Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuXm2WqsaT
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkfsIvNIFP
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3O2XOIaK0
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSI93ACWAkR
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYpzylCy86
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeDFjBjSRO
No.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhLnDbiT9I
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLTbxvYbvW
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmWCCrc4Qa
Then tell him.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZxyZ5b2Wn
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJJnlN0AGJ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbr5zfJn9J
I can't.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpBo42Lgl0
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvK28vWWOzc
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOatnjHAvi8
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2az2WyFu0
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZoc9CJrRzk
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNvi1YFOTK
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXUKb3kI8K
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccUWFNdt0w
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBpQLGRiwi
But can you let David go?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yqzHr1CyT
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0fjQZoNTt
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCK1l3SXBYw
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6s5cB0asF0
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3L8ijHPI7
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwt5dxsugQn
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0A9NUBMUXr
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3LS5sq8GG
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0UeTpgy8F
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJcpTRZ5H5
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknPT62GP7U
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1M09Pm2Of
But I don't.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGy3xynyK3
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6n9CvVJz9Q
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7WFkKBBVf
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9d3FzKytcY
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxU27818n8g
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiskc3HC5N
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknXID8F7NZ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc03MIXm42o
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeWOK7iCXf
Well, it's the opposite for me. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECf4tsFM9O
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWZDtIZhYK
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKhyQzKVJO
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbCJYVaJZz
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdcMYJe6pF
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalIikMfVWi
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGhSAyiVQU
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjBZQIP5VC
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWML1JE54zu
It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbszsBqoDZX
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIfTJYXzTF
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYY6JzQ6xqe
This isn't bliss; it's torture.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBodno8o3Dq
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR33JcLWJPv
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumLGiZ3239
***531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlA1j3miXPR
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaHtYRFe1v
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDbX1wvmtV
I can't sleep.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5O0Dw8ndg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6R3d4JYqJa
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBimrUxAcHm
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTeqOgcfDc
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfG6u0gbl9d
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QiCg8acuc
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusxb66KQms
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2YOA9kCfL
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jQdcC8BnN
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQqOfzxfDQ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9VVRhSnks
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0hxitum8k
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdPn7TMnbt
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhC3QLzUHIk
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07qP3VZ4S6
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8DjUTRqu5
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PsZePe0Bl
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3y3bFCjvfK
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXb5lL21DwG
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8UhlBTeWB
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRY2mg0cCB
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLghYgkjrGB
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtygi9HoBQe
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbQOyWvGm9
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKhc3talsg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXbQnUSVv0
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8bTTikDHf
The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCOoOQEhaH
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ277LzI2xVy
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuk51PVLxdh
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wH2XDZChd
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCJoC9p2NG
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXecG4j1A4q
When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlLacxrMxd
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfb8tZ4jsia
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXp91YdCmRP
For what?531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEylmpJYIXw
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2w11fvf6iD
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnxPuqVoRc
Nothing.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EwIAl75FX
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiLSC39YEQ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qtLz2ZBaj
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJ4YVeFDnS
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOB4ypimNYS
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWuNqDcyCQ
Andrew.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CCIpPsC4E
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0OfrX0cvrc
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEvpklCy6o
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60HI9yc4X0
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV1XD9MdZD
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSpMYlxkpd
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsM1O2NTZeH
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjl9X2pWDOq
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRRxi10lA8
I can't.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7E9GdGkPaw
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB40LG56xA
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZDo5wlBj9
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vOoWxxYzm
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4HICG0e2M
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhsBzY41K6
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFswYD4bthJ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTgEcCatfX
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzspdc6CBgF
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hElyRptdD
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6GtpIIt6b
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnZt4OgPm7
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigBbQMNyip
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjfNyjpbul
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3TzaHxFwr
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSzxN6sfN5
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQAwfEPY1s
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtOfdixuwe
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Bu3Ct0dHO
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpIA0c2Frf
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9jCqoeI8W
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gCrgwTePV
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIGxV0Nki2
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFvpWJfuHt
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWWFdsrsWg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DUHw6eGE1
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8sqoaVtnH
This definitely is not normal.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kyDKqr8Z2
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATvNies7Qg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEh7WLjmNuq
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDud1AY680
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7C67Ee4X9P
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqSxG9oI3T
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKOlcinqg9
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zaerQRJs2
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXqQzL43x7
Then I pause.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgxxddTBv7
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinExkL0xOZ
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiag4uxqNjL
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgyKOyYHfD
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcldXccocOc
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLR4c7XUDH7
Call David.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7srSWiKwc
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4GUO9fCUA
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4EWhsbhmr
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXuvYgWnxMh
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamoFHDcyZg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsIVUAgBEP
"Leah?"531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMXk0Bnaen
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBlJ68LTpd
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWiVJweAsG
"David," I gasp. 531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2xAdpbAez
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYLgqkmRDV
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeH1ijSfrKM
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHZGjTMJpg
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNwcORlHeq
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENW7dcDcwc
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2ifoXHFbO
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgQkCdP4Ob
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGP2NVsm00q
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUX0PlJBJeE
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJaJW1YSIt
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeZO6S1DZG
"Are you at home, Leah?"531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8VKYH1MDv
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqkBsMRsue
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9qL7yGTZk
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01SFfEgY5N
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI29405Gwk2
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjLLi32tUy
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQaT1ObAfr
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCe9e9hE3vt
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUa55UXcGZg
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucsqyGsAe2
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoS8SxfYIF
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hEEdDVj7e
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5PVXqrqV6
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0dMtW0Ql1
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ppsK3gCmS
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5zoIhPKH6
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPfPns1f55
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8oTrm8T1Dy
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsJQA2N22x
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvBPJQx7ut
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJnCULgwzA
When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwix8Sf5M3c
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs286L31TRV
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHI27wZSaO
I can't.531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3fHWzmvrR
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47Kn1dW3W9
531Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeepkQvFKU
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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