Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgmQO3ciN9
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3WRl4vdlP
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Y0kjnqxVf
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQFbRfjwGz
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUz4R3dq95
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKMWBRpKn9
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiByFKJYSkr
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4DS74vtMw
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOyNQMIS0T
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNisQ05gVBN
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcC37GDayQ
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlN8T2wMdI
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWi4rIixKR2
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1USGD2Hoh
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ai0NCZce9
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbbmJQWSoN
"Everything is growth"15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HxKb9DBFP
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60aDZONq0X
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzYxwMt62t
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7n4oXtr1kk
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2l2FK9NwLW
I wonder what part of that is alive.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wgmgzL02y
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjOkRLiGA4
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wbsk1ZxEb
There is no other point in this community.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBJNLyEmgJ
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB63vkOMpO
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDFtFUf3Q2
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46hCGu58th
Whatever that's supposed to mean.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1aivL7u7V
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8eBCTLQJ0
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6kxJR8HsU
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIkhVcADcm
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qqcHvHj1E
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFF5tMzEuOu
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXnbehcJBe
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpedF4hRU1B
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7Tpcpdg6Y
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77xvBAhsry
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZztZ96nDH
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgmrxjmv9E
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1J6u44moY
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtQQs4QkdL
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLqeGXzAKQ
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWa0j47LQP
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yKCl936rh
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtjoRT4tKE
