Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxydSkTw9w
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9oOiSpSq2
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhJvkyctV6
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMkrS5dRra
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaTUe5ct9f
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5CApJfjtw
No.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiMA4RpxtB
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XJtDTsirs
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKdmO5E2lc
Then tell him.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaOoqelDhh
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNm9H8fYwjT
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMLRDfKKLl
I can't.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvagp801lr
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPw3gALWqLe
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVa5eOzBdG
"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dSTk39VzD
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShK6zz5LSE
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzImKJJfU3r
Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA1rCyxpAS
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVAIJYgXfH
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JAtv6opK2
But can you let David go?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddEXcsu0qZ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafeuNbv9AC
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBeuWm3D2cC
I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjhaGgJbCu
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqzId4SQsd
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53aR3YxnzM
Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6RnyGAQGv
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqTjNP0SnN
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJkyvBllFm
I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDR0YLFhTP
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQvGV6tAUm
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsKnNxiVRT
But I don't.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvZvOsjLj4
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GDXSAny4l
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSlOuiwXh7
I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uP3gegquT
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqK8jQIVel
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Pr5nvPw7i
Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKp1hOQAllp
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQJFgW1kFQ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjN8OSyKN8
Well, it's the opposite for me. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYt3E4v0B2
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RaYdJAJal
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivVJEyENkk
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHaSr8oi0j
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAM8WOpafP
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wcv3LqMT9
I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhl0NwlKDom
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqj6Z1afThe
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2TxfprWVH
It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJgdggo8th
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKIsDdCvJm
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHzz1uYrBR
This isn't bliss; it's torture.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnPbI2JsuYX
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvgYCxWJ6P
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhonyimCaEH
***467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlWxWMLICk
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnsccBdEpQ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsFsY7FtKg
I can't sleep.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFemvVEyK3m
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapwRjBC3SW
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAivqZNt8fJ
The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPX41JMrqgZ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN3qlSOUho
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cU44j7ssn
"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhMaxdXwFM
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqSjnQm4N3
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zThh9PkP5
I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkQuqATsQD
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvLJ470vAJ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPMPl8g0jq
I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQseqJgmKk
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKR3KS6HZ8
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTJAuqQ2nQ
This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIbcdlBLqa
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwp6gocwCq1
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSltqatMzlI
I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9t9dJa8s8g
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJ8rxN15km
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSF2ma0n6M
The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6N8HjcyNGN
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdw3YtzCJZ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODOQAqU7zg
Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4zdEFRFXx
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K3FPiVDUF
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J01K4m8sq
The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtyeV4Fbvc
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmcjploEIL
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8oesOATzMi
My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmM5tdQYSW0
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5yZMvcpmP
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeyUzEwXo3
When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW38lVzmbll
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DlV0L6iwg
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8klanb3lX
For what?467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaKyuf8XuC
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4x8V8NIwT3
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMAePT4KoG
Nothing.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iMQOTu6MW
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EKkLjFFDg
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvtFzU5pck
Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAH1ikRIi8Z
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZYy8hCio9
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0E6X6etyD
Andrew.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDzHIPVnhs
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwmRdFMtB7
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFTEKZk9ix
With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67oNsYjju7
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WJ7DFZRHe
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gWcdFrk5F
Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjGuFV506p
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUr7NsJxfv
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLFik7drwW
I can't.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAG59YCYFN
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVeTXJ879g
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjMwGSzCTi
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU05sUMghyF
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQqoR22AIZ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVGC9gyfiU
With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAU9m99ZB3f
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRW6F8IFMT
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbM9DkFT0n
I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8u8K3HXp9l
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdz1Osgzpfe
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrw0lg5BKR
When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCh73HetS4
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjyqJsSNsE
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUlF1blyrc
I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrIbXX3C0e
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2dlQZ5yG8
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGBdwLDPfK
Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡag5nGwHqPc
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhCVMbJ411
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjPILa2OGr
Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvYwKNbt9b
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAhlbRvChQ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ009rq17puR
"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJEZUqfnhF
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKDvg9DNh3
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWGs9wCk6X
This definitely is not normal.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMHKtdCub4
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbVVPF6P1B
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNif5yj5KW
"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ531I28ywcY
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVwS3mIio6
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgli39NdpSU
I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDIj6EkayZ
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXJOsoGCtS
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEPYuEGcaf
Then I pause.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazzsZPsQgj
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDY49Pp4s2
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVwRO90C2Y
Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4awplb2JLV
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrI3PPyl1HE
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Z2iVQ8nEQ
Call David.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ow6unDlkE
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3HpdaViUc
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYRDDIXz98
I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3A1PfHYbU
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCy5XS5jTlH
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYyCqg80Vr
"Leah?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw62fdg1AzD
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICwqAqM9s3
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEQ7h9rQcw
"David," I gasp. 467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjtsp7XJUCP
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJudJzgI10
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RUQWV6igU
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQEA4mkbvj
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRe35CnZw1
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ992Tt7gW
"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDUvaL2rgI
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczns3qqx3E
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxL3Rg9ArdL
I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZjL449lzv
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2D59Nk92oo
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8d5ca6vEQU
"Are you at home, Leah?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfH3UND8tN
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcyrQgaqAk
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqD6v65kCq
"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tI1irthkK
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6Rz6FKqeG
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnNz4rbwDQ
"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLw3HImvX9b
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkG3BB3E3YS
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGKuPxAJs9
"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjUsGbt1pa
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aFKskSeoi
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4errqcDW3
"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKvl6EmICj
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZtpydZdTj
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzxy0EmIAZ
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPW5nZMDfep
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8XRXar6uW
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Txu9neCc7
"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJdNlXjKez
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9f83gpMW1
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRC0rnnmq2n
When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddQQ70suZV
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6YCquGA68
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bnnRh0PWP
I can't.467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nRWBz7f5B
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32vOjSPH9g
467Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszRINWrjei
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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