Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezgAYccEO2
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvCsPr9eXK
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkuW9LFPbm
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdBIv6YOJY
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wEO49xVjG
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRRXRAnhhK
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqG8ca168I
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvYry2AlPq
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7wqqiq88R
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNlUiqoCm5
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6RCWPNLjc
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5qunISxhx
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGxVTtiFza
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiugqt2lVxR
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5ouWvzLSU
11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hpYkosCuc
"Everything is growth"11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMw45ZDSE8G
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIENT5CQQd
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzMKSySC1R
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvUjZlZ3vo
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mAQbk1hmm
I wonder what part of that is alive.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4B9Wl4pIO
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYEwrmuII8
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fYUJ373SO
There is no other point in this community.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZj29fQXhu
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQeATpGdfD
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lFOhDcSMx
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2ZMY20Jsb
Whatever that's supposed to mean.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOxXMD5uhN
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nuU6gkA3a
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4e4TL5KY9A
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7FYEFdqZG
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFTDor1NAR
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWcxjez5in
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pnNK4Dbyl
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuV8JBYYeC
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqEvt94iz4
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ741ORPxlaI
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9edxRDeN9
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFA8HEqbwd
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsp4pWbO61
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzo4HLm3rD
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtNKhM4KDt
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzs8e10W6hZ
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFfBYhUL8a
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuj8fnCsrc9
