I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYuoiMJoIL
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGqamMQVCi
It’s New Year’s Eve!301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgizf1xM63x
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHlXFu7ELcP
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckAOMaAeNx
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZIteXSdhR
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zyXC7h0zm
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjU9byoQjm
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoskRJiG6a8
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEzxFuxvNQ
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGgHZEIOWz
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CWmbm8OJw
God, what the hell am I thinking?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJ4kIiDSbr
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QETmuwbIv
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCX174veav4
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTmTiL5txe
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfT9yZRosh
Why did I come here?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQrHnFb4vj
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7ZG2GKNlu
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmMdJ44QVx
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRY5F11pPrI
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeH7igjpB4
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyYoX1OSJ4
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrM7E7rIuvK
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrAMgaVamt
Fuck.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOckl37PMx
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtdvThAUPS
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nSh1IYNS0
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4B4M01i0C
What do I even say back?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmf5NUhZ9w
Lie?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAwbXBbDet
“What? I’d never.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bQ7pyXbmA
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErqvPI6LCW
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32FncW7skz
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcOWq3A08O
Okay, so lying didn’t work.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUQQd6Ghqk
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3A8szEhFV
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDdiYjhNVr
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2NSO4F9TT
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo64cAVs3pL
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaPKF9dY2R
I can’t take it.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2B8C8ZK14
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxr7ozVAM0
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jehU7jrfS
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbupFQigQr
“We can do the countdown out here.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUblKWL7r6
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49CgjzDXvg
I swallow.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuf4tEVrDE9
“Just the two of us?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTxcldnU0d
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPkSVfCnl5
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI06GBgrVsa
“Why does it matter?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmXeyUAQ1R
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuWbxgqr53
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrS9CLUelp
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmq02vYfyid
“Rozzlyn.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxMdvTm4p7
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOF7X8Vl4o
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKIAX63BFE
Jesus Christ.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1K5tZ96LMP
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoT27bjSyrB
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWTB1yrc2w
His eyebrows furrow.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWpun9ermcM
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFuMql38Az
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVywWqnis1p
“What does that mean?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtW9pjhp1Gt
“Where’s Nadia?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4A5xBuSyx
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtuQbIxhvU
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkilM2A98s8
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcjZwRczol
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjMybOIdo4
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4L9Z3xS2ah
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHsw1k5ZWR
It’s all I’m worth.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbES3vwgx8
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnpzdHOqiT
I’m empty.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fAHbQyusF
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErAux1ELtW
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGdSPEgyuV
“You stupid, stupid woman.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27H9yuzkWI
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUjm3YT1qf
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDKoqVNIwY
Is this real?301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaHku4ll9X
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ570stWSpSO
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewFEKca7LD
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtyhylOd3f
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIc6j3n2lt5
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICVKCxQhUs
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60iflDYNTJ
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoO8FvxLICV
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9jhoyrfR6
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgd7SXONPDM
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkesKgRIiGN
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mElYKkEYX
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIqM5YSJi9
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcDBF9SORR
I’ve never wanted anything more.
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4R2fe9x8F
