x
下班回家，淋浴。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvFtW0VNfL
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRds8n2gHCE
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrltNIJa0kO
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeUwKpJfiq
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8elQ7Vljg
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDIgwQUpfY
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfRWwhuzcd
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQy9kbIiX4G
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNl7QqqsYm
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFA3vTlSae
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWAJPryNYn
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUg8VKXeAU7
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7GgHVQ4D9
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79T5f0Mey3
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYouXEl08ab
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9anoxbZ1o
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k0lupekbJ
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDbeQVfaQC
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8FjM9KwTR
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqceFw1M0FH
啪——啪——635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9865YXpac
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLxVx0GU89
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXk3hX327Oj
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatKPDGLcov
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpccRBOoMY
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XduNyyGRj
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhaQjnPQJV
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAYnmJZVxE
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPdzYrcX5W
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxvxl7mvhr
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsIJUZF0mR
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PUWA68Co7
算了吧。沒所謂。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6HJIDQboG
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42wvPjnHtg
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFVNSnswnT
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEJ2HWWJqK
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwEfBZ4E3h
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDS7RTOEGkO
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ3nKCczqN
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8Y3V0dVsg
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Cuc4alWA2
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhUwfqLjw6
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdcz42wkHY
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiialTBQSfh
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUynjn3c8LS
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMELAW8uP3
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtJxGls9dB
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5oHeT8XPa
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mmwAlRj9N
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkWuttuBNF
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56lDBf1cYX
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZjdQLQU4X
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUDbltbM6D
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqTlr11yb4
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q5Ml3ovuh
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UZ7N2siA2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtdxJzV74s
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacJTKsxYZC
我頭也不回開門離家。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEuH1UqDBV
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdk3kbkBHyy
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bGF8JLSZM
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcctQE6zWHt
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcyAILGs7I
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyezHGc4LM
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1eMBAWfh5
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtrs6TSoF2
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEV6MjbNA3O
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsiIJhFzKu
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISgGuUNWKS
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aHwTGXtcW
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKiNnphoD2
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqCC2d0Vku
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWbRpN1ZKC
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBtXlfMXHY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7izJoaj34
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1FqQ8eGaq
「你不開心？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpVbuji69m
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3j7Ap4yB4i
「是的。但與你無關。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpah49SYpgN
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnZBVBDY4D
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMinRv6syrL
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VWdg6vvQm
「還有菸嗎？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTvyFlMpEA
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYgEFfRfAj
「有。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKS0NQkLF3
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWKPAQDeTO
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xx8mDVdGH
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhzV0bfu2i
「俊仔還好嗎？」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyc2p4TgSs
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06vtc1031S
「與你無關。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QCq8fTD8S
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw88ifKJVFf
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJxy1tQshZ
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxD04oQpj39
我幽幽一笑。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvW24coNni1
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JwIEybXu4
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBJapWxoH4
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vvwlrqLu7
「多少？我付！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4FK9ulfaX
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRfBivvXhr
「五萬七千五百元。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUq7CLebmiD
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEIsESwDQO
「好！沒問題！小意思！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAMx3ytalO
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNolydFghLf
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQi6D3gQK8
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡectDWCkGJZ
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsemJzt4nti
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWGDyMFNPY
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1RwWOOPSH
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgRnNrGvoE
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hDism8SQ3
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKdByvJd2q
「阿顧，對不起。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6KP6yPFwv
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tluzw0a5A
「道歉有屁用！」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEQXGAwLWZ
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs11oKXmT2k
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSGqkMNCCj
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMizrCy2CXz
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsj8HJ13G0
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyodifUWHWo
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rJVD4IMJS
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVcSHOFyqE
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjvmHS4DW3
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHiriz01Wt
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlniWxtrXMa
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AM1dU1g6F
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMFZIgiQvw
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYezc9Tc4Sc
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPQClzkBj9
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhKMaVIZWq
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1WrIqeUrT
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OpfI1sJVg
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ71mP3k096
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2ZgTnrdrO
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBaQ0EpkSi
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrfJk4CfOL
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZeATJortka
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wPdXblRom
我活該……我活該……我活該……635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqweqikrUPX
635Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3AIXVSqW7
我如此催眠自己。
