Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLQ6aCotdz
I, regrettably, did not.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPKFNy3G8U
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xKwmlolzH
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZly3decBEI
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIM8tRTGdnK
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNhxGa2q0O
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4DbbnfoGj
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCRZqTbnIB
"Bathed," I growled.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Q5n4pNjAV
"With what?"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14yVpcw1Pf
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCw7lpOYAl
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTptytzDQ4q
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvblGMu2CcJ
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuFV1GJ4Ms
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9bvikSlvU
And bowed... inwardly.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1BMRthJZx
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCLUzJbmby
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I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPl3TB7xVa1
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpvzbhS3Cf
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZoDbpogB1U
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEn0hJ729p
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMZpLzQKSo
No fear. No confusion.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwI0fS8IIyo
It was pure recognition.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGe5RN01Mee
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOWjiLcqo8
But... babies?20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpsyIOrgw5
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5mhiCXH8X
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtl3AF4rHXB
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMe1ety7g9
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAWuWUjM0e
Screaming intensifies.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGRx9QOeuz
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SZ2Alg16l
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDNp3uNhNh
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzxxo9Ai4e
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsBsxnHnmk
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckZ6lJ5GM6
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9goSdTp1j
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zIWcejoPu
Your rhythm became mine.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQQeHHgMZX
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eWMIsR3tK
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5gP4u2YWu
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLTJh6kFjk
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZnqqiY0pf
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1S2H6A23p
No. Babies demand engagement.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90OF5jBz9k
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv32uKozuiL
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEQ1tmUfma
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFQH7HS4mU
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.20Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSM1tizr4Kz
And perhaps I had.
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