I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0zlhFOzrw
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRXHYg1AnM
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyrR37QtYx
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxa2tulJ6P
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooizJbqvED
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWu4bFLROf
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY52cQDUuB
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRINQ5CWd6
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQrahgjJAh
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gmnVK3vVh
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"You know... It's okay to feel."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgG6kPOLtcF
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaYdLC3DzX
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"It's true."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDC6v0rtYl
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmc1XaueHL
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyK72a9HuE
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVK6uccgMGL
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrodD7LTM8D
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38yCGDKYjB
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZe3ofibyFN
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFSt4W0ZKy
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCto4znWmO
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0K2FldQUp
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sEbEinDoC
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47R3AX93Ha
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOm1n3zWzAh
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRRnkKcHPo
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHndQjEgJz
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyuz8aiNMv
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He starts talking again.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mCYIiIwKD
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1PEsz3hc8
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd30DoIaOzD
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"What did she die from?"664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilIrGOmg4S
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1t0bVbmOF
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AdDgkAPOi
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJTzUw6Gj9
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUzpERBjgP
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLxNVKxdQj
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPoYzJNdqg
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRnHv9CyGy
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3HwewjCHO
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqCxAjU9WG
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4XapnlJzG
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8tCJztHKx
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UW6Lw2LFg
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZwGb7XKL3
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbO1KLkT0SY
664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfIzm6iSVp
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGU6xA7mne
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.664Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7vuFzPfsw
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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