I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEw5RF6VP2
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrxv0JTBF4Z
It’s New Year’s Eve!355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bLmhCN0F0
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2lKDfsEy4
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaULtiOvrYz
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtFelOw2qt
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCifCrsJABT
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxeUyAxT3p
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnrGmUwaV2
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMxrOKTdtj
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mAGH6Rzak
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUx1J4oCSkb
God, what the hell am I thinking?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZFCFQbEBU
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWlEwIsfZU
355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlGeOvcmdK
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7e9G7XspT
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSytwEQHqQ
Why did I come here?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoPVjz4hif
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA35Opmtfen
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsdr21jH19
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZb7pheFJN
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxbTgQZAGH
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GToa9sVHY
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5Z1EzGUJU
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOyrdMTfQx
Fuck.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yWcWsmtFh
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhLuIop6fq
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8i8fiNb2zZ
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEw8ytthCk
What do I even say back?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThmeOTHiAa
Lie?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUTBi1i2VT
“What? I’d never.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYldhWbpFh
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoReZWaqpHB
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppN9aDm5xu
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJ9CgwFHb0
Okay, so lying didn’t work.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROD6eJz85D
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVj3Io7Fze
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80AmLVsbk3
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGCfKeibrZ
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5bVtYOHSm
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV1uMKqCsD
I can’t take it.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLwfjwJ83z
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaO6CFjlBtG
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANic6h9uDD
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhLtpWQwGm
“We can do the countdown out here.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zchIAQPdh
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqH4cjFwUv
I swallow.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3qfhNsbRz
“Just the two of us?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0znc9bHAG
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHc2g2ZN63
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybHW4479z8
“Why does it matter?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcxw8ZgjEX
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSFWtar1Gl
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQx6jnLMXu
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJc7HpTrS9
“Rozzlyn.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfHfzoji10
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAXUQt9gxT
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8byt6kh5V
Jesus Christ.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJysrKw2p2
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVyau1w2Ii
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJj7JQvdzq
His eyebrows furrow.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrkei7OAi0d
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNJM1UXNBn
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4wobmcjF4
“What does that mean?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqSVO4YkWH
“Where’s Nadia?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUeDjMPBcBM
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4BlbjIqEC
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxINH0uYuT
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg49GfGlVyb
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxx31vGnN4
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJO1PKFj5l
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtfMzbq5oQ
It’s all I’m worth.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDCFSzjntF
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqBab6ebbI
I’m empty.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aCMjZHuhf
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfiVQwZiUA
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nkaIP9FdZ
“You stupid, stupid woman.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjOXS07J33
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiIK2Gf9bm
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0U4DUENDeG
Is this real?355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5q2g0jbvk3
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gMJy5gVjC
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHN5UN2I1NW
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW86QRuYpv5
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbY1c6oweSN
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWYsBv8xgD
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2ZYcFyigA
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kt98K3LgX
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnifZzobHjV
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYh6bLlS3K
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlenhbdqOvH
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gkcwTK2SX
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxNsLl2nhN
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35fnL0JJSo
I’ve never wanted anything more.
355Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrrmsEmlXr
