I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKSuVrAtRv
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8GTHBnBxj
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1gkP0N6O1
I was crying in my sleep. Great.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNIoBMSvXq
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiY3HWgqwWW
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSSlr2gOUc
What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40XOmIve09
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFqJKeYmxb
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhl623AE7Qa
I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMc6hNKKCW
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXE2Zej1UIm
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywAGWR604r
"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SNBGRYsPt
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5e7jnoMYF
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKQ4YF9O2P
I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMeb1nKKJe
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDA8UQTnqrc
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMQD9JwmBH
"You know... It's okay to feel."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfiD7BTAjc
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyAPeSbUXZ
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTfEZ0qkql
"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqIkyqRRyx
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNE80f2O2N3
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tH4imezzJ
"It's true."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhYqUhnUN6
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFDpIqho6W
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡju7hsxuxj7
I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroMn1fw3iv
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7gOMXOMcM
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6O3R9CLv0O
"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfEb9b5V3y
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcKWEN4xi3
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5hz4cNb5n
I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRJ51KSaMl
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDvQNdq33v
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMD3gwxL81
"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCwDsPu6MB
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rXJMvNlaD
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpydp9c2cMR
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hIMhjM5Zc
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfywszkXQgF
When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmfWEbCwMp
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18mOJTkwXd
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzruGdN4mu
"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwHdm7jfCI
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1iR4QtOgf
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOHJzIun3U
I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHW9bfO0Nd
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0u0AWxkvh
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6KHHewFt5
"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOowe30n6Fb
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94DOPWkSbk
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3sMS4g8Ar
It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzff07XiEls
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiz4xQWiZhB
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVWNRwD22C
Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQssYSkHEb5
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozJAm5sdNZ
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLINpo9mn6i
He starts talking again.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoBKzViZWQ
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EonsjHF03
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEeyLgrMiS
"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrXhBPEY6i
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPliTmIMPv
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGzUbkS25b
Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDJ2H9dzaR
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTczv6HQ7j
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvzZzKkh54
"What did she die from?"630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48Nv2fVDU7
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerdwYos4tF
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWHQg7Fm98
He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCRAGqx494
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpacT7R8zIY
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9un64ceMR
I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrMDDuCFi2
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrPcMTfSzH
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQxDddP4jq
Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1pub562Yc
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhkHu1k6Ga
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrWgVgsZF5
So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7IPdgRUFW
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLt8x1cmqS
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOchcTX06it
It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4axsMBjWoD
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXTdFicP5Q
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKhG0i53Gb
It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJdeo2iWad
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LxXDIXSF3
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDz2WpNO2X
And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRypxKXirA
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTK3xT2RNXG
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0It6yWML2t
Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tsoBRWVFL
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBefKnRhoL
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWmS71Jsum
Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1FUTZRnwP
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIH1KLHIt0J
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWY6QVtYUUW
It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowtLbVMpmx
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTKgSvpyVg
630Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYThjUI1BHi
I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
ns216.73.216.218da2
