Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRLhLy3JVc
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhvoeilqgs
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiuZ6mI6nv
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBzkm4ntdJ
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BNJFjlNA8
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1I5XYZ8Jk
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLxtqfOcmR
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNijvMkSbeB
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwD9rIfrLxS
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRFGEOcTpn
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxO4dSkXjwg
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGrgWUEOy2
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Ugk0rUuKs
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjx0IM0fGb
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNj6UfKZIO
9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9u4Ju39ah
"Everything is growth"9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCI7r5f4KX
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcnBd7LMzj
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyca1PX7BWz
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFmfGfHLlv
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI35JVx7JxQ
I wonder what part of that is alive.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYa0NMTXwz
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZGQTnrcMq
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyW7Fv9H7oY
There is no other point in this community.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDaaT4K5nQ
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1WnleVGQS
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJluKH7G6d
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFxTWTr5Ya
Whatever that's supposed to mean.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyw7Mc9ewv
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEB4geNmlUT
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EIBXCOhmP
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRk83f9xpw3
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBotdv4N7BE
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTu3tdW27w
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFmABgzyP7
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1xQTTETxV
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YBq59lbty
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCXP5ff4Pd
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJkXLTmhVb
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAa4SPe3Bpf
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnVyQ2ESca
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nXEEugfwp
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCffEvbyT1t
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeunFBzrWI
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNpLUMs6pR
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCkYCaJkJv
