I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvyRZ2acRG
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU80kV4FEA
It’s New Year’s Eve!406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCV69t2pNrc
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXPlov5Uis
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsekW5AR3C1
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVO5qFKcZsf
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuLlg0BWlH
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcEqiDiH6u
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaCjm7al1V
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxprM7NpmM
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQicuayfcW8
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUbi6TMfmL
God, what the hell am I thinking?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqdB0r03qu
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ES4IN784X
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJUYSc1TRa
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqAokxOTsb
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrOVauHqUV
Why did I come here?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBv5HdCTylE
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HyIaWfdY9
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJcPFeZjIO
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuht0YNTAIC
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiZ0obIgoT
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuM6kLzwxo
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtw2COJHQj6
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMQBtHi8fD
Fuck.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6B1XQ7Kbw
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUawJaZXXu
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kLVZIPqII
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJM5RW3B7C
What do I even say back?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTQe2hF89A
Lie?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxctxEJbw2
“What? I’d never.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQpWvBAGDS
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEBOJFGZOn
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOinpQUCGD
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkTo9notEG
Okay, so lying didn’t work.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSKPHoSMSf
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLenGdXbpLR
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjrU9cyViS
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJjQZu2y2v
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXo2PR6ckvB
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJF6oB3vHLT
I can’t take it.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3WdnA0Wlq
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0KnLJ551u
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjxYUB0T8o
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6t2fc7eWG
“We can do the countdown out here.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqYs7SmrC9
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZ9IJil0SP
I swallow.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALUdjNsLJD
“Just the two of us?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwRTOUeEQJ
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUSvECYU9D
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNENKGeQ8O
“Why does it matter?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPvGqa94NC
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYfoqkOppd
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpqRlufyeU
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWKaHmR0gm
“Rozzlyn.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxorVLmNnvM
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbQRTZg8Bi
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKOBc7Bu6l
Jesus Christ.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9o0rjaY1hZ
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCcYktWo4t
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9u71jU7Kes
His eyebrows furrow.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9J5tRrLpgV
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXLPrxVmtR
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjsnDSc5M8
“What does that mean?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyyHB3g8yK
“Where’s Nadia?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURxwgUINiV
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKFrSa9U2E
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGEiggPzia
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOL4j2E7CPq
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxVbEf5h6J
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZ5ipO2DiY
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM75QSuxp1W
It’s all I’m worth.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJQ7U9jTJJ
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwprAlccO3
I’m empty.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZY8DB1tx9j
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaSXlhQQEO
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbFo5dBJIZ
“You stupid, stupid woman.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZya3WG1X86
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQVhNpooTX
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQpcJg2lVg
Is this real?406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgvALrZHL1
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGwLBf5mIO
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZoK6KoEne
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyE796GWuvI
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TFUFjsIjE
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJLKPLWrsz
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrXEWB2ays
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNg722kvfPu
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gz8T2nXmk
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2EaEKImPx
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EFDmhlXr2
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0sXSsaCtw
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPFe0OOCEY
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZClHMmJuvj
I’ve never wanted anything more.
406Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqYxSPxjfy
