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下班回家，淋浴。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2yhKK2IKy
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyuYJN3V9ka
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQI3BEEEFEu
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3dNzQMEsk
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iNeanK7x8
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBouN8EGJ47
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBP6c0pjUXz
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrJXWY0diw
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKeJATzeX0
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH057l9zwr3
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7CGt9IzPR
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8T4bUrF3l
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkbBKALOtf
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9GASblWeJ
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWarQYtN37
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUMZvGzdk0
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHWUtfsmlO
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9tKxUQ0Oc
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05cq39wXTJ
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9bB4FZpig
啪——啪——636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mewO62Ibw
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3Ooy3tItT
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFg4PmQpUiE
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLZ5j7LAY6
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBxmE6sHmO
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHEnldeD93
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwo9Hh4DR0K
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXNoTtLyTt
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxINuuQOd3O
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQJZXrPQ35
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVjmL1YL09
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0njGuvO90
算了吧。沒所謂。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoc4zJIRFTN
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckyvRZaQGN
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpWF1mASEu
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUNd8ERSbb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCx26s3tACU
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUEStZvLUR
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsaGPxwB3Z
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP55prhwB4A
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7j8dm8knn
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnr9ZcJW2HZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡan2P5PvmbV
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYNzKEsduR
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pDztEaUKO
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxvmTbRZLY
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rmMnBCnNh
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HrIKzL6Q5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugWgprxxbw
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvnCxq1wre
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQZyvnenB6
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZurWF6utP
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDeDvVP6jY
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoezx5quusa
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoO379RomB1
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8PCe79FWi
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxpLKALgaU
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6lnqAYSTY
我頭也不回開門離家。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIJONE66aC
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHt18tnAgC
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzntfjwc9dk
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMs1g5YVSy
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsD2GV7DpY
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd80Z3Wszw
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54MZkmsnrm
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbkd2jqktb
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuYaQOQO7Q
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtN2Z1uQ3l
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgd10nSKB4H
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvh2o3ROpx
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODEow9MKiF
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3WdhRxbG4
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVAHF6IVwe
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJku2AZsIV
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJmFpxu2qh
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8gsKysg08
「你不開心？」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8UR6O62fF
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsc6lDYh8zW
「是的。但與你無關。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2Aqothkmz
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfA6wig8rfy
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwnB0927zM
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6LAWF5TbT
「還有菸嗎？」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJvyDQFZ8Q
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIYhnybnec
「有。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5l1l9zPEUS
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57cMewleWE
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqlrnCzepA
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyshetezuI
「俊仔還好嗎？」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqQHNxTUzF
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDg44cGD68y
「與你無關。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZE65OYib4
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdossx9u0u
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1z39NX7PR
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmAXuEoWDG
我幽幽一笑。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIk85SRMw5
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ErTw8EmYb
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HjXeGsKNp
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5VExOZP5l
「多少？我付！」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUOddZo6NL
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9I0LHWyQl
「五萬七千五百元。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4vkebNXEe
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZz6CRirpb
「好！沒問題！小意思！」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmgHLEt6PP
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCnInGs3DQ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSk6DrxtP8d
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuHgZCNrQu
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJ8Z2KZaqW
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJdvLxe3bH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRm3MXh4aNm
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVi3BUh0p3
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwuZlhYqBh
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yw7q3YAuk
「阿顧，對不起。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94Zc0b2DLf
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOubVGGIkR
「道歉有屁用！」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BgqQKEwYX
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88Gznsx3dD
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRr7h8fuoLQ
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TCqWWrmdW
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G8LfFefPx
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhVpkUeBWQ
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42IfMFTYuL
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCasGzKoC1n
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LZVVDAQPw
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdhb7LdTms
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecghRa9BEn
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtegFfAqsX1
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepbkhDbEot
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7v9cPDHrjt
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4ZC6nWazx
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ363SSnK9mL
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTedazhvGK
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnIfLe898W
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSUUTTmdLy
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwiHBwnZHl
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZk6YxxNj1
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCTutgUTZZ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMvTV0Ko0n
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyqFn1uYWu
我活該……我活該……我活該……636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnuXhZF5QR
636Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5jLBBlqZG
我如此催眠自己。
