Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.550Please respect copyright.PENANAxO8VxCI1MC
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?550Please respect copyright.PENANAV1V0rw7zl3
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No.550Please respect copyright.PENANAn4oiIrrXkV
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Then tell him.550Please respect copyright.PENANAxOvc90qibd
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.PENANABbuooyeZDc
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 550Please respect copyright.PENANABLwpAUMGvb
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.550Please respect copyright.PENANAK1oKdkRt6L
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But can you let David go?550Please respect copyright.PENANAcRbwvtD9Fj
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.550Please respect copyright.PENANAWLVD4f1HFJ
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.550Please respect copyright.PENANAttycUST79H
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAKjCDFlE0kZ
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But I don't.550Please respect copyright.PENANACzewqHlpTC
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.550Please respect copyright.PENANAxffErjCPuG
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?550Please respect copyright.PENANAXSyoGVtEK1
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 550Please respect copyright.PENANA7jwjK0LvGs
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.550Please respect copyright.PENANANs8ve1mj9S
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.550Please respect copyright.PENANADzLdfHcZIs
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAgAY1Hfde1S
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.550Please respect copyright.PENANAMvCM0UEewD
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***550Please respect copyright.PENANAfzGjyEFYg8
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I can't sleep.550Please respect copyright.PENANASkHBokYo0V
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.550Please respect copyright.PENANAzAfPAZSBy3
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.550Please respect copyright.PENANAYKjMcEtGYU
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAfkSmTsD2XF
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAIecoPAL4Dm
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.550Please respect copyright.PENANAZxVbPh22Rv
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.550Please respect copyright.PENANAUo1XAQxuF6
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAmhCTHHpuNE
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.550Please respect copyright.PENANAgTBA5oeXNC
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAScV2Y0PU7M
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 550Please respect copyright.PENANA5QMXGrk29f
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.550Please respect copyright.PENANAPl6Aco8k0Q
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For what?550Please respect copyright.PENANAg0wTHqL5wE
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Nothing.550Please respect copyright.PENANA9UJeuEYtal
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.550Please respect copyright.PENANAtSR4zWb0C4
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Andrew.550Please respect copyright.PENANAOlugRZqC6t
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.550Please respect copyright.PENANAIC9WoUZDc2
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.550Please respect copyright.PENANAXlcVeOQ0V6
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.PENANAa5wYZYr5na
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.550Please respect copyright.PENANA9lYbCLtNhx
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAS7Rjg92LX2
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.550Please respect copyright.PENANAYW5Or43EHI
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 550Please respect copyright.PENANA4Ihs9pHInz
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.550Please respect copyright.PENANADQqVGuDDuB
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.550Please respect copyright.PENANACpvkm6dvaN
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—550Please respect copyright.PENANA54XdCLEfAY
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.550Please respect copyright.PENANAZiGBbtgaHI
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This definitely is not normal.550Please respect copyright.PENANAM9unOdEmpk
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.550Please respect copyright.PENANAXJEl7VSSbQ
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.550Please respect copyright.PENANAMz5CS9lVAd
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Then I pause.550Please respect copyright.PENANA2gKX06W2sI
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.550Please respect copyright.PENANAqJoWhpzkx8
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Call David.550Please respect copyright.PENANAeSnM1olZDY
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.550Please respect copyright.PENANAdsfame7LQy
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"Leah?"550Please respect copyright.PENANAa8Y6vzsfj0
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"David," I gasp. 550Please respect copyright.PENANAIs3rpmN5qj
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.550Please respect copyright.PENANAaK2CPDQ5wW
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.550Please respect copyright.PENANAGVDlvjArP4
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.550Please respect copyright.PENANAX0M4wbIN4g
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"Are you at home, Leah?"550Please respect copyright.PENANA2f8m5ETzku
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.550Please respect copyright.PENANAi3EVSDxqdv
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."550Please respect copyright.PENANArJGyAUHcdH
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.550Please respect copyright.PENANAaXwAbDWxmD
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"550Please respect copyright.PENANAvOxbTZKUDG
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.550Please respect copyright.PENANAduiguHFw3q
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.550Please respect copyright.PENANA9dFKYd98rR
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.550Please respect copyright.PENANAX6WHEbI1hV
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I can't.550Please respect copyright.PENANAELRJvTfT08
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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