“When you had a gun to your head, why didn’t you pull the trigger?”
Clearly I’d reached the point of hopelessness. The point where I didn’t have a reason to wake up and thought I’d never find one.
So what did keep me from ending my life? It wasn’t me.
I thought about what the next day would be like. What my family would think when they found me lifeless with no explanation.
My mom would wonder what she did wrong. She would never forgive herself for it even though she’d done nothing but love me.
My dad would fall deeper into his depression — take it as one step closer to having nothing to live for. Who knows? Maybe he’d completely fall off and my mom and two brothers would be left as half a family.
My best friend would wonder why I never told her I was struggling.
I thought about Abbi, my youngest brother, and how he would have no escape when his older brother would push him around and call him names. He’s not old enough to defend himself — I couldn’t leave him helpless.
And Kaid. My younger brother — the middle child. He’s already spiraling. I would simply push him off the edge instead of letting him slip off. Maybe he’d decide to follow in my footsteps as he often does — then leaving only my mom and Abbi.
I couldn’t destroy my family. That’s not what I wanted. I only wished to destroy me. Not them. But I realized that was simply impossible.
Lastly I thought about God — how He’d lose yet another child. What He would think of me when I met Him face to face. Would He be disappointed? Angry? Or maybe just heartbroken.
And through my spiraling thoughts, I realized that I wasn’t hopeless. Because if I was truly hopeless, there wouldn’t be those people to think about. There wouldn’t have been those thoughts to stop me, to make me question my decision. That alone saved me.
And maybe you’re thinking, “Well, this is just you because not everyone has a family that loves them.” And maybe that’s true.
But you know what else is true?
Everyone has a God who loves them. A God who loves them no matter their thoughts, nor actions, nor circumstances. A God who loves them because He simply wants to love.
So you can’t tell me you have nothing to live for. Because I know God has a plan for each and every one of us.
So why didn’t I pull the trigger? Because I was able to find the light in my darkest moment. Through every pain, every tear, every harsh word said — there was still love. The love I held for others and the love God held for me. And that was enough to hold on to.
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