幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
447Please respect copyright.PENANA4AbQkU920R
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
447Please respect copyright.PENANA8flLTC5b0e
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAN6aVxpvLFf
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
447Please respect copyright.PENANALOrW2OViuN
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
447Please respect copyright.PENANA0IrsxArui4
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZ5zTPsT5wm
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAOX1Px1Eyb4
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。447Please respect copyright.PENANA6vAzRMvPkZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANARxJFJfnD8H
447Please respect copyright.PENANA7CWEXfOHpP
447Please respect copyright.PENANAOaqOyql2SN
世界觀:447Please respect copyright.PENANAyNwIemlsV5
447Please respect copyright.PENANAoGpoYKoKp5
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPKhj6zrI0F
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAOZwIIk5DjI
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAJaqovkgK2A
447Please respect copyright.PENANALm8j6Pl2Lu
劇情細節的提醒:447Please respect copyright.PENANASlLjsMAcXH
447Please respect copyright.PENANAxtYEIVtUZf
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:447Please respect copyright.PENANAsOY73tsTjZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQHiUjYtgbF
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。447Please respect copyright.PENANAmlHYWlK2st
447Please respect copyright.PENANAEKXSK10tkF
參考網站:447Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7CwPH7VLY
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html447Please respect copyright.PENANAdA0cZJkZ91
447Please respect copyright.PENANA9lDDwls1S1
447Please respect copyright.PENANA7nW84Yyoji
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。447Please respect copyright.PENANAUEDWNhBYwY
447Please respect copyright.PENANAjToGWAfx37
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。447Please respect copyright.PENANAgrScpha8JD
447Please respect copyright.PENANAJak743iOtr
447Please respect copyright.PENANAghtNazwBji
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。447Please respect copyright.PENANAwiTn9LoogJ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKEfOAmCGOr
447Please respect copyright.PENANAU50jZjEU0P
角色:447Please respect copyright.PENANASCwRbuG9As
447Please respect copyright.PENANAE8TgTPkVgx
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:447Please respect copyright.PENANAaG1yI22JfE
447Please respect copyright.PENANAS0lAdq7M6V
主角:俊明
447Please respect copyright.PENANA0fEkpn43vx
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)447Please respect copyright.PENANABHmyljW61A
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsqWIJvupTt
主角現狀:遭人排擠
447Please respect copyright.PENANARrIOgD1ZU4
奉翊:447Please respect copyright.PENANAlrZw4BVJ5g
不擅長飛行。447Please respect copyright.PENANAZLxaF3SbN1
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。447Please respect copyright.PENANAGBnTBGhumZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAAlvl472Fuu
447Please respect copyright.PENANAVJcvoRhpt5
447Please respect copyright.PENANAqOFoiMcfXI
對於角色整體的感想:447Please respect copyright.PENANAgP44g3y4hG
447Please respect copyright.PENANACUNbwXZqDP
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。447Please respect copyright.PENANAEUHOsgXhgM
447Please respect copyright.PENANA4kk53EEDfD
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。447Please respect copyright.PENANAZQKYDSWEBk
447Please respect copyright.PENANA2oZYQL2iml
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:447Please respect copyright.PENANAspVbJ7MmEV
447Please respect copyright.PENANAr0ygwX12dO
原作:447Please respect copyright.PENANApjytMiG6J9
447Please respect copyright.PENANAeWd7WvnYBL
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388447Please respect copyright.PENANAbVQp6UwJvg
447Please respect copyright.PENANAjgPYGA6xOc
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)447Please respect copyright.PENANAslorCxm3xK
447Please respect copyright.PENANA33WvPuemoB
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):447Please respect copyright.PENANAiHrAQtF80R
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQJrUTRuVB7
調整後:447Please respect copyright.PENANARCGZg6pZbN
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsPHUldkK12
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。447Please respect copyright.PENANANZhtO7SHKu
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPMHbynZ4yJ
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。447Please respect copyright.PENANAV30mSCLw6K
447Please respect copyright.PENANAcDbxIwfIVG
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。447Please respect copyright.PENANAwp066FEEkD
447Please respect copyright.PENANAiOBF1fRlAK
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」447Please respect copyright.PENANASVWUorDew6
447Please respect copyright.PENANA6a9E78m9Rb
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。447Please respect copyright.PENANAXxxXxUaJjs
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3p25GmrkXb
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:447Please respect copyright.PENANA9V9FjUYf3a
447Please respect copyright.PENANAg6bTtMvOAI
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」447Please respect copyright.PENANA06B1dmrBN1
447Please respect copyright.PENANAfvMzudPKqX
查喀比茲?那是什麼?447Please respect copyright.PENANAagpZCAjTgR
447Please respect copyright.PENANA8QwN4YvnBo
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:447Please respect copyright.PENANA39BztzDG3g
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPjrdXHobKq
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」447Please respect copyright.PENANAzMEZXyNMvH
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQeL0oyPG9o
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。447Please respect copyright.PENANAsdME9Qhy6l
447Please respect copyright.PENANAXAgcTXHkja
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」447Please respect copyright.PENANAHnKdbzDOQH
447Please respect copyright.PENANAql69G3pehC
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。447Please respect copyright.PENANA7TvfR03Zti
447Please respect copyright.PENANAk2QmwI5kHK
他進一步解釋道:447Please respect copyright.PENANA0dcf27r1xg
447Please respect copyright.PENANAzeMo8gfrM2
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」447Please respect copyright.PENANAU3OCVjliGv
447Please respect copyright.PENANAqHo9yiRS6P
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:447Please respect copyright.PENANArj2857ZjLn
447Please respect copyright.PENANAnH2fde79ne
「查詢,查喀比茲。」447Please respect copyright.PENANAXr9a7y78rv
447Please respect copyright.PENANAVxGy57odo2
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。447Please respect copyright.PENANASS0akU9dPF
447Please respect copyright.PENANAayRDQpCt9Q
「──查無此項結果。」447Please respect copyright.PENANAwfZsIAyWMb
447Please respect copyright.PENANAz3juXCYhor
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。447Please respect copyright.PENANAu8x8VQOr2w
447Please respect copyright.PENANAFbMSeJUer7
「啊啊!」447Please respect copyright.PENANAqmTYCvIzGx
447Please respect copyright.PENANAgXD0Ebv9E6
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。447Please respect copyright.PENANArgGNlWvU1r
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsWpuTssWTP
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」447Please respect copyright.PENANAXR1BYfsy20
447Please respect copyright.PENANAgFQKdmMkna
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:447Please respect copyright.PENANAEPFof0TOId
447Please respect copyright.PENANAkcjhqigN79
查喀比茲。447Please respect copyright.PENANAstmP4UBNa6
447Please respect copyright.PENANAlcQGpwIn5e
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。447Please respect copyright.PENANAcSgZZVwA3S
447Please respect copyright.PENANAD88uPVzarC
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。447Please respect copyright.PENANApRZRmqamVs
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3WJOtP3QqL
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:447Please respect copyright.PENANAS4rQUPSiu1
447Please respect copyright.PENANANVatzgBG8i
「你、你、你……該不會──」447Please respect copyright.PENANA2taVIfHwxe
447Please respect copyright.PENANAhq088vaBwb
「沒錯,我就是──」447Please respect copyright.PENANA6ACBAtyp4k
447Please respect copyright.PENANAEfigvr5rYK
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:447Please respect copyright.PENANAkMTaHXoak0
447Please respect copyright.PENANA90FBWH2JxX
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」447Please respect copyright.PENANA8P6HPux6PZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3y9aRQOaJJ
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:447Please respect copyright.PENANAaXw4tXkgLZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAvng7ZGfYyJ
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」447Please respect copyright.PENANABUwEKNc6wB
447Please respect copyright.PENANAJz9N4JETB3
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。447Please respect copyright.PENANAGqd8m8gIRM
447Please respect copyright.PENANAY5p7cRRNUH
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:447Please respect copyright.PENANA7VTUXZUu2j
447Please respect copyright.PENANAaGoJEEHZgP
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」447Please respect copyright.PENANA0Gmq1mh2D7
447Please respect copyright.PENANAkQPsuhqPSi
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。447Please respect copyright.PENANAICxUCmRzCU
447Please respect copyright.PENANA0Ko99HlTWV
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。447Please respect copyright.PENANA6ifSxRDO6G
447Please respect copyright.PENANAl5gxsGf67Q
主線劇情:447Please respect copyright.PENANANr4buuLESu
447Please respect copyright.PENANAXQnmEkUf3d
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。447Please respect copyright.PENANAm7UfsRlYPO
447Please respect copyright.PENANAMpjhI2ZAdQ
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。447Please respect copyright.PENANAzgNlU3sdsn
447Please respect copyright.PENANAVCqFN8N2iX
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。447Please respect copyright.PENANAqFm0FEizXO
447Please respect copyright.PENANAzgbxMi6Ujn
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:447Please respect copyright.PENANAE3PCnYXU34
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7injfYUdP
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)447Please respect copyright.PENANAzoQwoMRiSg
447Please respect copyright.PENANAyAL7ZxlWOQ
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)447Please respect copyright.PENANAPRLKgmOhoG
447Please respect copyright.PENANA2ATrOmFhU3
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)447Please respect copyright.PENANA4HgGe9cWZA
447Please respect copyright.PENANAYerBRSISKw
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKP0Zfthitu
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。447Please respect copyright.PENANAQGWJVNuMFQ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAb466pgSXoU
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:447Please respect copyright.PENANAZc8A40Zlzk
447Please respect copyright.PENANAx5tNHR9KYB
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。447Please respect copyright.PENANAstQYPNml82
447Please respect copyright.PENANA5UQZ3AmPSV
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。447Please respect copyright.PENANAqhAr7G8z8p
447Please respect copyright.PENANAyudV1TajAQ
那麼差不多是這樣。447Please respect copyright.PENANAuO3wE48a9a
447Please respect copyright.PENANAbtdK7K65mE
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3nNQyJbjHm
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQZU9fcR4qF
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。447Please respect copyright.PENANAZgveyIOonl
447Please respect copyright.PENANAEj9ey9IXXy
總之加油吧。
447Please respect copyright.PENANA9xSjfWPhZI
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAnkSFvSIHF2
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAzuD9V2C8ID
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAyo96tqXya8
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
447Please respect copyright.PENANAE5AWqi1zxF
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。447Please respect copyright.PENANAynZwzLsOku
447Please respect copyright.PENANALIEv22Gk2D
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」447Please respect copyright.PENANAVjsE4arW3C
447Please respect copyright.PENANAHMyXqnRx7T
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。447Please respect copyright.PENANAPAPxbXRO4i
447Please respect copyright.PENANA1qKVMFNSse
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:447Please respect copyright.PENANA1riZtryG85
447Please respect copyright.PENANAyf7P4a6UNQ
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」447Please respect copyright.PENANACBJwPGL0JF
447Please respect copyright.PENANAHtH3W0J7Wl
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAW7RQpRza0V
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsfaofmiLPK
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPLPYiRgc5V
主角:俊明447Please respect copyright.PENANAMBtwXaClO6
447Please respect copyright.PENANAjygLrjdIvg
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)447Please respect copyright.PENANABOne1qEI8B
447Please respect copyright.PENANAWYFgNX9HoX
447Please respect copyright.PENANA1rxvaP5Nqr
主角現狀:遭人排擠447Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7METmwFBo
447Please respect copyright.PENANApJZmF8ykD1
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
447Please respect copyright.PENANASj9tK5hJSt
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。447Please respect copyright.PENANATi40EbqoNW
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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