然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpc8gx7vB0
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡor991xcOhl
/390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jNPInBRri
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDflm5ldU46
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9FJjEMyiE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnwfDqtovE
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLaIaoedid
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NKMFZxJV2
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOtmLuOpEB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyhWs6aWFH
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYn9RQCVFV
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjDuhLdqER
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIIIHOrlLo
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYvLLKQHHo
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXzEMoZv9n
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE88LPWcTlX
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6A292iK88n
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMzFkCGl4N
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nTFmBulQj
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyi8x4U9xt
他心情不好便會打她。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmLFR2wrDB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIomsf27mF
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9x60DQcvp
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4x244zPl1
一下一下打下去。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzW28RhGio
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVRxwpvqNt
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjjb7RcGMU
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SRqRRVKtg
「我無唔聽話呀！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsbenw2hgo
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0SQCL95UV
「仲講大話！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePOFjhFDgT
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0qh3zmaMa
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtZY6eQhWJ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HGzYoPHcG
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UtwWFESo0
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3og2nYyk2A
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0s68ssFPNc
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJ3cYLcex5
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCMzTlGR6d
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dF25sNbGO
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuYpBM67rx
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNxKBaeJe9
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsx8OTHAhuE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeoQ9YpHHS
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPT7wptYGG7
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazHybZYJvg
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zAYw8imUh
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCLMiphq4Z
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCyVTZXxyJ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sIAqMftGt
/390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnnyqolCir
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yJQpau5cH
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSzRoJQiU5
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9NdouTRk3
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLHVvoimMm
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPecyc17Ip
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUYwO10kz7
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2zwQT0hOl
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QnOtErqy2
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghPNosbWGA
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRMoISqyDr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mu8ENu6Ay
「熊仔去咗邊？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9Bp0gVJHf
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7Nn9kpazn
「我抌咗。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZlVynJ4eB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9B7BH6iQC
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLbriw4UCz
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl12xt0TS1T
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrN9GIpLnuw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMi4mH2av1W
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWY8hYRki3
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VbnUMv4iP
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWQQcmsuUx
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarj6dNg1RY
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjFmvbPgLs
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MBJZekwIp
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCW1yB3hAik
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2V1vmrVmfY
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4mQ1e44aL
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA99AGa5O43
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7l28ayveN
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcaY0L38xE
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70IxPjWcTE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSS6hRQWFnt
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyc8N9KvQW
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HCaSFkOHt
/390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBiqMJdIJh
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvRyQBrlHk
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFEr3Dl0Ww
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRH2LbpGDvG
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tsOgyJMbX
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHv78yGKcdk
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwLgyvysWn
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFeYIUnB97
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2eJb5CGP1
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSDXbLIAYe
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOWtsWFxfp
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RvWnDhdui
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakJqLkz9jY
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIoW7tADaC
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOdHmHauPD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTt34pbxCh7
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2LDkAOM9d
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRtJxueLI7
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk87UjeEwWi
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrgEP6KTh7
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZLayhA528
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrROSgRg46
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTCewxhQd8
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzvmQBwzNu
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0n0iXTu47
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtS4hJ56pKP
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZh5Bn2WyA
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrEf65r1bd
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoYuIO2LgV
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUrCJNFhdL
直至父親又打家姐。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JA4vKVO70
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCt1MyQCcxN
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡua2zifiFC2
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t2DirYxyv
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmhRi086n8
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21A99sc6PX
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZCzlTIHQe
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxt3cUx30jv
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSiolHwCshB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fpHzErkyk
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6xhUVflbC
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhPznBgGIX
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7dFxKZHdN
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnyANKeA5k
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoGgv8D8OS
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqJjXtIJM0
「我無！」家姐搖頭。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioTUdSsBaN
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEmTXBqBSG
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzw9NTnmGD1
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJipuZcDuOy
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR9r9ewCJn
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BS1785uAe
「多謝阿爸。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AdTVDef1S
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMeJIeY5RJ2
家姐推了林蓁落地。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xBXD2ibxL
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCmC6KvBYK
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIt37BKRya
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PiOH7D08d
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufIpQITB7S
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9pkw3MoaO
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUwNTpW1pv
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaYlE1qrs5
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJHovlIWwq
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxq5xYykbO
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiH3vM1YUyw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBjSKIwLnt
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhPFkOqmMI
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeqX95nkwD
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390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4qNSyopsW
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvgxgYZrod
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbngpvr9bAc
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLTSlzdKyD
