x
（寫於2016年10月6日，也是我的二十六歲生日正日）75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOA7Pv2AIbM
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52lRC2O6R1
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLVrQTjs89
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8GHtmPA4Y
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuSJkghKed
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoDmvcsFza近來，我睡得愈來愈少75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrS3i9J2VX
總是夢想我們可能成為的人75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA54tITFrJq
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaP7M1Icbx
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqEBwlHkHZ
對，我們要數星星
今日，我26歲了。
26年前早上9時，母親剖腹生產。聯合醫院產房醫生和護士就如工廠的熟練技工一樣，把我從充滿羊水的子宮中拿出，過程快速利索。剖腹是事前預約好的，動刀程序是標準的，一些都在計劃之中。
同期，有一宗震撼世界的新聞，是世界始料未及的。
1989年6月4日，北京血流成河，肝腦塗地的是莘莘學子的屍體，急忙逃離中國國境的是記者，連關員都催促記者趕快帶著真相離開，將這件事象徵中國政治氣候急遽收緊的凶訊公諸於世。
距離九七移交，還有七八年的時間。
在我仍然慒懂無知的幼年時期，香港就在恐共與仇共的情緒之下，無奈地迎向這無法逃避的命運。
年歲稍長，中國於我還只是個模糊的概念，但在社會化和大眾媒體渲染的過程下，我知道了自己是香港人，也沾染了香港人比大陸人優越的意識。
記得中學時期曾讀過呂中文集，有一位中六七的Prefect 師姐寫過一篇文章，說自己以身為中國人為榮，並在聽到同學拒絕承認自己身為中國人而感到憤怒。當時我並未有太大感觸，只是覺得對文章內容不敢苟同。
03年，沙士。
自回歸以來，香港人從未試過如此害怕疫症，也從未試過如此團結。謝婉雯醫生的殉職，一方面令香港人恐懼，另一方面也令香港人重新思考人生中真正重要的事物為何。這一條寶貴的性命刺激人們的反思，說不定比後來的雷曼債劵和歐債危機更多也更深刻。
「我實實在在的告訴你們，一粒麥子不落在地裡死了，仍舊是一粒，若是死了，就結出許多子粒來。」－《約翰福音》12:24
03年時，我只是中二生。沙士於我而言，除了是一個新聞事件，就是一個四週的假期。當年的中學生，擔心會考高考和上大學還比較多。
I see this life like a swinging vine,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtg9KJy0Fk
Swing my heart across the line75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdqXgKvMRu
In my face is flashing signs,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqazMtOmthA
Seek it out and ye shall find.我看這種人生就像在搖擺的籐枝，75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmzkv7QVtg
讓我的心也想要過界，75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡram5cm2gce
在我面前就是閃亮的招牌：75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3UPOHLZoIL
「尋求它就必得著」
就在會考與高考期間，老師和媒體都如此灌輸我們：你們要上大學，在公開試考個好成績就可以！要成功而圓滿的人生，就一定要讀好書，將來找一份好工作！
我們當時如此聽信，也努力的準備考試。
高考過後，各人入讀不同的大學，社會就開始傳出大學生貶值的新聞。畢業生月入愈來愈低，內地生來港得到的資源似乎愈來多，我們本地香港人卻漸漸地被邊緣化。
我們感覺被騙了。
Old but I’m not that old75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VQGf04FUd
Young but I’m not that bold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡButOvlnhOJ
And I don’t think the world is sold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Z6zI3unKc
I’m just doing what we’re told年長，但不年老；75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNDOo2qmgo
年輕，但不輕狂。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySly1OQTlR
我不覺世界都能用作買賣，75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSynRcKNfYA
我只是跟著世界對我們說的去做
2012年，國民教育令全城熱鬧哄哄，「黃之鋒」和「學民思潮」成為關鍵字。
港英時代的去政治化教育，來到這年反而引發了泛政治化的社會風潮。不知何故，我心中想起了另一段聖經經文：
「你們不要想我來是叫地上太平；我來並不是叫地上太平，乃是叫地上動刀兵。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxRm7wGNBP
因為我來是叫人與父親生疏，女兒與母親生疏，媳婦與婆婆生疏。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxb7luafZBt
人的仇敵就是自己家裏的人。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡso2Il900w2
愛父母過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；愛兒女過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxBMdV5ui1
不背著他的十字架跟從我的，也不配作我的門徒。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqUdMuzgvy
得著生命的，將要失喪生命；為我失喪生命的，將要得著生命。」－《馬太福音》10:34-37
終於，來到2014年的雨傘運動。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd62Swf35bl
於我而言，這是香港歴史的轉捩點。這是公民覺醒的事件，是撕裂社會和教會的時刻，也是香港人不能不正視社會不義的關鍵事件。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyetdmlRZBj
在我人生最後一個暑假，進入了解放軍駐港部隊的新圍軍營，學到了步操、軍體拳和榮譽感。本應將我教育成愛國愛港畢業生的軍訓，劫吊詭地教會了我以身為香港人為榮。
在我遊走佔領區時，看到金鍾夏愨村的公民教室、露天補習室、連儂牆、公共漂書櫃，各式街頭雨傘藝術品，放在政府總部公廁內的各種洗髮水、牙膏和女性用品，這些種種都反映了我們身為香港人的公民素質。打從出生以來，我的這份香港人身份榮譽感從未如此高漲過。
I I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXgpjR4zC2
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing在做「錯」事時，我我我我居然感到如此正確；75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxNwoEYHda
在做「正確」之事時，我我我我居然又感到如此錯誤I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc22uPJPAn
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.其實我可以說謊騙自己，對罷？對罷？75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyqvEfJqEK
但會害死我的東西卻令我感到活著！
好些前輩如程翔、劉進圖和刑福增等都是（或曾經是）「大中華膠」，擁護中國和她的歴史和文化等等。作為六四後出生一代，我無法明白那種對中國的美好嚮往，但至少對「文化中國」不感到強烈抗拒。然而若論到「政治中國」，恐怕除了社會上的少數權貴階級，就沒有多少人會由衷喜歡。
政治中國令我對中國人身份引以為恥，所以我寧可說「華人」也不願說出「中國人」三字。
是掙扎，也是呼召
處身歴史的洪流中，掙扎是如此真實，生命的重量也是幾近不能承受。
除了時政，物欲橫流、紙醉金迷的消費主義，幻變的職場，可望不可即的樓價，人世間的聚合散離等等，無一不是拉扯著我們的生命，甚至扯得支離破碎。
在這破碎而迷失的世代中，世界對我們的呼聲始終不減。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOInuzYXtT
梁家麟院長在《關於基督徒，我們說的是⋯》一書中推薦序中，寫道：「每一代都要有人起來宣告耶穌是主」，但也嚴嚴的澄清有些責任只能由這一代自己負責。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUxmAX3BxK
I feel her love75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEl4RNGXWY
And I feel it burn down this river every time75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJkWgf2VYO
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burn我感受到她的愛，75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOPXPDg6P7
我每次都感受到它會燒掉這道洪流；75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzG4Fylprnd
「希望」是我們的字詞，賺了的錢又眼巴巴看著錢燒掉
我們這一代，看得見希望嗎？在這彎曲悖謬的世代，我們知道自己當行之事為何嗎？
我們這一代，知道我們要負起的責任是甚麼嗎？
身為基督門徒，我思想基督在十架上的垂死景象：雙手被釘在十架上不能動彈，每吸一口氣都痛不欲生，身上連一塊遮羞布都沒有，是完全赤身在公眾眼前的全然軟弱。面對幻變人生的我們，也能在衪身上看到自己面對幻變人生的真實本我：軟弱、受限，對一切世事都沒有多少能力去操控。
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00QwgXqIRr
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72ZCycCGwD
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuJztzgBag
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKErthYMTO
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars近來，我睡得愈來愈少75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6h54zlnW4y
總是夢想我們可能成為的人75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmZ8vCYRP1
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzz3lUT8gUT
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHu7MoJnWuD
對，我們要數星星
誠然，我們已經過了可以悠閒數算星星的階段。
但，也不要只顧著數算自己口袋有多少錢。
要記住我們當行之事。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdMVmkdyJy
是的，要緊記我們的責任。75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrkOayZWSo
ns3.129.194.130da2“Counting Stars” by OneRepublic75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFVk3YQwgt
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBeH8FpdyN
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKTHTZj1kP
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WS6jcU7OT
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmFpd335mm
Yeah, we’ll be counting starsI see this life like a swinging vine,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNw2JBkMVLr
Swing my heart across the line75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRE5MIq5TO
In my face is flashing signs,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GkJ62Wtnq
Seek it out and ye shall find.Old but I’m not that old75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYUS29HRSa
Young but I’m not that bold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1AjjqV9oy
And I don’t think the world is sold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9EavsM7ti
I’m just doing what we’re toldI I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBQFObgOw5
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thingI could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPkGOgZxTU
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtB6K0qdOC
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3oDYo1cC4
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsy5siFtnn
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcigVVH28N
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkp4LHX17m
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflAauGNse5
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3f6zrBjt8O
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsYe-e-yeah
I feel her love75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5cwCrGmGn
And I feel it burn down this river every time75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EbwWQiiAU
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burnOld but, I’m not that old75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqo60skOiRT
Young, but I’m not that bold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1MIHrai7U
And I don’t think the world is sold75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CXl8KZxCx
I’m just doing what we’re toldAnd I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TzuZ4lLfF
I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYpqouA8Ip
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna flyLately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQf1PFDnbbV
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjo1BQxwOfP
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDk5l5fE8Tw
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfkCIAjyKN
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkeifKtiBq
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGKZJYKdzg
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3iGnSrxo9
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsOh, take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7eQfZl86N
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tdZjh5eIb
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyu4Gju5Ld9
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQwE3yXCLT
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcB6kK0NmK
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUV2ii5EzJ
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UiD3hmJpR
Sing in the river the lessons I learnedEverything that kills me makes me feel alive75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxs10I8pNWc
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4Yki77OmQ
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7BxScT2ES
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91hzG7zohp
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkfaayGTZN
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7LfOTYkqJ
Dreaming about the things that we could be75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUvPlkCYfN
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAfBVIrtO5
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsTake that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZq86uQnN7E
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRKy7gr3EK
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwsxgeDUgx
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjflMZ7IqK
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFyFPfsinj
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20H5NXy0QE
Take that money watch it burn,75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbYkoFFl8h
Sing in the river the lessons I learned75Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gq9fHJc1I
