Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNnN0I6Evb
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3mNcpfnVB
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WgY8r8dlI
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZVqkFBROA
But I digress.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZnsJKEQJb
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd5Rj9rvCO
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBlT9L113m
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsfVTaaf4g
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwgNMBvk0I
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXu6beskzCH
You stood still. Briefly.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkenkhlYvwP
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpC6zfPvCx
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSt7Y2nt84
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSA8vwyYF5
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsihEYjP6ZW
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddqvEqk3LA
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbwoY843AC
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMurNQ2vPWq
I let him. Why not?17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJ8AAdeehn
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4C6KCXt9YR
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDxBlR2E15
Only your personal god of mischief knew.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf9j6ojzsX
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNj2tBK0yD
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgrczXgWDF
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIKtwNbMy6
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9xWjBYERI
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcB3PFPIY3Y
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy00eFmqTAa
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLdkn9yruc
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjfzEstssD
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGOHCJDABr
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVhiDeqQW3
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WJcSiElkD
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9nLGE4PZj
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauJgM9OSLB
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoeNAXydnZp
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7o6pWRQ4uL
"What that?" you asked.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfElgE5LzM
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNruEz1HCM
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxeo53gSq2
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXm57hF7itu
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPXzmRgG3L
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaSaGDSSBC
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUVdKcjYUp
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINPdmCci4F
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGnMZuuuoBT
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFP67ZJEqr
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJHqWcmiq9
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFFztTZgMs
"No" became your favorite word.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVPcxQk1ld
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqs6PMEqLt
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3LxpVthwD
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYCNyyQ2MW
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RoZGCoL7z
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYo9DHrUOk
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILjGShr2Tp
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoHw7f5Rbw
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oLt0v4YsO
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6ss4NWzMA
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPf5MHW5WWL
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWEuO4Mslo
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZi5ZuG9dzT
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWt2aq4HAg
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcspatSmZo
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FTQM9SgSV
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8yV4Nw8WU
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky3aEACHqX
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSSpxbDfJo
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQl8fD5dBe
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8JJeE3P0j
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusGhxGRYVu
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxzPtmAZDJ
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bajNjviMA
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFxHwa4Yhz
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRL4a1KHMUT
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiUqS7534h
Not like someone who warms.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98jtVd6g8k
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqtX4Ncnyt
