穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVf6otgzFUJ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1LS07ufDC
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiX8lpnTCE
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtaX6SbljS
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZll5D3ipU
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZrAV6ig3T
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRblaSvp0Tm
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtqzul0jy8
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwxIeJnUZH
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASXlaegSUI
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijZC6kVUBZ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaoketX95C
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBSb5uM1YA
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0X67OnfOC
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TEBZqW2aQ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXq7S99qlR5
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmvK9ypFVk
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoOh9BO5el
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XIKUKXcXT
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gZ8b5V0SL
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7z70bzb7eL
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8ky3gGF1x
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtwMAAybuY
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKRL12Th5J
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rOI88JqUF
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24LrUL9dNj
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloq62mg66O
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeK8fH49pu
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfF7aNZtvb
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4njhz2wKHN
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUddXigs7nU
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35vhKd03EH
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudl6DHVlxQ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUh9ESuKAXR
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIv21xUAsr
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAt5rsO4Wz
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKWJdBnn1E
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuZygi7cDi
「鍾意你。」他說。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCqJ7JqiAR
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaznlzlSwH
「我都係。」她應。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26BF119gX0
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRk7e3auw5
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcCBSoq8BZ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrKmN7lWG7
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0kFCZ1441
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOAFK059r9
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmS7o074uyF
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeRFbeSMFU
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQPdvGSadH
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mkaTQgQFf
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoePSBLG6D
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6lnRtLVug
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjFcPRcQWn
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0J5FDSQrX
二人過後做愛、入睡。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡau9X0z5xth
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUtOPRaXNg
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vS7zp6YU9
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6QxU3fD5b
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXe33AGSvIf
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwEBeoNuz5
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdqRQQPN5d
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYohnVJQYxr
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafHBki84Rw
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74aiznwrMT
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9fH8hSSgT
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dtj65phjN
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhEPJCQeVJ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ355jkM0WPn
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnQmuoGd0G
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6d4tBI6LF
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOoKUhv4A2
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjiHEoZWM5
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NQEcJTaa3
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyPA1TU02F
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZA3xXQW0BV
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzXQqdx8jZ
她糊糊塗塗。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgDjgaeX2E
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGHsPQXXSY
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfX0j4TV8F
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxXsZpN5eD
最怕空虛。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8H38BgD04I
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhLVq0tULB
/452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAWAqGJcSP
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjuC1DxXXo
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFBwXKjidG
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33IyBLkzny
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKFF2zwGsU
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRP2hvdg9oJ
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ncSrhXWid
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxfa70JNil
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTCuxyxwRa
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMu8332j3k
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlCpwtzrMl
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeITsSkok6
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3UVXgzZvXS
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0YPlZ6xgV
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71NWCFV9p4
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqWOR6WSww
她不過在日常之中夢遊。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Haj2iHqEL
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUpZMfZIIs
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EHJ4qozFc
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiPQQJc4BC
「上年12月開始。」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP32lCQtc9U
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyb9aAXlCIp
「頻率係？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRLIUNM3IN
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyScuhrXfhd
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgfN7gAx1p
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnYpmXge8Y
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HGcN9v8Dm
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6HSe7bAXL
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhGW9mbMPu
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAve9hfSXb
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGmRWN1gfT
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpz2v8er04
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEmblJKkga
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2XPXOvGLT
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFo8pUHrrJ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxl3RjPe5Pm
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEarsnCKg1p
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡin1xsQpQrC
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSyQxrAJQZ
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CE0S37MYa
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOj3UpW7sdm
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrrXF192qV
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXp6NNQFjhY
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCTfAASp7p
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrs0IEhwIcm
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYyrmb196g
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxTQBJVVeM
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiyFd9Tr6i
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cIhGlN2of
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tDDzMPGIQ
連傾訴都不真誠。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGmjHWlnoI
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0ex3SLfKv
不開心又不去死。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDF5JYVxoc
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15jwYQERRW
不去死又不改變。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnq7UDzDsKp
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhPlxp5b8n
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPY4ZOb6Eiz
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFPi6lVSLG
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFY9xQ1Tt0
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqKkbXbquw
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcNg7Rmxiv
452Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0v7TPPYY7B
