後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApxS099jVs
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwHtlNUw2g
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHvqv6MLqT
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzGrNVk6NZ
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHUvoazRH5
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBg20hxXMj
／338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJI63SnLsdu
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU5LfucWxB
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3SIVGpMZk
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ttSc89a5k
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqOgNm22Sm
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIejx66bjNW
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mtSXYXkp5
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbyKh2hhYU
例如，暴食。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKtdYYgfmt
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3NQCtqqv0
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6tNaNaDmF
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJZtCorZ4m
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡva7xGWon6q
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pEg9iwQfa
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXLJYGEXaz
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEASOZJJNrM
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78PunXjEfX
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77AvRDnOHE
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaK07LbUt5l
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfqt68c7Fj
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZFSHehmSN
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqkVF7FaBB
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAEyvgXEKJ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifdUvzJ1Pb
「我想食嘢。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaK5Zan4jC
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLjwWPW1gf
「洗多札提子畀你？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiOofbU06B
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPs3sC0tfPZ
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgXoAkZOev
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFf2IrsflrU
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYA1qGKAco
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQa737uvcFY
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7OO7xG00W
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZZLVCwD4m
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyJJ4YT57N
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0O4QNlFbIw
可是他明明說她很好。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXJ6Hd6Tsz
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGegXFGjgG
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sSn4JKVLy
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOgjQdpUBC
可是他明明說她很特別。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4TYoxyHZ8
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHWHPJFR5H
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9Y5aNXMPR
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gTCnW0gVY
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2433h9T4y
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdizprLOgJ
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSxGlPZYlu
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7GBL9arH7
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pz2QuV2zN
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL01SH9G56T
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzusbPB395z
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPuKhpNvNR
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7Hss2pzkm
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIzXDNXK1M
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWVqf9IHTW
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLzo8n8h7U
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeyfkshUHZ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgkb4T2HYQ
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VdUIWxJi8
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPxU7qqPqF
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5utaNYiw8
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQy4s8YWob
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzm6ihD0v6M
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55ielTYbr9
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5PeF8Mk4A
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1RkLueF0E
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEi5J5NE7ry
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOO5ZGYybe
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiBTzAz7pZ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrU9DlcoTO
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXN7wbBW6M
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxmxL1VIQg
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkSwjrG6Wa
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiiy0Fej8W
正常飲食幾天，又循環。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHf2qjiZDI
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPN3va2smF9
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzXtzBAvq8
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwq7lP0E7M
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwjAetjotN
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPbQcbbmBo
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFKpeXl5Cl
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcrxk66pX3
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo41Pi5swU3
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOHMx8hZgv
不開心，怕被嫌棄。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtg2sR5ghmo
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVLxUEToXI
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54ymVVpVwh
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETxwXw0GnV
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt0JQVqAAL
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7duDxCSljV
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAKREqWgzQ
