Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2nzePAKLU
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Wd6VVrMaQ
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6lvuYAAUr
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59vKq3oFly
But I digress.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxi3j5jZmqt
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEhnTGlwe3
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Wk33fRmTK
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBAn6ZvFpI
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMa04RE9a0
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRbsNroLTj
You stood still. Briefly.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHPX3sIbaZK
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaoaFKh3Nt
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FNFAAysoq
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueLBc4mc55
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6JdL7Qkf6
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y5ikLhkvY
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvDfuihPgk
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN8rYx2VYq
I let him. Why not?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZfqbuQd5X
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNo8hhs3qtG
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZa1qyUmv8
Only your personal god of mischief knew.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRPZS2jQKi
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyJNPBpboo
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVfZvlpBwZ
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL845ylSO5B
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksl7s414vN
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1i6Gh1UZ59
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsC3F9ZKnd7
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyamD6em5H
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWIm4R2ehG
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CYJ6nl1tE
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpk6MjqL1IP
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJo72BCiexD
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vYWoONScc
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowtjI6mTE9
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7CTkYhkPE
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhkVb3U6vJ
"What that?" you asked.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqgoactN3c
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKBfyqrzT7
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvKNzgToQF
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4DdTD148B
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbifYYdHzAl
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqdMyId6Pq
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpy5SOfuEX
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oYarZ26bX
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDowBsyyDm7
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyW4sQAX7O
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1ZSDJLRRm
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjNX0w7yLB
"No" became your favorite word.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJSRhu2Q3m
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8K36wZkAfZ
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAD9oUDEgV4
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrI1MbwmH1
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07JWU08Rz4
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmzqDRMWLp
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JSULWd1ed
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MKf4pg5NY
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNz5tv0h1cC
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcL0qF8VS4c
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QmNRkcqRJ
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82fEqP5mcU
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXFP073lb7
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIzW0EsP8u
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pe47c84rz
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhAoN3wFpf
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkrefAdjwj
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67bMPZ1jS2
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNyLc0v0Dz
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUYBBpfXJ2
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nV6cAmlcv
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ELgHFudNn
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLU2FIuD85o
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3gpF68OOl
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRlQU6H3py
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTD8ILg3Nz
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4kInxSqUZ
Not like someone who warms.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgLMDjYk35
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp07w1AtfP2
