Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLXD88mqdm
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5klaIlvyps
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No.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBFyfXGMiH
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Then tell him.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0okd9Hmmv
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I can't.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmutILXnsLn
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuRlYyGfvP
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9zh49uUME
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But can you let David go?508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQUaG8QrdC
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5NSeTvEaO
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CGWRtszYn
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxJOuoPOVW
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But I don't.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxh2jly1KhW
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbGyDBhBTt
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWBp2zRZv7
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SroM8okjo
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2d2tWGpEZ
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjg9xvMFgKh
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTWXScBHsq
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEaHUnKWwc0
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***508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TlQBsKSop
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I can't sleep.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfqUb7HMWz
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYTC6jWVf5
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27xSaWH6JI
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpuoI4x842
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SFZsGRUVM
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLv0QY0ChSq
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDn4PWzqBF
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZpUAfuYCV
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDrRUTA5qW
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4Ti5rSuef
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXF3xgKp5y
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3e4psMwr4
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For what?508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDdJSVe7rb
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Nothing.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMVXM3KR76
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsHwTrApME
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Andrew.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TuCJ35hcc
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QbYb55NYs
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlob7z6VUe6
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I can't.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV55MfaYaX
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WBobWH2Nq
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iPuPbRSwI
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6ykfCDJMl
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIecdMtikGR
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡschoHHT4i2
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fCYwFwnJY
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBCgogu2mI
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0MWGp3AMd
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This definitely is not normal.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsbbu10brL
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qjUkroHh6
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjR75W0i6WG
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Then I pause.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVJ5OtFDeu
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoG8Fy9NBDq
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Call David.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4TEA997ua
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUZBdjiQCo
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"Leah?"508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTQUGWTiaf
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"David," I gasp. 508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoW3OrzEmh2
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffToiZ3XPQ
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rHGX8rZD1
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Wpykgl5Ap
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"Are you at home, Leah?"508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxOZLTj7jM
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6EYFoXF1j
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FOPDF6wa6
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjyfj89uGX
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tOonuGGYl
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UJ7febWG2
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KPhAtkt9J
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOAxhd62W4
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I can't.508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktuVidhwTV
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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