I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2CuOdvB1N
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvr27gAX4dZ
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XtfW2zJ3d
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6hw29liMo
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9WeSCp9eW
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABvah5Gp9m
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"You know... It's okay to feel."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2MtMMGwsm
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3TGNt5rkY
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"It's true."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdy3IUYXAJy
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQC5qAdQxp
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1G7PnGiCTU
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcfiJFCi1N
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoJvc4sv83
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjpfcLm8YS
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeehCQQTWzl
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vPUbOlj82
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVm9GW5MKL
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq93hzIi5YH
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZE477H35R
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He starts talking again.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MHN65D6Mc
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSV6dJ8M76Q
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioob6PUQPZ
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"What did she die from?"604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhXGsJAX0e
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJMcnkjXRW
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4eEVrJfkb
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpy3bVFZs4V
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56fPMe5TDc
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYrDK0YfFH
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gS9W42yRf
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD2epi0epN
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLTIgxhGDL
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEEt3iESkS
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.604Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vXPARp909
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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