穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8FnDklhql3
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL02kftYOrt
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn94BdAfoV5
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsk3uZAyJd8
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArI6YiLTrE
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VeRNdU2Nx
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWn0R5ExFB
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8r8NAaxeZ
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMWW5k7ILd
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOEOx45Zaz
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVD0imSoje
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡih7wDULql8
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzWJPZfojn
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWtJosp5LR
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoWKgbmcPP
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92aN967wOh
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUVXDNbLPg
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqC8kJlUNo
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdLPK7Q8yZ
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XlZxPQv9N
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6SIJb8pZA
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgaQAP0elr
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMrkjeE70L
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBQVR9VxuB
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjzLk2pPj3
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPQrSkH0yk
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bLC9QAORa
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWWG08NChj
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xRd351Zlg
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPENnL7rNI
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheUz0xLyVU
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjZth53xnK
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ68Xiexk2
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLHg2EIg0I
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1l4E7ejJEJ
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjO1HwnSjOc
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmYevWXuyD
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6JI7CjYAH
「鍾意你。」他說。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhxjHgkC6R
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1DbDepVU9
「我都係。」她應。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlZJ9M3zpg
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmieHzd401f
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbwaqag15K
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAA19YNjkvZ
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyAMxUBNTc
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZB2I1ugJrG
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XX8AhCNlI
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Q12R9ZGX6
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUfVXbAvRk
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD64PPEdPv1
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIXwazixtL
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUAjUGsXOc
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoQFJmO0Ze
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1eMhQ1bPy
二人過後做愛、入睡。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAIKHN3Gvt
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazq4o8juvz
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVS037Mnub
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCmcrjKnBx
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yHvN9XRMY
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFFtKx222f
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5uqJ5q7VL
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCfzXbbs5O
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6AgNiuKTc
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7Aou5qHy5
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOZZ5LOBjR
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Aqz98ztyK
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvB6QCdKvA
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE31xM8sP8x
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvih2jLvq3
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrqFwRnwWr
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxmxwEoQ96
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGLkhlJ1Lk
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswAoaBkHMt
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC63hlouRd
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uPDyoXdfj
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6iuV1KyO4C
她糊糊塗塗。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ye6Yg2ZyL
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aiwzD0kGu
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0b8zPntW5A
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11eZNu0f65
最怕空虛。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsQYoVtxQw
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjVvRY5kqt
/337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpE3x20o4Z
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuCeJUfhVq
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDst3y4oadU
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cDT2l7WBz
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BpOOIIgJ9
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRpfIQL9e5
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqP4yBDNV22
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7Ak478iVO
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEZYuUh1BK
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9edqpHl6s
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXydUGGb85S
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8i23xkJbKT
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5AQlG28jY
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmO3RmG6yeV
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNYZxj7CPo
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPSmTnC89s
她不過在日常之中夢遊。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4v8w4Md0E
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUpOtWRJxB
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtNegojvSF
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0QD2SzdTh
「上年12月開始。」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡim27A5OiAM
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMapmk1StX1
「頻率係？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdwNvNqXv5
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHRyCAi6qN
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpS8Lhqh5h
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqKmjNQ9Sz
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kkfghLM6Z
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzp33K57LK
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGmNnf6rXV
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjlyHzP5Kx
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOxoLiXzUf
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eITV228AG
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPolhtrWtAP
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwdI8eCuaV
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvnfVmT0s8
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYr7HfDj4AU
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wYWljlWmm
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3gQeraXFQ
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZu5cwGlko
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBS47ivrlV4
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2StqdZgQA4
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rs9wzPaQt
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6IsUXPAsf
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxD0Go0kgaW
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mV3LGjKEB
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUpM2AEKXU
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZWSRtZCGK
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dRa6EVMx9
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VoqcsIzmC
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOVsIDfs4n
連傾訴都不真誠。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73jgOeOQIw
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVEXuQQlPP
不開心又不去死。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwwemFG1Bh
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDXbPmYZ1O
不去死又不改變。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrKmb9StYw
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS91T6HoBo
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqSNaV383G
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXO3cQx5Chc
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW6ZyHJL7U
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzragfPZWA
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5W874ewRSA
337Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fj4qZ9H8P
