後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nz6PKJGHI
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYX4uUvIRM
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk73BTy2Sa6
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKdQF5xIZi
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6TwufeG4H
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO22oFKswqs
／338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWEqOc3NA1
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMQOl6EUJh
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJevML4I5Ty
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgspC18EyA
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROU7YUzJFV
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyBDCJX1N3
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLyeiUNwLT
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw39EY7tbdT
例如，暴食。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqu5764hL5m
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEDUDrw3hb
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTVEzH662W
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShi9NOIqFh
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAv1DCh77q
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJY2QTJRgCs
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmekcUVVhu
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPDeIMPN93
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxlwjBqxTV
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIeuf23CJS
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGU5dCMK1s
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDvCpWT1LO
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOwUKSfKqi
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaxchXNo14
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡym0EeV1Rcm
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSspcBlVhd
「我想食嘢。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJQ2GcA80U
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JycfGyEp4
「洗多札提子畀你？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGbiYvH9Eh
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeBhlGtuZf
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJFtjxdI8m
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEQM3aOL2h
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsd2c18jr34
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PUxb936Eu
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYVigQxS19
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEzQTKuHPP
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHXjpYJxoL
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzfFEYt96d
可是他明明說她很好。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLno7kMJYW
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdSPc7gq0f
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUCE7ixEwi
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTd1vBYU9Kb
可是他明明說她很特別。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNlKyX2SBv
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ249NEUheR2
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKVrdo19C6
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQ8deBrcXn
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasIY2vj56h
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtyaJuuVz6
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgUIQxYpKO
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ex48GsbCO
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBqceYEB9D
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDoGoKre84
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sV5PJhu7r
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aXhbbtVJE
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTQGmqMkZI
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquqXEZtvda
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEFkzhEMii
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdJnrv2u93
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7LhbEstyF
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyIOo0yZf9
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBev7VtXeY1
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b1xny1Mt3
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZPr39DYNS
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkXmOBBn0Q
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCradPpNp7M
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVhfT7EKMU
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40sVaSwAmI
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7uDHlhp9W
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYX0LudrkY4
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUbVRcwquF
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjYALN3Qwg
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMltXmhjkeC
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiUcjifS0n
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRh5yy3hB5
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCDdySdnG7
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEt7EGJqyU
正常飲食幾天，又循環。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgwDPPS3cU
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfq9KRIQlx
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4dBbPZZsT
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2pOg5RW4B
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTUWdPx28m
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgqM1Diagr
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGTbmj2ofl
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHXSOGHSWh
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGC07cw4ez3
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwE2hT59sR
不開心，怕被嫌棄。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6kTW2nZjY
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3F4jO3J4eI
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUr0WuLpOm
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWpOT4Qtcu
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKZvTAtKzN
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLQfeDh0Fm
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKa0boqiBnf
