後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76YVRGS3qI
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIozclbcd8G
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQT5EkPNJX
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iels2WlRc
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHaO1u6lHM
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hQqX6TEFF
／339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK96U2OfBRl
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxXzCGATxc
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKiiKoivNy2
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCfTCPx3Qj
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyqQkndfXx
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU16nwPzKCg
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUB9IEd1MWx
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcLko1zGzc
例如，暴食。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8xHS2VmVz
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeTwO9OCqK
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrF1cXQtJAB
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7R0ptNBjr
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzeqdJ7TUv
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDUYE6BJe1
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAsfwtNkCC
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLY6Kd5Un59
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpvW0ToCMo
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uY4TuCgoc
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguZjR5KnSJ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznM6tkUOc0
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyDOkK0e6Z
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0gzzP2VXI
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXqq8v3pAw
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU34UEPVPT
「我想食嘢。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTbaCgmi7z
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfdOV0HUwQ
「洗多札提子畀你？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeswqqzsaR
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpoaKrhEmU
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeHPrD1vxW
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60B6k0lKBz
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuRfqCqHRz
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR55zCGHJ7
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPur4JFFtW
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zWaqy9EZa
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGpDsYoNBe
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11AgFbVzZe
可是他明明說她很好。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsn9GvsHsRS
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOlfhPN3Rr
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyvT3gZsTW
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUD5OoHNkrw
可是他明明說她很特別。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LsYW4nuCU
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnN3sESmJ0
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTNgpS4u62
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74AUGugFKv
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxZ3UzYE8y
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KJiaBc83C
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXQTVvcjLr
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFvwrFRpZq
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfXwaySHan
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAxTbzkQ4z
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrj8f4V21j
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaeciM4i7V
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedBiFDcoS9
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU99sMEVJnE
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6ySsL3khf
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EHLd6jG0n
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQq7gjxCEKE
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdGJMepPp5
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEigaDOU28N
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7u0jCYdmHx
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDldjPoUGZ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeZH0eulEB
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVSy6pZmXj
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQAx755NkV
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzQ3Kp2aRc
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7pH30KFOa
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbT4lFxvAP
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISnFrB20Dv
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo9ULMRqSP
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpHF23wlvk
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHl0kB0x7oq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRLvML6E3B
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW35R3l5R5l
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNqRYl95F4
正常飲食幾天，又循環。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFsZ8ootAr
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9ERsfZrA0
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPf0YxxDDt
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNStOaKnp6S
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2R04tgV54G
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswLjBcfRtH
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9JqxuBo4k
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kE9KzpA8S
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iXHLAWLnE
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODEPeVNAly
不開心，怕被嫌棄。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTD0DjCdQ1
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWmm8SRLcl
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiDrmFLZVP
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkbMlUc6GB
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpxYUb2ty6
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBFto0mSMu
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKxt116UOX
