穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnP4kYofJy
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikojTI6VYv
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRzE4xDIzI
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKPuMe9K1Q
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nUIlXGNuM
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSUs7tI3F1
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpe6sL1FDUM
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkF6emDEqW
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QuAl5vWZT
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOIl3fku6h
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMMuRGxtB1
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtYkPAGIFE
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DvFyg78rU
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7O9Rwl1cWA
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbCakxcpOy
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTsEimMR05
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBr0wzbdgd
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JTS2QnA6X
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CUpoZmjnV
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5u0KjA8izo
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6v6aA5hIdT
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2JiekFywK
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7RtTrHT2f
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVxgWnefSi
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjAwFBBIzk
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NEJ3UnexH
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5Mr4oVfqh
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjM7d17C9n
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wYaMm16Kw
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsyOPaG0m9
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpskDNFkgP
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45JIj8dtPA
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfA3ymPdhe9
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxKfFfzEHL
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nt1Bewd4f
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkueLuqlqm
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjeWnA2KE0
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZV3tUZlVu
「鍾意你。」他說。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgzpzKK8gC
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5Sudh5woZ
「我都係。」她應。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtjCM66S41
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMHQynJMtK
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8siuFYhbVu
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05ziEp4PcH
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlS9xdVojSH
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8BXlr87NL
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaNccQl2kA
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxaykjZsnh
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5ADY4Q9Wx
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmVDitsK8r
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AIT8LnQAF
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfonPs8buiG
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLtgJxuMZL
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhNa8Shquy
二人過後做愛、入睡。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXHj6Pgv5p
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkjLdykQl8
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CTL0CmKuQ
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0R848jvSKY
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyDsykK3mh
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Nswv1kAdn
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPz8u9Ls9L
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwn0cQoIMqM
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbla3tS10e3
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nxHqyFHUD
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6Yp5kInii
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrtujM3neC
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJH5yF6iac
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8WtEyMoyv
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhb3YvJ4JdM
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ScXjBylC7
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaHzHLeoud
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSRFQcnrkL
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7FcZdKEoY
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHlljr5FIK
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfNLBxUUKc
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2L6ALSXJgc
她糊糊塗塗。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZqzn20lNy
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm04AVTBlP3
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yueByjQSD
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANhyMz0Jho
最怕空虛。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsiZCUb08t
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLefEIPlhPH
/332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhgPz2k2rK
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03UIGF95oK
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrztZURdO7e
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIYBfmMRrB
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8wcFdj0Ir
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPuFfC4h9K
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgRY54N0Ji
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj89EkrpYfJ
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoeyUuto22
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRv1OOh5S7Q
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUmiizNvms
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Klx4khxZQ
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2UHJtU3fq
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TT68TpA2F
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡla5WKUzAnQ
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvwKrau1zx
她不過在日常之中夢遊。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iZn5u0KVY
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UXYcpEGBi
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4R3rWK8qAM
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL54OKdov2W
「上年12月開始。」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK85ZmqtBOS
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1cPCDwTYK
「頻率係？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrra10waUv
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUK7pWdfDy
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOmdyoVg07
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyEKj0R2hL
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotcuvPcQj7
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkMKPx3Ajq
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQZwGHOFmt
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExqzYMjwTh
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GfVLPg36R
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFNvefiTJv
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXonTSudiet
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhPAGSxboP
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzY3Xsl0Lsd
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNslWREoFLq
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyw3UDZOTa
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7IlwL40AE
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvTflyHQu5
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCWAZ54JfQ
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVHRpPcO2r
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDExi30WJdt
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlyMKEJmkx
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhClUOlLs3D
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfjhBd7AlZ
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQyrDImNSv
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCbYMZSST4
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYpidiSkxv
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMtILdOA5W
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7ANZnYOem
連傾訴都不真誠。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQ0PV9eNqa
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdQ1282Zug
不開心又不去死。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCN07yasQv
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsChaoysSY0
不去死又不改變。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26ttMOGbmb
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBLTAGZLvY
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJGYcs4mEM
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGQyUIGhi9
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29O0YqWdBC
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOxP0pxJxW
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmTthjOzWe
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwp6MF19XHL
