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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYrzmJfZtE
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkxBIZdJlY
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fAJKP29yV
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS08Znh3MEt
Hmm... 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtpeWv9xzp
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTDScPSdm7
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbc8APBSHta
"You can have have all the adult toys."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfo2uiKvrVA
Except for the pecker enhancer!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡum8vFKBxdN
"That's all I need..."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDg25tBoxV2
"Wait!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr97RdvgGgB
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi54xiUU37K
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnIfjJiz2H
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFnrcy8RAT
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6uO2H4ioN
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOyRqD4fa4
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqezxxWWv1
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpslnhVXF1
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEHjzpH5fC
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhcUct8PSO
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwSiwWpr1E
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITXZEctaj5
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYNPC6BZPg
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjqblp5Ncx
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsjGpCIHi5
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWRzyhqutl
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXIf8xqRPF
(Sarah laughs)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3o61YHEYr
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4rRP5wtWg
"Gosh Darn!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEqTsVoZlB
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOIjf3nvYO
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ffuoBqj4r
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqM8hrsJsON
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VdFQi9BBQ
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6zynTxDEk
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RoUPpfAiV
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQh2ZlZMIyH
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoDh0TTRMp
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OPeFTUQNB
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpVtpiV3cs
(Sarah says what)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2b5Oirqqd
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPhJsPbNsm2
(he laughs and Sarah winks)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSFtNPCUKZ
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbyeFKh4fB
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40M1Oof5Ba
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VZUzbvcev
(Keith laughs hard)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTAcqF4Enr
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKSkmF9ZC4
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmo77KnEsIL
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43tk1hMGZi
Honey,498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyoibNMHEU
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mAOVxfMx6
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡix1BQd9zbu
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXrdfKY64Yb
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbViJ7i6QG5
Keith says,498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oZPDgjLN5
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFqoxq5Du4
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMNzrYxXze
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpj3KKJnuPn
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnW50egaR31
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSKRytIQFh
"Ground beef!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpbzTRAvoc
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQXC5hh1Pu
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhdPJu7kCt
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7DrlHm3jZ
Lawsuits.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jHsNudm6v
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cHzIlMKHb
Keith's friends knew him as the 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBWcs5PVPq
Clown Jester of Bakersville.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUMIfObR7p
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRAVTCHEeO
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mB6QSxoKD
Because he was so outstanding in his field!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DwCXU46O9
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENIQXm6FXX
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEhbMolIWE
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWM7gXT93cf
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVyoKZ6f0l
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq9nyNPmiJU
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEAJjboU7E
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeD7Cy9ONPQ
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpixk1CRskR
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEGLOisyEd
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0dvS5TSIp
Having heard them all before, many times.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHtB0Hjiqn
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkPb4YdpPt
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRXzt7PKMQ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArOvUSMcQb
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4x9jGuqX2
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWmu0Poyt8
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6gg5SpVuR
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqcOYKzRfC
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmp5aYP11k
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4aQKosTmx
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXACkXJWSzf
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUNHUip1j5
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhg2kbQ904
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXYzvNkMQG
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYGKDDcp4u
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RcUb3MjDp
(audience chuckles)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9TYkrsuYS
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8t1MspFBD8
I haven't heard from him since.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAFl6AOB8L
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVse5WvXPc
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAlS4dwerO
(audience laughing)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9nMXrSO2g
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YxaRGGqrH
She still isn't talking to me.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZ9rTOc5Cj
(Keith smiles)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKi522ftn1
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBL8UuEzRc
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaPt9kWQb4
but I am on the fence!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuou79BCaGw
(audience laughing hard)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadsBP2E8kX
[He gets on a roll]498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwGbcSZCFx
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMuiHcrHhN
She gave me a hug!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTLFa4AD64
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvaHrp0Kbl
Hey!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtHsufYjKX
What is the worst combination of illnesses?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6TNUgIGlc
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6OYU38lNf
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFODtiX83Q
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuCoj9yK9j
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDPym2n23U
How do you get a squirrel to like you?498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrvEw65Tje
Act like a nut.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NVd6fDvPk
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXPvGkZjoa
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQHPkWPqgH
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MUd65zfOI
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBZqXrrXjq
So I Left.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ744d5LaNp4
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGlowRSHhR
"The steaks were pretty high!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GvrV0LKhW
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YVyKE9Cd2
Goodnight!"498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8v7qetwyC
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlYYIXFqRo
He went home happier498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YrXpw6uJT
than he ever
Dreamed!498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyrPN4EbTq
498Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnt7J3KeS5n
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.25da2
