... shall we say, interesting.

Why I Switched + The Experience

First, allow me to run you through my BlueSky Thread (feel free to skip through)

Aug 25 @2:30: OpenSUSE TW has been loaded and I am installing different applications. Tbh I rather like it already, looking forward to trying it out for awhile and maybe keeping it. But in case I end up not liking it, Mint 22 is ready on a flash drive already lol (also just nice to have).

@6:05: I forgot to mess with the partitions and what not while installing, only gave me a 32 GB drive and left the rest for the original OS. Whoops.

@10:25: Not much for time under my belt but I find myself struggling with Plasma. Chalking this up to beginner's trouble, I'm sure after a few more tutorials I will figure out how to adjust things to my liking like I had on Mate. On another note, the software manager is slow as molasses- mirror adjustment?

Also having problems with adding applications to the task bars where either they refuse to add or they end up vanishing? Maybe I'm just spoiled on Mate as with Mate I can drag an icon wherever manually. Part of why I dislike Cinnamon was because (to my knowledge) it forced apps to left-center-right.

Aug 26 @2:09: Mirrors for downloading and updating and all that jazz are pretty slow. Idk if it's the software itself (Zypper right?) or if it's the mirrors... which I would assume it's the mirrrors? Not like I'll be installing software constantly, certainly not... but if updating is slow as molasses then idk.

1 Hour Later: I have been unable to find a fix for another issue now. My WIFI keeps disconnecting after about 20-30 minutes of up time. Rather inconvenient, especially since I can't find a fix or tutorial for it online.

I was going to give SUSE a week but I might have to back pedal. The wifi thing + the slow mirrors are an annoyance. Plus I believe I can update the PPAs to get the newest software. Like thunderbird on mint 21.3 is V115 and SUSE it's V128. Maybe I should keep SUSE on a different computer for testing

A significantly slow boot time as well, not at all helpful. Rather weird given that I have this all on an SSD. Mdot2 drive I believe.

I installed it while being on and off busy, probably a mistake... but yeah I was having problems the whole time. At first the Desktop Environment, known as KDE Plasma, was giving me trouble.

Without going into that one much, a Desktop Environment (or DE) is basically what you interact with. It's what you "see" when using a computer. Your display, your apps and how they function, etc. And each DE is a little different, with the big 2 in Linux being: GNOME and KDE, and from them come variations such as Cinnamon.

Cinnamon I kinda went over above but it looks good- not as customizable however. Like the big thing for me is when creating taskbars, as I said, you go left or right or center. It is based off of a newer version of Gnome, Gnome 3. Mate (again, video above) was Gnome 2 so older but you could do a lot with it.

KDE Plasma is a completely different breed and admittedly by several Linux Youtubers... great and easily customizable but buggy. And let me tell you what- bugs have been hitting me like mentioned above. Icons/Apps disappearing, struggling to organize them in the taskbar the way I want.

I HAVE gotten used to Plasma and have it figured out by this point... but here's the thing. You might be wondering why DE is relevant... well that's because you can technically pair any DE with any Linux Distro (as far as I know). OpenSUSE has a Mate version, a Cinnamon version. I can make Linux Mint load KDE Plasma if I wanted.

So the DE is NOT the reason for the switch.

No, part of the reason was because OpenSUSE was more or less the next step up from Debian (either it or Fedora would be next up). What's so different?

How you install software, the way commands work, the way it functions "Under the Hood" among other things. I can't really give it justice via words so if you want more, I recommend a channel like Chris Titus or The Linux Experiment.

It's supposed to be more advanced and have newer cutting edge features that make it above the mark for an "Average/Moderate/Experienced" user without crossing into the super technical aspects of some like Arch Linux or Red Hat (I am keeping it basic, sorry to Linux Pros that want to crucify me for saying Super Technical when it can be just as easy).

I didn't want to have to fight with my OS, especially if I (inevitably) fucked something up. But as you can probably gather from up above, again, it's been a pain for me.

Internet going out without me being able to find a solution, be it a driver or some other fault. The installer is slow, the OS loads slow. Plasma is a bit buggy. Being unable to use my keyboard once on the lockscreen?

Things that could probably be patched if I were able to find answers... but that's the big thing- I'm having trouble finding as many answers for OpenSUSE as opposed to Linux Mint/Debian.

Add in the fact that I can update settings so I get the newest software- for example, on Mint my mail app (Thunderbird) is on Version 115 and on OpenSUSE it is on Version 128... if I really wanted to, I could get Version 128 to work on Mint. And again, I can swap between Plasma and Mate on Mint if I wanted.

Given that I can already do basically EVERYTHING I want on Mint with customization and getting newer software and getting help... combined with the installer for SUSE being slow as molasses... like why am I switching?

Just to say I switched? Just to say I'm not on "Baby OS" (which, nah, it ain't "baby os" lol).

This also is going back into what I researched for a week. There wasn't a lot of practical reasoning besides Programmer reasons as to why OpenSUSE is that much better. The package manager? Flatpak? Terms I am sure that most of anyone who reads this will go "tf does that mean yo?".

The Decision + Why Someone Should Switch to Linux

Maybe if I spent more time with understanding it, I'd go for it. And you know- I will be spending time with it. I can probably still use OpenSUSE as a dual boot or a virtual machine to test different settings and programs, or see what's new and up to date (or I could go Arch at that point). And then I just stick with Mint for my main stuff. Can always switch in the future.

See, that's the beauty of Linux. You do with it what you want, you make it your own. It isn't a set experience like Microsoft Windows or Mac OS. It can be for the most basic of user that only knows how to launch Firefox and check their email, or for those who know how to code and modify the engine of the Operating System. Plus... it's more private.

In light of what Microsoft is doing with Windows 11, with their privacy and EULA settings, most people aren't going to care. Most are going to look at an OS on a monitor and go "Oh that's a cool version of Windows" or be the kind to go "My computer won't turn on" when the PC is on but the monitor is off (Monitor = PC to them).

But for those who care, I would recommend looking into it and making the switch. I was a novice that got into constant trouble with my Linux in the past, and I have learned a lot + it has only gotten easier with time.

Before her passing I had my Grandmother lined up to give Linux a try because she was sick of the privacy bs with Windows and how annoying various features had gotten (plus AI being shoved into everyone's face). And trust me, she was NOT a techie. Not as bad as my old man who will be confused on how to change the channel if you hop him from Dish to Direct TV; but still.

My gamer of a brother is considering switching, most of the people that pay attention to this kind of crap (privacy and terms and all that) even are debating a switch. Plus Linux runs on older hardware where as atm I think you need a particular chipset or something physical regarding your computer in order to even get Windows 11 to work? Yeah try that when 10's support phase runs out and they stop supporting it (by then 11 will probably be cleared to run on older machines but still).

I would seriously consider going into it... and who knows, maybe I should take this as an opportunity to do some sort of "Linux for Beginners" series on Youtube (SCREW IT, DOING IT!!!)

But back to the topic of OpenSUSE... yeah, not going to make it my main system for the time being. It'll certainly turn into a testing/experimental OS for me but not my main. My new laptop had Windows 11, then it got OpenSUSE, and now it's getting Mint 22 Mate (and probably KDE Plasma alongside the Mate, since I can switch between the 2 Desktop versions).

But ya know, what do you guys think? Curious about Linux or already a Linux vet? Any clue as to wtf I talked about even with this? Let me know with some comments!!

*epic intro music*so uh.i dont have a reason for this.

anywayssssssssssss......

uh, so i fell down the stairs yesterday.

........

im really not that interesting.

please give me questions in the comments so i can write issuesplease please  please   please    please     please      please       please        please         please          please           please            pleaseill get off your back now.

*epic outro music*

To the Iron Woman of My Life, Thank You.

I decided to take a break from studying, so I did not study last night. The mind has its reasons, so it did not allow me to sleep until 5 AM, even when I lay down at 1:15 AM, after a night’s shower. Thoughts come rushing with little to no consent. Managing intrusive thoughts is something that one would have to deal with more and more, as a growing adult.

For four hours, I lay there, and no sleep came. Even after milk. Sleeping pills no longer work. I eventually slept at around 5 AM and woke up to the sound of the alarm at 7:30 AM, but I decided to take more winks, so I crammed a nap until 8:30 AM, and went to work, yes, without taking a bath. It’s been a habit.

I go back to my apartment at lunch to take a quick shower in mad cases like these. Sounded gross, but I also made sure that my hair was tucked neatly. I was wearing decent clothes and had some lip balm on. My hoarse voice and aura always give a façade that I am almost always ready for anything; can be authoritarian or too confrontational, which is 70% of the game, but truly, I just want to sleep most of the time. I went to the breastfeeding station or lactating station to get as many winks as possible, although I was unsuccessful. How I wish sleeping lounges are normalized, like in Japan.

A staff came, “Ma’am, bawal katulogan diri.”

“Bisan two months pregnant, Miss?”

Nitutok ang staff. Dili sha pa joke.

“Two months pregnant sa pagkaon, ug sa bilbil,” I thought.

I wanted to tell her to give me just 30 minutes, but her expression told me that the case was closed, and so I went out.

Goodness, my humor or “walay buot”tactic which saves me most of the time, did not save me for today. I returned to the office, gulped two espresso shots, hoping that they would work, and went back to life’s drill.

The breastfeeding station’s window glass has an image of a woman holding a baby. The image reminded me of my mother and her career as a gynecologist. Times like these made me wonder how my mother made it throughout alive, juggling scholarships, med-school, and as a working, hands-on mother. She was also a responsible eldest sister of a brethren of five.

Not to mention her late night to early morning working hours; 3 AM she’s called by the resident doctors, because of operations, and all. I knew that she was not doing all of these primarily for money because she does not charge high. She does all of these because she loves her job.

Despite her brains and mathematical prowess, she was not business-minded, which made me question her choices sometimes. She’s innately very altruistic and down-to-earth, despite her strict attitude, and elite social connections, which she got as she went up the ladder.

I learned from her, that connections do not automatically equate to relationships. Connections are bounded on transactions, or the possibility to transact in the near future. Relationships are bounded on alignment and to stick with each other, through thick and thin.

She was not a believer in friendships arising from transactions. She befriends one because of aligned values and virtues. That’s how stone-hearted and pure-hearted she can be, but once she’s got you, her loyalty is fierce and unwavering. That’s why she remains to be a good and strong wife, despite the countless times, when she could have ended her marriage with my father, with my consent.

Though her schedule is always packed, she has her way of keeping track of me in her typical nonchalant way. She does not say, “How are you?.” Instead, she asks, “Do you still have enough paper to write on?,” well-knowing that I write and scribble a lot, to clear my thoughts.

She does not hug and say sweet words, but I just know that she cares, and she cooks good food; she makes time despite her busy schedule and drops me at school. She guided me through my homework until she saw that I could handle it on my own, and then let me continue independently. She was never fond of tutors. She was never fond of baby talk.

She did not spoil me with material things; the first phone I got was through my earnings from selling massage oils. She did not buy me PSPs or Gameboys, though she could afford them. Instead, she bought me a durable pair of shoes, and told me that she’d buy me another pair, only by the time that the current pair would no longer be both presentable and functional. If I want another one, I should give her a reason based on objectivity and necessity, or I should save money myself and buy the pair I like.

Reasoning with her, was little did I know, the start of my training for my thesis defense and law school recits.

She did not believe in rewards, so I barely received something after an achievement. For her, with reward or not, one has to keep in mind the value of excellence and achievement. Motivation should come not from rewards, but from inner strength.

Birthdays were normal days. We ate out, but there were no fancy parties.

“One could be joyful, even without partying,” she said, “Partying is only fleeting happiness. Joy is another thing.”

Her “killyjoyness”taught me how to see joy in little things, and to appreciate life, with or without grandiose.

She taught me how to buy quality, without having to be dependent on branding, market perception, or psychological pricing. She gave me a five-peso-per-day allowance, in a peer-pressured environment where a 100-peso to 500-peso-per-day allowance was a norm, then lectured me on how much groceries are, and where our money is placed, from investment to liabilities, and why our family is not well-off, contrary to what most people believe.

From age nine to ten, she left me in a pharmacy to help sell some goods, in the context that “I can have fun”. At age twelve, I was introduced to a tax declaration certificate and comprehended little of it. Her odd ways taught me the value of money, at an early age.

She picks up kiddo Blanche late at 7 PM in school, because of her hectic schedule, but she always arrives, and that, in a way, taught me the value of patience and the value of sticking to promises and commitments. She fumes, once in a while and shakes her head off, glaring at me, when she sees how my white blouse turned out to be gray or dirty white. Then, she teaches me how to wash them and make them back to cloud white.

“Don’t act like there’s a maid following you. Learn to clean your mess,” was her favorite line.

She does not hug me when I cry or offer ice cream on a bad day, but she gives me a hanky to wipe my tears and sweat off, treats all my wounds because I always have bruises from playing around, and then teaches me how to treat them myself. She tells me that she does not like letters, but I find my letters tucked back in her cabinet, in a safe section.

When visiting our small farm, or province’s lands, she does not spare me from the fieldwork. She tells me to dress just like farmers and do what they do. She reprimands me for being cocooned in a room, rather than helping where things need help, and that it’s more logical for the young to do strenuous activities than those in their 50s to 60s.

Damn, she let me chop wood too, and all farmers stared at her like she was crazy for letting a thirteen-year-old girl do that. But I still thank her for the lesson.

She finds it a compliment that her daughter was believed by the locals to be a farmer’s daughter, rather than a doctor’s and a seafarer’s daughter, and she dislikes it when people call her “doctor” in non-medical related settings. She hates it when she’s name-dropped because she thinks people should be known and judged by merit, not by association.

At puberty age, rather than brainwashing me with romance and crushes, she taught me how family planning and contraceptives work, pushed me to have a cervical cancer vaccine, when I found it unnecessary, and let me volunteer in a social work where a lot of young women and men were sexually exploited in exchange for money or little food.

She did not prohibit me from having premarital sex, as long as when I engage in one, I should be open with the silent realities that, (1) sex can be over within five minutes, possible responsibility would not, (2) 100% contraception is inexistent; do not believe otherwise, (3) 7 to 9-month-pregnancy is one thing, parenting a child to be a grown-up adult is another, (4) manning up a boy who thinks he is a man, but is actually, still a boy, would be like nurturing another kid, but with more extensions and excess baggage, (5) it’s always pleasurable for both, but the scales of unplanned parenthood would be heavier and more prejudicial toward the mother, than toward the father, in a patriarchal culture, (6) guys who are not virgins are hyped and seen as “men”, but girls who are not virgins are devalued in a patriarchal culture, (7) man’s hormones are hyped up before and during sex, but female hormones would be looking more for the man after sex, (8) priorities may change when one becomes a mother; ambitions may backtrack or may need to be adjusted.

Now, could I bear such responsibilities, risks, and cultural biases? It would be up to me to decide. Life is a choice.

She told me love is not about butterflies and fancy dates, but about consistency, choice, and respect. A wedding is not marriage. Most people look forward to weddings, but not marriage.

Most people are excited with attention and hook-ups, but not with hard communication and soulful intent. It can wait, before anything else, and that’s the only thing that needs not to be rushed. The risks here are uncertain and beyond calculation.

Career building and self-development, on the other hand, need more planning, positioning, and attention; can be quantified by controllable variables and emotional intelligence.

Maturity does not come with age and perception. Learn to judge character beyond the latter.

Experience is the best teacher, but it does not mean that you have to experience all shit experiences, to know that shit is shit. You don’t have to eat poop to know that poop is bad. I can debate her, in this context.

Nevertheless, next.

When we fought at age 19 to 20, she let me out, with only a laptop bag, and it took me two years to figure out myself and stand up to her, with pride-- an amalgamation of validation, laid out raw and audacious.

Three years later, she said that she was proud of me and she truly raised a crazy, strong, smart, and stubborn daughter. She thinks that I am almost ready to survive in this dog-eat-dog world. Genes?

She was a tough lover, a tough mother, a nerd, and wise career woman, and a lowkey philanthropist who did not like politics and campaigns. Regardless of all misconceptions and bashers, she remains humble and principled, at a computation of cost that only she can understand.

She’s an iron woman. She either spoke a few words, or words that hurt that made me curse her for eternity, in the context of discipline. I hated her on some days. Until I began to shift perspective.

Her words sting and are matter-of-fact, yet her actions tell a different story. Her methods may be stern, but her intentions are good, and that’s her way of showing care. She might seem too robotic in my eyes, but her strength, grit, and hidden wisdom have always been admirable, often catching me off guard.

Her office and her hospital were her second home. My teenage self asked her why was doing the things she was doing when she could just ask my OFW father to feed and adore her, just like most of my classmates’ mothers at the time.

“Ambition and autonomy have a huge price, Blanche. It’ll always taste sweeter when you know you have worked hard for it, both sweat and blood. My ambition does not revolve around your father, or his ability to provide the world for me. And autonomy, alwayscomes with money and your ability to provide for yourself.

As a woman, it’ll be harder to juggle both career and family, because society will expect me to be a mother and a wife first, with or without my ambitions. I am so glad that your father was a supportive man. Most would place you to shackles, and let you do your errands for them and their ambitions.Your father let me be.”

Sometimes, I miss my mother. She’s not perfect, having fostered an iron will from years of pained vulnerability, but she’ll always be the strongest mother in my eyes. We have an uncanny relationship, not that “hug her tight, baby”kind, but I remember her so suddenly in little things, and those help me push forward and get back up, always.

Of course, she does not know how much I care for her. We are both prideful to admit. We clash because we are too similar, just different manifestations, cultures, breeding, and maturity levels. Scary, isn’t it?

I know, one way or another, we think of each other.

When I’ll be successful someday, I will thank her for reasons that even words cannot fathom.

Three words will be the sincerest thing I can utter. It won’t be the corny 'I love you,' because I don't think it needs to be said.

It would be, 'Thank you, mother.'