Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUB8L5yEXb
I, regrettably, did not.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EkYGmAYIq
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstY4LIaahF
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQOxFRL7tD
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiH3JnBxRDu
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnnYYBggAW
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9O503QTxW
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZYMHBS4Hy
"Bathed," I growled.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoEmuQysaY
"With what?"21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfB1knkDJP6
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXgwA71IdK
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iMMLLurHA
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bCMTZIZnu
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZIStMFrdJ
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGcpDZ6STl
And bowed... inwardly.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8qYabj5dI
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EUCXNyPZ8
21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YpmWwpDH1
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSQ1OpTn3w
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzyECXAnU4
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuhlJOWES9
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZNUI8N1zu
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIzTEOaxW4
No fear. No confusion.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6t7765qUz
It was pure recognition.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLYSCOj25Z
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fbMuYkpYr
But... babies?21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvuMFwEIGs
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXk9af4zIB
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYFCKIg3DF
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpldfIYutG
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMRgLvqVXc
Screaming intensifies.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYGpOZ5o41
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXV8b21gkB
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCjCmjY3f0
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2zdRt9T2k
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSISBRr0RX
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcyp3EyAcu
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLwHTPHE4C
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2Lev1JkkW
Your rhythm became mine.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsdpv3U3gV
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9Ae4UGapy
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AZmT1sd2q
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxUxbgfx4r
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5TFpDXPCg
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb7xSnWKXw
No. Babies demand engagement.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nbD0aymOB
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGNcy66B8s
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AGZJ7Cb1V
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADSsVnvwfD
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QsNCtQOJT
And perhaps I had.
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