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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFXgHvdrWH
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEh0hhBBmH
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiQe842z8r
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3p6ssOa04b
Hmm... 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZXoG0KOfG
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRWSRvlhP8
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcitNC5Ah6v
"You can have have all the adult toys."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Wn2SKZk4V
Except for the pecker enhancer!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkH5mg4cAOi
"That's all I need..."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5R50ojK6I5
"Wait!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fa7ZriTrl
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGHus2zY1L
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JXAQsubu8
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWBG6ly0th
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7Da4HQuT7
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DyHLR2mSK
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWyT5obpql
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLm0YS9AQB2
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTHLQxQx3K
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3fagzGwb0
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmleuZlzGLo
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9vkC21G8k
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbu1chh3Dsy
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mP7zYSMSg
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0ZugD8ZXe
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqF7t8LORBq
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjtPbxlXFJT
(Sarah laughs)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjb3kT3kJEA
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZak3mInwz
"Gosh Darn!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfwQYgvcqP
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDRPYXbokt
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkc8Salcy9o
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡut5S2I42lx
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybWmgqSLjZ
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFdWOZud83
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LxO6dCCxG
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IHVcqFfY7
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7yraJNiDG
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22XIOkE4A8
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaLMVfERQX
(Sarah says what)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKyNMRlV7I
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNQ7zI4keV
(he laughs and Sarah winks)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXK8HcCYGYR
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSm52pPt4cI
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrio476QWzp
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtlICQJb3d
(Keith laughs hard)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95kLMZsKVP
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6lnI8UyTE
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡam0v9yrpG9
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTW5bWwCvn
Honey,401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uhMerk4vF
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruVeRN7CgJ
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6f4nlcPu9U
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7Xdu7Oe5s
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvYR1GiSo1
Keith says,401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqQQZTx9Z4
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxekP96WIi
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorslq22MA9
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSbW1ye9Yh
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxowc9IUSY
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCjfRZcQ5R
"Ground beef!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXojShfeO3A
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaJBEIVkM2
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7NssJZAs2
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUzUhcQ6Vc
Lawsuits.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLy7bTf1WgA
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBczXTdZ2ia
Keith's friends knew him as the 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjRkEIq55m
Clown Jester of Bakersville.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJf8hJySNLS
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVu056ASiO
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6z866hZ0z
Because he was so outstanding in his field!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjCoBUr3Gp
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZhV82icBW
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3jILKngQj
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv051AAI3ji
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wV0REDpPx
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡna2aAYgf3B
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIw076RSH5
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnsMAu5SWy
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKtCLHzar0
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuf6dNC4OT4
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewNL9tC8PQ
Having heard them all before, many times.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSJYg22yEV
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmwCF9kt9n
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuet9sixdKD
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9G1Y9sgSW1
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgmRb9wZg8
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VGunTvmUz
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyZmSvZaV1
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0WPWH3ED3
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnHgjFGHwz
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sEDsd3cpE
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFr6fMVNlk
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3nYoKZo1X
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMgv7VwIPK
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1hrJKacdv
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbkDQqR1ef
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8ddYCFNYf
(audience chuckles)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT65DZb74JI
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSaPRleeJA
I haven't heard from him since.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pPTaemDZ8
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXo41tBXW8
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVNdguSVUC
(audience laughing)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeb5ndgMC2u
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRqOt5yJ8g
She still isn't talking to me.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQvtrkHNqs
(Keith smiles)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhbRUOZXFa
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2RrNw9JmR
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfL7ouYAsF
but I am on the fence!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyydVztFxHC
(audience laughing hard)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAat0uQgQaY
[He gets on a roll]401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbeqWkuMvc
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYErWTP7oR
She gave me a hug!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2vgGURHeC
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPiLtsQBQb
Hey!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvosAmUUa4w
What is the worst combination of illnesses?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBIqHaKqKu
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEit67YcRxh
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaiYxX3ytD
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ckm8E0kzb
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFNfCTyOkD
How do you get a squirrel to like you?401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8ejbIcYNG
Act like a nut.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcTI8R2ElP
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhmo2OI9GW
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOycavXWKvh
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdMw9ifNNl
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcInW8sH4pV
So I Left.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLyzq9uCKa
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNzejoMFLzy
"The steaks were pretty high!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZb9SlsnqM
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdinMGz6nUH
Goodnight!"401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCxLrk4T2y
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkNa0afHLm
He went home happier401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtka7haS2Lu
than he ever
Dreamed!401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DVeiXBZ30
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrxq4OhMEjW
© Charles Kemp
ns3.144.48.13da2
