The way that Jay has started reacting to me, watching over me. Assessing any threat and potential danger to me. Has intensified since we spoke at camp about the very likely reason for my heightened emotional state.
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"Hold back a little" he says pausing and shielding me.
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"Something wrong?" I ask tentatively.
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He indicates me to sit on a rock whilst he scopes out ahead a little. After a few minutes he returns. Pulling his top off and securing the bags again on his back. I just watch him. He smiles and comes to stand next to me.
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"Thought it was a mountain lion" he laughs.
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"Most definitely a bear" he says.
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"What the" I say shocked.
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"Not interested in us at all. It's gone off west" he remarks. He grabs the water out of the bag and hands me it.
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"How much longer" I remark after taking a long sip of the water.
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"Around 45 minutes" he says softly.
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He kneels in front of me and I watch his biceps bulge in front of me as he tucks his arms around himself.
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"You want me to carry you" he asks softly.
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I almost laugh thinking he's joking. How can he possibly carry me and all of this stuff. I stare into those blue eyes and smile.
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"I can Taylor" he smiles back.
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"No, it's okay" I say softly.
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"Okay" he says and he watches me intently his eyes focusing in on me. He leans in slowly and kisses me.
Extends his hands and helps me onto my feet.
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We begin walking again, me just slightly behind him and I notice how his body always shields me. Protecting me from everything and anything.
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I gaze up at the midday sun, feeling the beams hitting my skin and enjoying the warmth. Our pace remains steady and I keep up with him uphill this mountain. The possibility of pregnancy for me is wrought with emotion, I want this so much for us. However the pain of my past miscarriage has resurfaced.
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Without a doubt that shared experience, with Matthew, was one of the most gut wrenching moments of our entire time together. And now with the hindsight that I have been gifted through time I have realised just how much I ran from him because of that pain. The pain of loss that we both shared.
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Several moments flicker through my mind. Mathew's understanding and love colouring his expression that day when he held me on the bathroom floor after having just realised I had miscarried our child. His hands in mine holding onto me. His pain which he kept away from me, so that I could process the situation without dealing with his emotions too. Matthews torn face when I left him, walked out of his life.
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"You know I just can't imagine ever doing this with anybody else" Jay whispers. A small smile stretches across my lips.
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He stares back at me his smile evident across his face.
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“Me too” I whisper and he approaches me.
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“Not far now” he says and his hands absentmindedly stroke my tummy. I laugh.
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“We need to do a test before we get too carried away” I say placing my hand over his.
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He kisses me lightly and turns carrying on his pursuit up the mountain. I can see the glimmer in his eye. The sparkle of hope. And I’ve seen it before. The adoration of the women that bears a child.
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I’ve seen that glimmer be extinguished. And no matter how hard Matthew fought to hide his anguish inevitably it was there. Ever present in his eyes which no longer shone, but looked upon me with just empathy and sorrow.
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Step after step I think of ways to mend the pain that we put each other through. I come up blank, but it is something I must do. Without a doubt.
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“Tay” Jay’s familiar voice echo’s back to me.
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“We’re at the top of a mountain” he says elated.
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I glance around me for the first time in what feels like decades. The first thing I see is the horizon, blue clear skies that when you stare at for long enough make you feel free and weightless.
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Next I feel Jays light touch wiping my faces of tears. I look into the blue of his eyes, matching the hue of the blue sky and smile.
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“We made it” I whisper to him and a smile stretches across his lips.
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“Smiling suits you” I chuckle.
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“You make me smile” he chuckles back.
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“I love you” I say looking into those blue eyes.
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“I love you.” He says back.
“Both of you” he smiles looking down at my tummy.
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