I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqsodSxZ0K
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zgsuFbdr8
It’s New Year’s Eve!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9W6sNiiBK3
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiYKnNPRUP
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQodoT9d8JM
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4pjziq3q6
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpFo3nBrEY
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbkr7y8pDm
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdtjc3qxLN
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6C2i9Id2p6
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmwA39JgVJ
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrG4BXUZVq3
God, what the hell am I thinking?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTYYtMkkRB
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDIRdUZmPS
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQuEl7Ubixp
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttGXyBqAAY
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1dVXHGhxq
Why did I come here?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXn7y8Jjq8M
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NsAuWUmHI
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscibJbj59M
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5LUfhF8YO
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSbQqObNBt
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvUlWLI54P
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2CaSOeE1z
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrX9tzfHsPf
Fuck.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOSegLYOOW
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbxcpEzB7d
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWvpopGbKO
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkV7UNFDByd
What do I even say back?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpQn9CYU2s
Lie?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhyV5qscvv
“What? I’d never.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovHh6auLOv
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYWuVWfgXg
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqlQ5RvLA0
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbkqeMxpDB
Okay, so lying didn’t work.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5R5EXZ9mp7
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIib4KX1cj
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW8KmXdX7p
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZu0siJpto
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCgjA8pH8p
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡad1cmRmtCB
I can’t take it.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28ILe8ksvA
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2s5QStfi6P
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgICrb4aSjx
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XxKFSkkUe
“We can do the countdown out here.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8LqOUiru8
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9c5sE2nEj2
I swallow.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikgCcnhTw9
“Just the two of us?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyXOVfymiw
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SSJmxTc68
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwhioKlm9J
“Why does it matter?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzTjCrFNfV
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOnc8yblRx
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzuDtLjLXH
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjW4OmW957
“Rozzlyn.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf820hZ1tLi
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3RcAyCcWz
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVnoXGj4nx
Jesus Christ.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo5WEQxQwB
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCl1nilasO
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfsu7MuMNN
His eyebrows furrow.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBSF3mmx3E
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30Xvm1b2zo
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhPBgoMSD6
“What does that mean?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dCfoR3Y8v
“Where’s Nadia?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9czHVmEmo
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nsPUztETc
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2oAgVDKsc
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagMRSXaCO7
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT46KTCF2yz
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjGPMoGqRj
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfPkD8NJ5z
It’s all I’m worth.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MftRlrLAJ
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfPuFnhiok
I’m empty.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMUwHqU1fP
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUP5blJOsY4
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyqxyKOD0k
“You stupid, stupid woman.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFShcQZ5xT
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZlOkzN16f
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNP7nqzwhis
Is this real?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1QbeGCF6P
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zCf4tGvrU
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2y1wfpX9Ja
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEc0OadSsk
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwqzbFTvc6
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTLbyZPXrE
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViQ2yNQ41i
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cComAKSma
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpO6olGjiz
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPmwoJA5rS
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8E90XjCbpG
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaHrIRsxCi
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nimknPqbe
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFA65sQ5CMj
I’ve never wanted anything more.
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