Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxO8VxCI1MC
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1V0rw7zl3
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No.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4oiIrrXkV
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Then tell him.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOvc90qibd
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbuooyeZDc
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLwpAUMGvb
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1oKdkRt6L
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But can you let David go?550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRbwvtD9Fj
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLVD4f1HFJ
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttycUST79H
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjCDFlE0kZ
550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5HILbSdDm
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But I don't.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzewqHlpTC
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxffErjCPuG
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSyoGVtEK1
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jwjK0LvGs
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNs8ve1mj9S
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzLdfHcZIs
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAY1Hfde1S
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvCM0UEewD
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***550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzGjyEFYg8
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I can't sleep.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkHBokYo0V
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAfPAZSBy3
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKjMcEtGYU
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkSmTsD2XF
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIecoPAL4Dm
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxVbPh22Rv
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo1XAQxuF6
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhCTHHpuNE
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTBA5oeXNC
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScV2Y0PU7M
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QMXGrk29f
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPl6Aco8k0Q
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For what?550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0wTHqL5wE
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Nothing.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UJeuEYtal
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSR4zWb0C4
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Andrew.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlugRZqC6t
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIC9WoUZDc2
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlcVeOQ0V6
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5wYZYr5na
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lYbCLtNhx
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7Rjg92LX2
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYW5Or43EHI
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ihs9pHInz
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQqVGuDDuB
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpvkm6dvaN
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54XdCLEfAY
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiGBbtgaHI
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This definitely is not normal.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9unOdEmpk
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJEl7VSSbQ
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMz5CS9lVAd
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Then I pause.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gKX06W2sI
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJoWhpzkx8
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Call David.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSnM1olZDY
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsfame7LQy
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"Leah?"550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8Y6vzsfj0
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"David," I gasp. 550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIs3rpmN5qj
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaK2CPDQ5wW
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVDlvjArP4
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0M4wbIN4g
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"Are you at home, Leah?"550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2f8m5ETzku
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3EVSDxqdv
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJGyAUHcdH
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXwAbDWxmD
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOxbTZKUDG
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduiguHFw3q
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dFKYd98rR
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6WHEbI1hV
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELRJvTfT08
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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