然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLMsCd64Va
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuT96fDRqu
/279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAG5eakJtxF
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vnoOS41T4
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZtTPQOanN
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8SGbcz639
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfZDda6Og5
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1n3SRJjvg
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9g89KtINf9
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fCI5eKaEE
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcS5bK6JXT
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6xKwghRJu
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QQ60lOkqz
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQTBS7Wm4S
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLqbKoL1v8
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9uo0KegQvk
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkqjxsVbzR
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjm0R8vWBC
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡae8YJjUbAD
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Hh4hha0pZ
他心情不好便會打她。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdkieCUWp0
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53d2uXIFUH
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYOiIdgV3t
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVcQs0kA2Q
一下一下打下去。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dTSjzds9D
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrVMfSeuuz
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHc7CtVUcm
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseKzHqY54h
「我無唔聽話呀！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQArZC2ydpI
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYo9kQwRVQ8
「仲講大話！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyp4DImszA
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQ2GLtNsGg
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DAc11WNg1
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tjyhp91vE
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVXmnLklY4
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKj9W1kq3D
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoXGeMxJxh
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclsKiIwR6M
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeG1uZwIiaS
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc31bekc2Z3
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAHEcly5PX
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRZ6GGK9hJ
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1Hfc1e4TN
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLkIURCl99
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2wmo6kTho
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bbVyZO5B4
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3xWdIMEJt
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2rEhb1qo8
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7ek06YOTY
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmg2WaNoScR
/279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWkuyhOblh
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjHA3AgChF
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHhBONvOSj
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbME5RxKuuI
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewW7MrOnZo
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZhUBwSYRY
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WIFhhT391
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyjLogJmU2
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAE38wgdNv
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8TBBKPcbE
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssybdbpYMN
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoVCEFQWyv
「熊仔去咗邊？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHduuq7zGJ
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdo9Iwnbl3N
「我抌咗。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHmh0fvy3a
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDBHPDd7cJ
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWELrsGimh0
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNbbmX0sTq
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUsDMTSBVA
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKejKjeE7ZM
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcq8GrYqz95
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWn4BMYnqm
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyL59UuBuE
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QdzdZQfMT
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQH3ZnN0CNh
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡny3PcmPGBx
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGgZGSt3Fk
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxlOB6ysmc
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGQ02WCy8C
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNigKmrvYVR
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrV8DcCNWRL
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmoPq8oHoW
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wWN0VnvJ1
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1SXhty5YU
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNRrGPfmNm
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmOooJKiQc
/279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlcplYKeYG
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyiW3Bwuj4
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmknkbhx6tr
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYbD6u6R2S
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAhjA3GyQU
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5g3BWLVho
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9PaAkyPW3
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15YwCT3ZdY
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwC6YTDbpt
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoPkNC0Q9F
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamMeYb1e1g
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUT85KnqHw
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3pPUVq1jh
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZTZaOzwqY
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTY5ubsXF5K
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkDj5XCGBa
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8BQRFrdx4
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1jnBCkllhe
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PxtYk7pQG
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpb3GAnkzd
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0dCfLSeWx
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmvEZCm9Ga
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK73qoSTVWj
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiLjRLLTom
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglzDgCry9X
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTvB53eiLn
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufqaZ5YXUn
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6Yuv2YhmP
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyFSzSzoNu
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0jTmGK3I3
直至父親又打家姐。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSnhf6qytF
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKesN8sHQ0
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAF43t1jh8
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qaHeMNOp5
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMGsfwBk0Y
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5waeGvDto
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1qj9UdvpX
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGqE3nqsns
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FpotrSNVk
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVRFybfXzZ
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm56fjXSVMO
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCEFE2wft6
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbS922CzSto
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEqOf7LHNc
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zNrcXhtpB
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡou4mdilk2T
「我無！」家姐搖頭。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXU6uATy98
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tFMHpVtUf
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvo8AthlPV
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Veb0Gd8R0
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85dMnhdMfZ
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcVam0qiWk
「多謝阿爸。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSxDUUtgxM
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5Irc6hHiw
家姐推了林蓁落地。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezwl13A4DD
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVCWw3wY2P
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBp74rrFI7
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lcY1NjJC2
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡti04AaNEPt
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI5ds9iCuT
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ckyOwU3BA
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECFz2ge4Sr
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjiYqi3E3x
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBluOyPlVVB
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaE6rrSBFiJ
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0J1eqP2Aw
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8CsCJwaj1
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGNv6qhPbv
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279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWa1Tgtnpw
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJKCt7b1LJ
279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWJ7X11GUO
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。279Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFsf4DjHlU
