x
My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrJmNOtOeR
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmAJQWleR2
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqOApXPi30
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWo1glixqG
Hmm... 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2t4TEdivp3
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62Mcfc5SDf
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbuRh9kVBp
"You can have have all the adult toys."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2EOowGZa8
Except for the pecker enhancer!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn013gWkveA
"That's all I need..."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqkUxfzaP6
"Wait!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitJbXNS9eU
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKM3tpvpl2B
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbiLFJ7ixF
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8k5nENh4H
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoW2WGQM5i
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzZ2NlZv9H
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnyuiLQ0iz
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cR8cjpgTN
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWQPIsD275
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFRWqpuVRA
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2cwuk3SHz
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiddWXEHtW
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSBpFRjOUy
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPBnacWUI7
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0h7d8EHruJ
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthgKSYTrPl
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBsKglLnIz
(Sarah laughs)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNfdy0FIwL
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3yST6EiVw
"Gosh Darn!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8xH3fsiVU
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaE4jMA5wX
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7ARZCoQuN
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjPZe6hwXx
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQ8B7z881Z
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgaQnAaQVs
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHkMiK8nTh
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYImi2TW8a
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVneXAsyA8
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWxvkqN0Vj
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PJCEVI3cP
(Sarah says what)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHEBwyTl6V
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XcdhcAL3S
(he laughs and Sarah winks)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzdZk1rr33
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfkkLoSFce
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0VTXmq2YW
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDSCjPj8Vz
(Keith laughs hard)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZWE9AZht6
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc894LDXe4Q
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rO1vorRVN
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUpuORVPj0
Honey,498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviiKEAkyRh
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbum00lL0QP
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60ow3dUObB
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDKD5cRBRU
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmWHbgZZ2C
Keith says,498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsIFCVme0D
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHyNQXMkG9
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QSrLHo4rN
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUerCCwXSjy
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iERMua4jT
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVxKia1qzR
"Ground beef!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60c5Xhnehc
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCK6NnY2t3
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJTRHq6N6s
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDFnZObqLy
Lawsuits.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBMRQ7akYB
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqaJg47qjm
Keith's friends knew him as the 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXqZnfsQml
Clown Jester of Bakersville.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0shcYoNKo
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihTEJEMuui
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwpb7kkssP
Because he was so outstanding in his field!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtg0Zu108NU
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYuQwbESlQ
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2Phe3uUN7
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7GyD5bku1
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHvpK9vZtO
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NISp6AJIO
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNm2ZFIHa7
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbE1GZYgMz
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZYOjI6EUs
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqU7Mfpvmi9
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡug92BzvrvF
Having heard them all before, many times.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWwBIuh3hE
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjabqUeO5U
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3psVhcTFVS
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGDOrA2FHh
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCbk1cGKGj
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGQ4JZYv0m
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjpSPmPteQ
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDCFnxWReA
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfjJi2S9h7
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0oGHyIqwR
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbZ8mR8dzb
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOrAHFTrFB
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPdsdLvS5J
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpfYRSaVcI
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgsePEphR8
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBTy31yXrN
(audience chuckles)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YNviPW3Jd
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFyNuVbNmZ
I haven't heard from him since.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZPtcHpvVV
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJizmi4wgw1
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBksAJfm7y
(audience laughing)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAUUuEWH5G
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAO94Nj93u
She still isn't talking to me.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemWLNaNMNA
(Keith smiles)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYhnQaI7r7
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBMQ71wu7k
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQYqQSmVZr
but I am on the fence!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEnMcrTcWe
(audience laughing hard)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJRXvaT6es
[He gets on a roll]498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpToxBqh9SU
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohNX8wDwKB
She gave me a hug!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnl3x0SU89N
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloKrv1pV8I
Hey!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUiku5H42z
What is the worst combination of illnesses?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6S68qDIRn
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9EsNX2Yx1
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7g386ZJ0jW
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH86cSu4IHZ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmKz6BpWDo
How do you get a squirrel to like you?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmn599KzmMQ
Act like a nut.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpTUWvsETd
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXCfpisred
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzM9FCNPcI
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPp3AKFm5S
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDHzSBHe8k
So I Left.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhncXUt8il
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCMtciWx56
"The steaks were pretty high!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcnrwpb57u
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZyvKl2lsv
Goodnight!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUNbTzyhbx
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVw0Dy6SPLQ
He went home happier498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcpquqdmPj
than he ever
Dreamed!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1bnweoZRE
498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNDXNNSbTY
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.25da2
