I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTNv36E9uc
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KpwWU50wN
It’s New Year’s Eve!356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnI1sRIUyIS
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaxTKoec6r
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzCmbW5SLn
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDyFqoxCpD
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAIMl6Q0IP
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixMmm1jxbm
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OTTpXmCMf
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUPtSo40gp
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgE8ezP3tt7
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NxSoqeu4a
God, what the hell am I thinking?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NXi8N1fnt
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB0uMNn3WD
356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPLcw5Cgsj
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8YvCT4sLa
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHPgNUXTpi
Why did I come here?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡay7XGkX6bw
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAySdXqZnUQ
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7nAFSDFy7
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPfy16EGCf
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpLoYgw73o
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChO8ZOFmZg
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7Y088P1KH
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9ONcRco1Y
Fuck.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZSpvl1xeM
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJbk25Cz7t
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbH5m2z73oa
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHB04LxJYF6
What do I even say back?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvk83mbxhW
Lie?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡax2bZMKUHR
“What? I’d never.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTiQsQpket
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkchAkJXPqF
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDVJJhRi5g
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKLG7uVTre
Okay, so lying didn’t work.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hQpQ2LQx9
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTpe3A8zAa
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4cZ7iYpre
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyvubUwFzX
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4zcbiwhPx
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpzFkvFA0d
I can’t take it.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpj3WTzesbb
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyeoXFKede
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23z1Beo2YO
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhw1WfWqRk
“We can do the countdown out here.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFkCA9Y5y0
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRFbOFwSJF
I swallow.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNiYHJOeiF
“Just the two of us?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2Kk404ic6
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJGFH8zrHZ
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Hl61RzXxt
“Why does it matter?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPbBYjO6Rj
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iUbCXBKeZ
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EAQaIg38Q
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kJljwLRTz
“Rozzlyn.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpQdfetBY8
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbskLAlRo61
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iOyaEVkqP
Jesus Christ.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaE0lNBD3S
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RUoB20I1f
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEgSpVTG92
His eyebrows furrow.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQALCyuIMDe
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Gci3lI7jE
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOnC7A3dHm
“What does that mean?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhotDoGYKa6
“Where’s Nadia?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYX4fgiv3NI
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE26ibVpbLS
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3k2lEyZg6
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYehUJSdcA
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35HB9dueJR
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHCegDS16v
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqNjMyQ2n7
It’s all I’m worth.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUkEFVPsVa
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAi2JDAM4B
I’m empty.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9z4i5MeMWP
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAn3OsHdspa
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfKMs1r1kI
“You stupid, stupid woman.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdokcoOCak
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHffr1jWLKT
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHFrGdOPnq
Is this real?356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCsHBpHNTe
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00DoS8II4q
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03d7tapnJl
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDfv0uCdBf
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4QY7dpifs
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIZ8l0PeGO
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpF2ZgRxec
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjynyWQVDZ
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl33xFj4fwi
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZnKTdnvXp
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7utymhGuVk
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBKWkg78oQ
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcqruejq5e
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMKXceH3mf
I’ve never wanted anything more.
356Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjpDsobXAN
