Of course I start to ask questions. 14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXswl4DSkN
Of course I wonder where you are. 14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0JfixAUjc
Of course I miss you.
You always knew I would, didn't you?
In the quiet moments, I sometimes hear your voice, even though I know you're not here. Why I still speak to you in my thoughts, my big sister, I don't quite know. Or why I believe you can hear me.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHexEYhKCI
Maybe because the silence around me is slowly but surely becoming unbearable.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa1q7WEgxu
The community teaches us to ignore such negative thoughts, to bury them deep and replace them with positive ones.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKSiRJwlJc
But you were always the one who made me think, even if I never really showed it. You asked questions back then... and those questions are coming back now.
It's this kind of deafening silence, where you can no longer block out all the noises. Like a cacophony of artificial noise trying to suppress the natural melodies of life, from what is true, instinctively even. Over the years, it's becoming more and more overwhelming.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2M26UBLEk7
Do I have to first overcome the silence in order to hear melodies of truth?14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnvxnLXQX4
And what would I find there? It terrifies me to my core, yet it can't be worse than here.
You know, I believed them. The words we heard every day, the rituals we performed. It felt so right when I was a little boy, a younger version of myself, from whom I have now distanced myself. I feel no connection to that young man anymore.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4dVMqqJtD
Every mantra is just repetition, an empty shell they want to sell us as truth.
14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQIClXRunY
"Every experience I have is perfect for my growth!"
"Appreciate the abundance in your life!"14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbihuNMVbaL
14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG51bVYiOPy
"Manifest the positive!"
I can't hear it anymore. This bullshit doesn't make sense anymore. Imagine eating soup with a fork. Nothing substantial sticks with me anymore, nothing fulfills me. Mother doesn't understand. She notices how I'm distancing myself and tries to pull me back, like they all do.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMZnTGE5IL
"Yorick, come to our gathering tonight," she says, her voice subtly filled with sorrow.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLx6f1tNpZ
"You need to find peace and happiness, like the others." But I don't find peace anymore. How can I, when every smile feels fake, and every hug only feels cold and mechanical? They want us to believe we're free, but I've never felt more trapped in this cage of artificial happiness.
Live, Love, Laugh. Puke.
I drag myself through the gatherings, nodding obediently, pretending to take it all seriously. It's easier than explaining myself. Easier than seeing the disappointment in their eyes or hearing the whispers behind my back. I think they know it; they see the doubt in my eyes, the hesitation in my voice. I used to believe I belonged, as if I had a purpose. Now, I feel like just another cog in a machine that continues to pretend everything is fine.
But I can't just leave. Not with all these unanswered questions, not with your memory still haunting me everywhere.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3CmNW9np4
Do you remember when you first doubted? You took me aside, like so often, when we played outside in the woods just behind our trailer. I was little but even you were a still a kid yourself. You told me that you believed we were living a great lie and that this world was simply... wrong. I didn't believe you then, but I never judged you for your opinion. Today I know you were right. Everything is always too perfect. Too bright. They call it bliss, but it's not real, and it never was.
I remember the last time I saw you. Before they took you away. You were different. Your eyes were tired, but they burned wildly, I didn't understand it. You told me not to worry. You told me everything would be fine. I wasn't sure.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lWjtSwX4k
It was never supposed to be like this, Sybelle. You should have stayed with me. You were always there, explaining things to me that I didn't understand. But you explained things in a way I could understand. 14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXDYjcWeRf
You never judged me for my feelings, not like the others. And I never judged yours. We were each other's little paradise, where no feeling was "sinful." But now you're gone. From the moment you became uncomfortable to them, they took you away.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOipny51RU4
I'm still here, surrounded by all of it, pretending to believe what they think is right. I recite their mantras, force my smile, swallow my doubts.
But I can't stop asking: what really happened to you? Why couldn't I protect you, like I promised back then? They say you're having experiences for your growth now. I can't help but believe they're lying to me. And I wonder what other lies I've been told.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQRS6tyByN
I am alone with these thoughts, thoughts I can't share with anyone, because they'd call me "too negative," and that's a mortal sin. They'd try to intervene. You're not allowed to ask questions here. It's wrong to feel anything other than bright happiness and joy. Yet a darkness spreads inside me, and I wonder if you would still be proud of me, or if you would tell me to leave this place.
I miss you. More than words can describe. And yet, all that's left of you are my memories and the tormenting questions. I wish I could ignore them, but when I try, they only get more insistent.
I'm not the boy I once was.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XpZc9B3Dm
I'm not the boy who felt so comfortable among the shining, smiling faces. I want to scream at them, tell them to stop pretending.14Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83VaS01frt
I want to make them realize I'm suffocating in these lies. But I don't know how. So I stay quiet and play my part. But every day it's harder to breathe.
I promise you, I will find the truth.
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