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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡle8itNXHHf
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpHgrohjt0
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQp5fYzh8n
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5raFKFIyN
Hmm... 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdxkrVOEwz
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClnDjDbSW2
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxZljhTgRu
"You can have have all the adult toys."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBFVBMY5J7
Except for the pecker enhancer!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37WQEiYalQ
"That's all I need..."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4a3bXSykj
"Wait!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdKLKVyaY1
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePLWATQbiK
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyoTUQon6d
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9GL0sH4TA
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfR5ZEAk0X
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEGeUYY03P
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4VOKVEeZh
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡommJRbJN5m
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTbntwFrc8
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8M6Xyiwtd
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34pp88tUho
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThDhC9BHAo
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NtUGmhW5Z
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNELzqvUDp
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyY8ABVMSWo
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBYvGxtVgI
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobqLfnC306
(Sarah laughs)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYsyRlLq5Y
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5zfIyBrbj
"Gosh Darn!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZY9KGWD8Jm
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2JOAFQYOC
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JMo6TOXOJ
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUm9YeiWheT
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYm02VRvem3
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbWYN4WKt1
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroDS4dlJiQ
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGOpjbVKNQ
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkjtHdGnVx
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2vAryeQnS
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitTyeQGSNz
(Sarah says what)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy37ilBsjab
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazhGcvvu37
(he laughs and Sarah winks)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02EgYpVWRV
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwt5zSRF9uU
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGbxk9jzQf
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTjD7VlX5V
(Keith laughs hard)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazrpyRtRyV
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpl74Ew7XY
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfiSSXWg9j
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzn72dFhOH7
Honey,400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpq8i8LJzJ
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZQP2ZGPDQ
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCVSEQFHiC
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXoSh5dayw
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7AO1oTY3z
Keith says,400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbahmMtXsbJ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAfq3iWOf0
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNKE1pZj0a
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwQL4tMU5E
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gjwjDi6g1
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gCHKs4lKY
"Ground beef!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEBYG6plLX
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡna9PUv3Y9D
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9wl684pAb
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJZXGRXpMF
Lawsuits.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroYAct0pLs
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzIfmHUHAR
Keith's friends knew him as the 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFFSP0qK9w
Clown Jester of Bakersville.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWj65pFa4b5
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhIATwHONf
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgm4agFMPa
Because he was so outstanding in his field!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyzXdBWpr7
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKrL1qQaB4
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvPfxjn8y8
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfaPm5ALPL
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOJ4hEAhCR
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGi0A7HTEGU
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVtD7YUfBP
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoh2AgObdT
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIbPsrPceu
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlq4J8e1pBj
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RBIRh7ckT
Having heard them all before, many times.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSouM4Y8yWY
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpl3ntnXhx
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yzz8zgnpd
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPo2k8z1oJi
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKDSYlwHIT
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHULw28ybb
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JlOkVaU21
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNpDepZukk
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0h3qHN7vj
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUpW6ngTLA
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDuSTmHg9B
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EBGetOVdE
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprHH0uf1YV
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa254yU1Pyl
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ac4pzewKI
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91sWflG2wL
(audience chuckles)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNo3FgqeOR
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiiSgC1W4r
I haven't heard from him since.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QbsLyCVlZ
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAqI4Rpdec
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoEnBcG2IN
(audience laughing)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLnUjO6i7H
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCY3u651yi
She still isn't talking to me.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2dk1XSJ9f
(Keith smiles)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1zm1fzHYr
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrgYYaxlp5
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uSGMTVg7L
but I am on the fence!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23NWQcYi0S
(audience laughing hard)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXythJtWWl
[He gets on a roll]400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyupD9DUkRh
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GKWFPjBkI
She gave me a hug!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPk5f9DEhv0
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIduzE48KMC
Hey!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGQ95YU6G7
What is the worst combination of illnesses?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBNAFtPmyr
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYI7Q2rHHy
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UgvirgUnM
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiXssjIsVJ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBHbkRh12k
How do you get a squirrel to like you?400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOW8jWOHVK
Act like a nut.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrSINJ9G6g
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVB7oNsHJG
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmj5AKSXl9
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAVHi3wWWw
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdlZ8gko8v
So I Left.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmd6uy9xW4
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0f8XCo5Xsn
"The steaks were pretty high!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2YCM1Lmy3
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2nUUkmSRO
Goodnight!"400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfM9dcxtkGt
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VbbV3HLl3
He went home happier400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPPAU9jFCE
than he ever
Dreamed!400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFfLs9w2wc
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqzzpwZUpP
© Charles Kemp
ns3.15.147.225da2
