Naming you... was arduous. Utterly excruciating. Every name that came to mind sounded too sweet.
It gave me shudders. Too ordinary. Too tainted by centuries of stories and associations, whose sentimental ballast repulsed me and which I had no wish to be reminded of.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAMel3wJse
Humans name things to bring order to chaos. They name the things they fear to get a grip on them. Demons. Diseases. Babies.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCF7ZjY4pNp
And yet, language is always power.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTZJxrcXjB
Consider the shrewd negotiator at the market, the eloquent diplomat, or the sweet words of a lover who accomplishes more with a whispered "please" than with a thousand swords.
A name can lead to glory or to a lifelong curse.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hF5bCJYh9
Barely born, and already everything depends on how deranged your guardians are.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBAoLGyUbl
I mean, just imagine it. A screaming bundle. Incapable of thought, incapable of making its own decisions. And then someone comes along and, with full conviction, names it "Gunhilda."
Or "Egbert." The name of a man who still has breadcrumbs from breakfast in his beard and listens with moist reverence to last week's sermon.
Or "Hildegard." Makes you wish the child had remained nameless.
And then all these saintly names for the common folk: "Hieronymus," "Benedikta," "Theophilus." As if divine grace could be summoned by a baptism certificate. Ridiculous.
I couldn't assign you to one of those name-bearing tragedies. Such names stick.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLSyJK3Gh8
And in the end people would have thought I was responsible for a "Milburga".17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HZZgRflty
I'd rather perish in sunlight than be associated with that kind of public disgrace.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1s7Jj3iZkB
A name can force something unformed into something tangible.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzjSxkS91t
And that was precisely the problem.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEz47f9OT5G
You were unformed. You were nothing tangible. You were an anomaly.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCb5j71iYAw
A little question mark with hunger.
I couldn't call you "the child" forever. I tried. For days.
"Stop howling, child."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfmkRUWPHs
"Come here, child."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXq2ZfDrckH
"Sleep now, child."
But eventually, one night, I found it. The scroll was brittle, eaten through by mold spores, the edges crusted with wax.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZEEQOjN5b
A ragtag collection of forgotten theories, half-alchemical blood mysticism, and name etymologies from ancient houses, bound together by someone with little care.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtxC0JEuFG
I read it while you slept, and I didn't know what to do with myself.
And then my gaze fell upon it.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aUN3Tuvry
Leonora.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDjYbAnkLz
I frowned. A clear sound. Melodic. Aristocratic. Almost too beautiful.
In a footnote, barely legible among the faded lines of ink, it read:17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xfnWzXa00
"Leonora, presumably from Alienor, Old Provencal. Meaning: the stranger. She who does not belong."
I paused. The stranger. Not belonging.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5y6Op7WOFW
I looked down at you. A bundle of blankets, with those large, dark eyes that sometimes studied me as if you weren't helpless but aware. Aware in the deepest sense.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNQWC37fU0
A name that doesn't promise to belong, but refuses to.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSkGSWFWx1
I smirked. "Of course you are."
Finally, a name that didn't drip with optimism from every orifice.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSV0KLryQ8
But I kept reading. Unfortunately.
"Later folk etymologies also suggest: 'the luminous,' related to ancient Greek eleos, light, mercy."
I stared at the words.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQl6HkNGIoz
Light. Mercy.
My eyes rolled in irritation, and I felt offended by the implication.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxUXEWwssK
My mouth drooped. I pulled a face as if someone had served me poorly spiced wine.
"Of course. No name remains untainted," I muttered, exasperated.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6729yKKIN
I should have torn the parchment. But I didn't.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBkpoW2zgp
Leonora. At least it didn't sound like some cheesy village milkmaid.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8Bwch5Ykf
I slowly rolled it up and placed it on my knees. Bent over your basket, sighed. Still not entirely convinced.
I read it a second time. Leonora.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6A1hMg03xr
"The luminous," I whispered and laughed softly. Of course. Of all things.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypBW7t4AoT
A name like the brightest candle in a godforsaken crypt.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3a4YfD6v2k
I should have discarded it. Should have kept looking until something darker, more fitting, imposed itself. But I didn't.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4irSxjWyW
Because I remembered my own thought from weeks ago:
What happens when darkness raises a sunbeam?
I leaned over your basket. "Leonora," I said, tonelessly.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ideCLHAbl
"Then be the light. I'll see if you blind me someday."
You cooed. I raised an eyebrow.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNF6YTSEBo
"Don't get too used to it. Names are masks, little one. Now sleep."
But I said it again. And again. And again. Until it no longer felt like a foreign object in my mouth.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJf1q0cSfvU
But like you.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaY2CSaxz2K
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqyHXfD8Wz
