Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xOhi2j6EW
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpB01sEwlh
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5EXhvWZWM
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ107AiguFG0
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVDWKYz4XE
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRorRYtZ66u
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4T3appx5N
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEtXILqQbl
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0ps2dsyo6
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabK3Qx28uM
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnwZg1OpQx
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtMdcM8T5N
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKK8zPEZ79
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksQxk4nbtK
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzHWPNw0nG
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqlnJUgAJT
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlP6BmjOeo0
I didn't respond.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA85lpUCPd
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0sl8JnDfu
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiX0ers9De
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqX6nZvVGZE
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOTK6qK1CE
I shook my head.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl43V2ULmpq
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMLV4ZBezF
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjaK5ginqM
I frowned.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05V1lIx3pW
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrq2NAtAXm
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlB1Yp3ZpZ
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUryHR89ZJ
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eaH93LMXt
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yX749qqlj
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTStcZL6mF6
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWpWiHw7Ph
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtJUySlvSv
