Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GQszpFsGb
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6jhrTY3AQ
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No.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKqyDPpY9a
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Then tell him.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqd06tjpG47
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I can't.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ud20ybi9y
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEXaZo3S5v
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKsaz86WXM
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But can you let David go?499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oRyNsI0lO
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYxk0KzlbO
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWf1YD0g2U
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWo1CvG1wi
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But I don't.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡweIDWjJW01
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56qbeH2Pbb
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcK6V9cek7
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhKS4Aqt0M
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLQFnz8A6f
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdTG9i4aaV
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpN0wzcMZPL
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4l1jpAMgrB
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***499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeUoHuKTLT
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I can't sleep.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw83o2q67JE
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDoq7qKwHum
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsOLb1n70l
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrbBFecQNU
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vH1cCOzEU
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoU9oQ6cw6l
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4O8d8rBBKq
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahWdQKOZwk
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQF8tIdMaDE
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtn9ZKG24ro
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlD6z6QHpk0
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOY0hSzL5aI
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For what?499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9oPkCrA0m
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Nothing.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlY4DZR42PF
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtIcIRfq5k
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Andrew.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7tU4nPk40
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdr9TznLbU
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3ZPQxfFqL
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I can't.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nYT1tfqer
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIi8M8o6wNE
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17tR3OB7Us
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Oz1LP8Eou
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICnBDgyaMs
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKVHWyDkYp
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbON1yuToA
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTcpCRdABVc
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEotccz4GcI
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This definitely is not normal.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchTLQM7uYN
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkvrwZRnTX
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlHfKix9zW
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Then I pause.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ilhcys8rJ
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalMHmt2seP
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Call David.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyGlzlzYDY
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDjer14gfm
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"Leah?"499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEl80az9VKM
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"David," I gasp. 499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhNk7un1xF
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiahGQsgpt
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVtk2SyjHF
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t7NoscvQC
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"Are you at home, Leah?"499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmajJDX6h2y
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMvhsFeZVF
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFiTgihoVD
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8aE4OUR7O
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nQW5qLVYJ
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLuj8I39wM
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYytiGyLp8k
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDa9RFdcps
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I can't.499Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1Ivo9aQix
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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