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下班回家，淋浴。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TbduCJkPg
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRm0tl5Al3
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOdl7goSuf
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlY7wROo6bi
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkVLxLdGfD
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5z6gUnXcvR
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURlxNjw7iR
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmdmcqPkVx
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj75zuwDni0
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdUFAL5CHm
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3H1YuKj5D
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3utaF9S9o
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXqbzefKm1
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42gLAgTHDH
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuv4dyBqWmD
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC5ORIlYns
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcDUKrpU5U
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIbyqsTr40
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNO2jTQTFM
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsyjVdO8I3
啪——啪——540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajnUTfS3Zq
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCRMPQd0PM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcC9ObLqH3Y
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheO5bWVg5r
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzz7isNyeF
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPle3WixzT
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAJCqMth9m
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjYfqzlrh3
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0sHKkmDGC
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVo4SX3TLX
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHjBMlBNeQ
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhkHN2EmSy
算了吧。沒所謂。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdJ79zniSb
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDkKjp5NCd
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcT8ijYyJ8x
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9DIDWRHgb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobv3DCYdAU
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcZXYn5GBh
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjaXlyEE30
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNPL0h3tso
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q8kougCgP
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OI4gJKcrj
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4c1oTgIu9
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuMbv3lAJW
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOLxyt5YZ9
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CUhNvd5i0
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEo1jKYeoR
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iumdGYZOH
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLB41VzbjpV
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNTTPqfgma
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3KswWUrJ5
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO0r281iWR
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuH1cIaQyV
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpz6QqIWFF0
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIQrb2XcEe
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XSnGsDrf6
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LMhO5cnUV
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPKpPVidRf
我頭也不回開門離家。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdzEWmaipK
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKxJL8GXhc
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3E9KAY2mmu
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2h8YnLPyFV
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQARgwX7WUp
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Xxnc2M625
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQzSHnzUkx
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWB5iHOjSf
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZcyqnhTkl
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9yvswhUcP
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvanUHdQpAR
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAME618Huh
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWoigJJNk5
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwXORh8rhZ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lHLjvKadA
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGzVhj15h9
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCveIDrVDF
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6P7nUYrQpz
「你不開心？」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkB8byEpH4
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiP9zpTi6eN
「是的。但與你無關。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oTk8cAqec
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUIogxpzhr
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeRVUyRm7V
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvFmb43zoI
「還有菸嗎？」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Kyx4b8MaG
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpX6zzLKAvU
「有。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBdccNokil
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvw1ND4jD5Y
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAVdoY43wY
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8qdNEboxX
「俊仔還好嗎？」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQFo9zRkJS
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2ENDKa4WP
「與你無關。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNq7vsFV44
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89diCGOCsD
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG95MB0gC47
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZXqwrd3Vf
我幽幽一笑。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN9Js0kAXf
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcWBDBDxBB
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMiQXyqf3x
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EFI0JbchQ
「多少？我付！」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstZ8YctqHI
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqSD8UlXeq
「五萬七千五百元。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CyyTwZH3A
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIqLW83RVU
「好！沒問題！小意思！」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡED4ed9Zqg2
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkG5XCRNDaU
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxQn6In7oK
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVrLjEaQ0p
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYf7QuUQYnz
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7XqovUojo
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1eC0iLT42
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8xkI8zx03
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIDjBG0PsZ
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn83F7ljmUi
「阿顧，對不起。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQkgv8wC1r
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJrMWdANEk
「道歉有屁用！」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeW4wxVF9v2
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnIwvLcfLa
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHIjpNzuLN
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8T1fmtx2xH
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYpxnOgxpl
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0gPFcSjmh
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyrhm7iAXb
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTeRUn5kvg
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hYneJwM7y
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfzKMZ3xyj
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsry3mCSdN
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1y6ZP8w5ne
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVpfvSO0Xy
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVX2liTR2Lk
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAYVh340BN
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexFZwgoLBw
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDm503IETAo
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjR4UC4qdYr
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptvCetUEWV
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaxKoeszWX
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx24BW3HcgT
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt0WfLNWt1
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTob72b01gA
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRl4EZTmvQ
我活該……我活該……我活該……540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdF067RBU9v
540Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMUO9nRRvU
我如此催眠自己。
