穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡan5zJDge7W
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4USPn6DmG
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBTomn0maA
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfV0wMc18wZ
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXf4nhFANGd
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLoJUcawMX
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQqoj0yA0u
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96mvCSLnKE
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WwwpoEWoW
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqNmo7xqOi
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IWJ3qN45k
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgcotP2BB6
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXYfr6APeb
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTNQsxikON
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fhycQklcS
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63HWmKQghm
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj98ssisEsH
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvBmHFGkUB
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqFmDdtweD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbDb7LvQ6k
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXkBz17uQD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyo82b8veW0
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMedwbQzSQ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqOKTNWmAu
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufxFnVfoHn
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9WS5d4jj0
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjBi9KqUOQ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6C40bFR72
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS81xGHmEVF
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRkzy0mBWJ
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZo75gM4AH
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGQv76Btev
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVWZmD9Kqh
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwNCM54AFm
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aXpE8eCpP
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDCeWc9vkK
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvi5uz2BS76
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOirYEj4nX
「鍾意你。」他說。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXprc7FKzTw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhkKI074b9
「我都係。」她應。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNP8gIjNpNM
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFbBAKNFZu
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlKQir1DNe
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGkmMbUrRX
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBDMJDbbHP
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRlviGWspE
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiEb0oiZan
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUjDRUTJBX
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91hP8r8IY4
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttmqHkJ3yI
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkFOPv6cYl
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqeHOPBumo
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3fDTXaRUc
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWG3yoN70f
二人過後做愛、入睡。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsE1A53HRLE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEZrA0fi92
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsq1DUKDF3e
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDrqOhEhx5
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioQqwPnzc9
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUfXJGP9Yl
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GZnus1Slw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfSDkCCepu
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Xdbcl2CKU
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuRKU7b9HU
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHCk9R18KR
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRJecDz5No
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArZKmp9mB1
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2YVUXsWll
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡls0kki9FRL
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDw3w2YhCT
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAc2cQgFO9R
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWLfJ3dkOy
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEOYDdhKGC
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lOkkFnsk7
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2G0RhQeCjU
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4s18kNMTyJ
她糊糊塗塗。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRuhdITsDcX
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRG8lcHYfim
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtmxhOmEFw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT0gzdqHxR
最怕空虛。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8n4KC7aMg
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdO7fW4CN59
/390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OkjSrXtAi
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdldlEp6Jef
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWHuNyXXaT
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWMUTP3RQi
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SSTWcbvLy
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DcVzb8vwc
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlc82pNzYwC
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsX5WUiOhXp
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKynejLuBu
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkc6vtPj0zV
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrS5TzvKKYe
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pCQ9e1nrG
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznoYl5syp8
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVsYJr4WFI
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgjBHbrWCD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DV6jd1AgR
她不過在日常之中夢遊。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkmY1Pg9vr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQd0TwCeJCT
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzW5gyMTSA
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJtAY561P3
「上年12月開始。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQIgCmkvi1
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMM93gHn7w
「頻率係？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKie5XqsaW
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvSGwSKgk2
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcneiiKcMyE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tYnyYHnnk
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpP1n7n7NL
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vOrPR80kP
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4FGP4NXlcd
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90lCDU93Gw
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bcaMBkkVv
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kNT5GFVRI
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxZn1keek6
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vyaE4qQs1
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGU09KFzTd
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzOVurnPBl
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNL4uDhXMB4
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuq0yyEWJC
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5M9tx4TOQa
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBMZijrd9U
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xyHEFDBib
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLeHn2DNxM
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzK361UrYZ3
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPrZSxvR5T
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOCvOuHsVT
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNAjgGMbBLP
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBnVDMtWBu
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyAZs8NKfM
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqap7wkBNu
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UbbjmA6b8
連傾訴都不真誠。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaw8IRLjfT
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WnllCfL3j
不開心又不去死。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHG0oBTtI7j
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagI6TBG4oy
不去死又不改變。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWO9E56Kjq
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLowm94Yc42
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaVnMcV3Kt
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsett9LxAKk
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49zs7TWMZB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjCoSxMqwa
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1rDHWytrz
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Zd5pWDqmz
