I was 13 when my dad died.
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It’s so strange what I remember from that day. It was sunny, like almost any other day in the summer, and I could hear the neighborhood children's laughs through the open door and windows... That was jarring somehow. In all the stories that I’d read, it would’ve been gloomy or raining, and the sound would be gone. Mute. I didn’t want to believe that the world would be so unbothered by something that changed so much in me. I lost hope in how usual, how bright, how warm the moment was. It was just a breath that stopped breathing; everything else was alive.
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I can’t talk about these things with anyone... and to be honest, it’s the first time I’ve written it down. I don’t know where I messed up, but I’m still the only one in my family who can’t talk about him without crying. Even now when he’s been gone longer than he’s been alive in my life physically, I still struggle to find peace with my grief. One of the reasons why I don’t like the summer is because of this feeling. The crushing feeling of losing someone. The crushing feeling of continuation without that someone. Since the world didn’t end, and neither did I, I think I kind of choose to stop my mind. Even now, I remember being 13 and younger better than I remember any age after that time. I know that I have partial memories, but it’s not as coherent or linear as up to the age of 13...
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It took me 12 years to say my real age. If anyone asked when I wasn’t anticipating that question to come, the answer to “how old are you?” was always “13... oh, no, I meant... (real age).” It always scared me how easily I would go back there. How naturally I could say “13” without even realizing it. How I wished I could be 13. How I wished he could’ve been here even now... But I think this is a step forward. Me being able to write this. Since it’s on the internet, maybe he will stay longer than me on someone’s mind. Maybe he wouldn’t disappear that easily. Although I can’t write how much he meant for me, something might be preserved.
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I hope you’ll stay.
I love you.
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