"Stop walking so fucking fast." Maverick's voice sounds from behind me, along with his heavy footsteps.
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"What, Maverick?!" I spin around on my heel, making him come to a sudden stop in the middle of the hallway.
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His eyes float around, taking in the passing stares before grabbing ahold of my left arm. He pulls me to the side, by the lockers.
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"You're mad at me." He states blandly, searching my face that has every bit of anger and annoyance written on it.
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I'm about to go in on him but he stops me by putting a hand against his chest. "I can understand why." Dropping his hand, raising a shoulder and letting it fall, he says; "But you didn't seem mad at all that night, Lilli. You did it without any resistance." He arches a perfectly bushy eyebrow. "Why now?"
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I make a dismissive sound before snapping at him. "It's not about-!" I pause before adding too much detail. "...that."
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Maverick rests a shoulder against the locker door. "So then what's it about, Lilliana?" He asks as if bored with the conversation.
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"Are you so serious?!" I try not to raise my voice too loud, remembering I'm at school. "You know what, never mind. Clearly it doesn't matter that much."
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He groans. "Let's not make things complicated."
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"I knew you knew what I was talking about!" I then bring my voice to a whisper. "You're the one making things complicated by completely ignoring the fact that we kissed the other night. That's a little awkward, Maverick."
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"I'm not ignoring it, we just haven't had the time to talk about it yet." He states.
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All day I've just wanted to be left alone. I've kept my eyes low and head down even in the presence of my 'friends'. I don't want anyone to talk to me, look at me, be around me if they don't have to.
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It's not about feeling like anyone knows that I killed that man...not about feeling guilty...it's still about being incredibly confused. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a ward is the best place for me. It's like I'm living in some kind of alternate reality, in the continuous state of an out of body experience. To be sitting in classrooms all day, walking the halls and living daily life is delusional.
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"The party tonight will cheer her up." Bella is telling Quinton as they approach us. "Won't it, Lilli?"
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I shift my weight from one leg to the other uncomfortably, giving a shrug and keeping my sight on anything other than them. I'm really just hoping neither of them sense the off vibes between Maverick and I...or sense
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"I don't know." I give a shrug. "I was thinking I'd chill at home."
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Bella gapes at us. She doesn't reply right away, as if waiting for the laughter or any hint that I was joking. "You must be kidding." She laughs, face twisting in disbelief and disapproval. "When was the last Friday night you stayed at home? You never do that."
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"Yeah, Lilli..." Maverick agrees, making me dart my eyes up at him. He raises a brow as he stares down at me. "You never do that."
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Mentally I'm rolling my eyes and cursing him out. In reality, I'm not given much of an option but to aim my best fake smile at Bella and Quinton. "Okay, okay. I'll go." I tell them. "But keep in mind I was sick just yesterday." I lie, moving a pointed finger between them both. "If I start feeling worse, both of you are to blame."
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Bella purses her lips, hip poking out with a hand thrown on it. "Like you're really sick." She says sarcastically.
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Quinton nods his head along with his own words. "If anything, it was a hangover."
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Well that's not completely wrong.
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Bella, with the help of Quinton, has progressed since Kennedy 'went missing'. When I say she's progressed, I mean she's learning how to pretend that she's moved on. It's still fresh and new to most of the school. Everyone is just now learning how to make this their new normal.
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Hearing Kennedy's name mentioned in almost every conversation you're apart of or pass by, has dwindled. The teachers aren't constantly giving saddened smiles throughout class.
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"It's high school." Malachi had said. "There's something new to talk about every day. It won't take too much longer for this to pass."
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Bella still gazes at Kennedy's locker when she walks by it. But it's different now; the feeling behind her eyes as she looks at it. It used to be optimistic, hopeful that one day soon, she'll get to see Kennedy opening it again. Now, she gazes at the locker solemnly, a part of her more than likely knowing that Kennedy won't ever come back.
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Although we aren't that close, especially nowadays, I still feel a twinge of guilt every time I see Bella and Quinton. I'm still waiting on that to go away like Malachi and Maverick said it would.
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________________________________
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I was lucky Malachi had made a little pill delivery to my house; it got me through the remainder of my school day, through small talk with my mom. Since everything has gone down, the small amount Maverick has been leaving me with isn't taking away the misery like it should. Malachi gave me enough to triple up on doses for a week straight if I wanted to.
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Although I don't ever want to, if I'm forced to look someone in the eye, it isn't too hard when I'm three extra doses in since I woke up. Conversations don't feel as tragic as before, feeling like I'm in a spotlight even if it's about something meaningless...but I still don't ever plan on having them unless I'm approached or talked to first.
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Maverick, unknowingly is losing the reigns on the frequency of my bad habit, our bad habit. I blame him; if it weren't for everything he told me, what he made me do, I wouldn't be seeking a higher high. He shouldn't be too angry when he finds out I've been taking more behind his back.
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Currently, two of Malachi's pills is getting me through this party.
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They're aiding with ignoring the fact that his attitude after the kiss could mean a million different things. But at the end of each day, Maverick is only hurting the situation by blowing me off. Without them, I'd be fixated on the fact that he's able to go about this party like all is well.
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Instead, I'm pretending to listen to Bella rant on about the little things Quinton does that makes her think he likes her. Fucking duh. Times like this makes me wish Kennedy was still around to do 'girl talk' with her. I can't do the whole bouncing up and down, getting excited for one another thing. And I'm not sure how to tell her that I just don't give a fuck.
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From the kitchen, Maverick is knocking back shots with Quinton. If I know them as well as I think I do, Maverick is probably egging Quinton on, daring him to match him. Maverick, always feeling the need to play games, knowing good and well that Quinton handles his liquor like a sixteen year old girl getting a buzz for the first time. It's gotta be some form of bullying.
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Malachi is working the living room, putting his gift of persuasion to use as he makes money off the bags of various drugs in each of his pockets. Despite it being dark outside and in the house, he wears blacked out sunglasses over his eyes, a wide smile on display as he weaves his way through the crowd.
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Seeing them enjoying the party, smiling, talking, makes me wish I wasn't always disassociated.
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"Are you even listening?"
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I blink at Bella a few times.
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No.
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"Yeah."
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"So you agree?" She waves her bedazzled phone in my face that is impossible to focus on with it moving like that. "That's totally flirty."
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When the phone stills, I scan over the texts about them enjoying each other's company. Honestly, it's so cheesy it makes me want to vomit. I can never understand some girls desire to have such a romantic, sappy relationship.
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I nod, trying my best to seem into the conversation. "Yeah, I'd call that flirting." I even put a little life in my voice to satisfy her. "Just tell him you're interested already, what's the worst that can happen?"
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A presence lingers behind me.
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"Anything." Malachi answers for Bella from over my shoulder. "You should know that, Lilli."
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Even though Malachi has once again announced himself by saying something sarcastic, I'm kind of relieved that he's interrupted us. I didn't know how much more pretending with Bella I could do. She's killing my high.
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"I'm only kidding." Malachi chuckles, waving a dismissive arm out next to me. "She's right, Bella." I can practically hear his mental laughter as he tells her; "Life can be very short."
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I can see the curiosity about the nature of our relationship floating through Bella's mind as her eyes flicker between us. She doesn't make any comment about it, not that she's given much of an opportunity from Malachi.
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"Mind if I borrow her?"
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Malachi doesn't give her time to answer either as he gives me a nudge in my back, almost making me trip over my own feet on my way past Bella.
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"Why so glum, Lilliana?" He asks from behind me.
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I don't bother answering him as he guide me by a hand on my hip across the living room.
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"You're bored." He says factually.
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Once he's stopped me by the wall, I shoo his hand away, only making him grin.
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"I'm not bored." I counter. "Bella and I just don't have much in common."
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"I wasn't talking about being bored with Bella." He clarifies, retrieving a blunt from behind his ear and putting one of the ends in his mouth. "I meant in general." He continues with the blunt still dangling between his lips. He draws the lighter up, giving it a few flicks before the flame appears.
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"And you're still wrong."
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Malachi's smile forms from around the blunt as he brings the flame to the opposite end. He then takes a few puffs, causing the smoke to roll and the blunt to catch fire. He holds it out in front of him, blowing out the flame before taking another drag.
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"You're even more mopey now than you were before." He says with lungs full of smoke. "And we both know it's not because you feel guilty." He exhales, stuffing the lighter back in his pocket.
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I cross my arms over my chest. "Then tell me, since you know everything, what is it about?"
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"I was getting there."
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My eyes roll dramatically.
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"You've had a very eventful past couple weeks." He explains. "Full of twists and turns, yes?" My eyes narrow, not finding him funny. "Today, yesterday, they've been stagnant. Your boredom isn't even coming from waiting on ol' Maverick to make his next move." He adds with a dismissive tone. "You just need some more action, some more 'wow' factors...continuous chaos to keep you occupied." He then chuckles lightly. "It's why you can't have normal fucking conversations; like Bella simply telling you about a crush. That's nothing compared to the drama you're going through, it is?"
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"You're really suggesting I want you and Maverick to make me do that again?"
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Malachi takes another drag. "Of course not, Lilli." Another grin. "I'm suggesting that you want to do it on your own accord."
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That's just what the guys want for me. I don't want it...
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Right?
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They're making me question my own mental.
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"Let me hit it." I wave a hand towards myself, urging him to hand the blunt over.
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A mischievous gleam appears in Malachi's eyes, paired with a smile to match.
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He holds it out next to us, out of my reach as he instructs..."Say please."
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I notice Malachi's eyes raise from mine to look over my shoulder.
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"Perfect timing, as always." Malachi announces as Maverick stops to stand beside me. "I was just about to come find you so we could tell Lilliana about our vacation coming up."
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"I wouldn't call it a vacation." Maverick replies, looking down at me and then back at Malachi as if expecting something.
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"A getaway, if you will." Malachi reiterates, offering up the blunt to me.
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I take it from him. "Where? To do what?"
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Maverick hands find his pockets. "Atlanta."
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I give them a moment to answer my second question. When both men keep that indifferent expression, I ask again. "To do what?"
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"We're gonna see Travis." Maverick tells me as I exhale a breath of smoke. "The guy we work for."
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I don't know rather to be weary or excited. Maybe a bit of both is fine. I don't know what seeing this Travis guy has to do with me but all I'm hearing right now is that I get to leave town. No parents, no burden of the dreary town we live in. It sounds like a vacation to me.
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When Malachi and I's eyes meet, I know we're sharing the same thoughts as his lips turn upwards...this will cure my boredom.
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"And what role will I be playing?" I pass the blunt back, putting my hands on my hips and turning towards Maverick.
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His eyes sweep over me. "What role would you like to play, Lilliana? It seems you have your pick these days."
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"The depressed drug addict." Malachi suggests with a shrugs. "Maverick's love interest." He waits a moment before adding; "A killer."
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"Malachi!" I snap through gritted teeth.
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"Don't like your options?" Maverick chuckles. "When we go, you just do what you always do...follow my lead."
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I don't know if I should be insulted or turned right now.
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When Malachi was waved over by a few people, it left Maverick and I alone to stare at each other.
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Neither of us says a word for what seems like forever. It isn't really awkward, it's more like we're just reading each other. We're both finding the same thing; readiness, vulnerability, patience. It's like we're both just waiting on the other to give the green light.
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Both of us know he's the one in control right now. It's not like it's ever been much different. He literally kills people for a living at only seventeen. I don't see why he doesn't just make the next move already.
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"How are you holding up, Lilliana?"
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The question catches me off guard. Maybe a week or so ago I would've expected it, but so much can happen and change in a matter of days. Him killing Kennedy, then making me kill someone as leverage has made him completely disregard why we're so close in the first place; our mutual sadness. That's something he used to be tentative of.
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I am not only confused about the direction our relationship is going, but also why he hasn't even treated me like a friend, like normal.
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"Do you really want to know or are you just trying to find something to talk about?" I cross my arms back over my chest, like it's some kind of barrier between us.
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"Both." He answers bluntly. "But you know I care."
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"Do I?"
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Maverick's hands reach out, pulling my arms back down to my sides gently. "Yeah, you do." His hair falls forward into his face as he looks down at me, standing close enough for me to have to angle my head almost all the way back. "You just get stubborn when you're upset."
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I look away from him, trying my hardest not to literally melt.
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"I know not much has changed emotionally for you." He observes. "It just takes a little time."
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My face twists, looking up at him again. "Everything has changed, Maverick. Everything. The only thing the same is how much I want to kill myself."
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"Which is exactly what I was referring to." He tells me. "We've only taken the first step." He then gives an expression of being pleased. "But it's good to know your worry isn't about what you did."
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Embarrassment washes over me as raw feelings are being put on display for the one person's opinion I truly give a shit about. There's no hole to crawl into, no hiding anymore.
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"Of course I'm worried about that." I lie the best I can.
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"No you aren't." He claims, leaning in a little closer to his face is next to mine. His breaths fan my exposed neck. "You're worried about me too. Us. You can't stop thinking about me, can you?"
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My face heats up as I fight the urge to touch him.
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"Stop."
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"I can't stop thinking about you either, Lilliana." His husky voice sounds from right next to my ear. "But that's always been a habit of mine."
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My heartbeat's pace speeds up, anticipating another unforgettable moment between us.
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"I've kept my hands off you for so long." He tells me right before taking ahold of the left side of my neck. I'm sure he can feel how quick my pulse is. "It almost feels wrong to touch you."
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My eyelids close at the feeling of his palm on my skin, causing a tingling sensation throughout my body.
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"Sorry to interrupt whatever this is but I've got something a bit more important than this to talk to you about."
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Malachi inserts himself at the worst possible time. I suppress a groan as Maverick detaches himself from me.
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"Yeah, okay." Maverick says in a dull tone with a short nod before turning away from me.
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He doesn't send a word my way before following Malachi.
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