I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9g9SoMBDXa
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TuH24HmFk
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4uxpCwnsX
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZEjVwCS1u
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpb96YxEhxS
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsapHhTVtkT
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"You know... It's okay to feel."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48dyeC113O
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsv1bOuYGWh
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"It's true."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRqy0Ggz1p
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHxqcWcjWa
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5d5o1Un5g
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMKRVXaX4J
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboN1la2iN3
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGb3CIAk3QE
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCn9mkVuYP
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmA9a5HpmkT
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOD10V65E6a
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjezh9YGIgn
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr6PlrrwQg
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He starts talking again.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfswEWTonf
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3Gpz3VVlj
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKakJCIHMO
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"What did she die from?"661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKl8dnca8i5
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqejPhymlK9
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhGxrL2aVv
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1odrw7jCQH
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ1sjpvpUm
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NmFtqIp8Q
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4RXVcW3oS
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1lKXtrrlP
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYf01yN8ao
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS0srXpoIp
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZAKO3lKoq
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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