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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7ijoXYu2y
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeK6Uqmp3Fa
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkfXvkj0xa
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSvlf6vSUi
Hmm... 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEflOJXGwUQ
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6sAVzfiOR
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yVXljP71v
"You can have have all the adult toys."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3rPyX51GH
Except for the pecker enhancer!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67xkVKBwV4
"That's all I need..."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1whxrWElyb
"Wait!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEldkXodpij
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7KCqXNdIn
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmbyMGB5Z5
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnncPo1benl
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23VljFLlW8
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoHRMrPEMS
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuoa5Wtroj
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUjGcl51oz
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkD8bV1vtC
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kXH6w0b0K
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5YeAOJNh4
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mEhLKZRpF
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxN6FW13sh8
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIKsi0H3iz
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpnJbSNlAR
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsbg82PcZS
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34x9m7d0du
(Sarah laughs)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVy8ONHe9MK
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcWveHV4Bj
"Gosh Darn!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IZUYMxi6e
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3B3GsiKoJ
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpsFRwlZzp
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgjPnmg9DM
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqw292487B
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzZnjybkyR
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIioZuMSupD
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuzt656BXt
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAofXOrhzDP
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQTeQT7mX9
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Cxd0yJW8F
(Sarah says what)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznH577vsYt
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUmy7UajHO
(he laughs and Sarah winks)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgLaLWABnL
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTn9lvw5D5
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEU19AI6Q2
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8sr3LzlaS
(Keith laughs hard)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8jsqlZKUD
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86GTttiVa0
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN11uVv6m94
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQhIEwsBvb
Honey,497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6bi8Qv2Av
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbtmqmGfnz
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9117v6mnFk
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJsxysCLQk
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrl3QTreJUj
Keith says,497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvl8k0uq6i9
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3l3VEx5a2
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3jZVAz15h
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjenveADXE
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVlKc9O8vb
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjvIumk1Zs
"Ground beef!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEmLnxyhXA
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsb3rTDtA2q
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky96FPXMoX
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMn7XcnyWjY
Lawsuits.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6ozlMlvGc
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOQ2zyobj4
Keith's friends knew him as the 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCTeCRymt4
Clown Jester of Bakersville.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zOGRkju5k
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jmRRFtQMy
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbb2ILoVqaB
Because he was so outstanding in his field!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRP6oO3jhrR
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBa5x9HGnzv
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJ2lWvJiSg
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmhrC5Mp6R
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9uqlfL326z
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9II7oWrPk
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRpXCOSVNo
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfWeReBBr9
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kCFjLiViY
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6hfZaamFw
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznI6SCeOnN
Having heard them all before, many times.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWrB5nwF2r
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjiMseKo12
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvj0Flh2Bn
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhwfjVeqI1
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymDWfCTcrN
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRRZ90X0Dj
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8e9dayn8C
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAkFwrr6I5
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W7oDOr0SY
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLbAlXyog7
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPEd6L37xn
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXb5eBfFFK
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcOKUrhBZl
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIo19TehIs
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1fyYrG9Zb
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhmqBbnBLq
(audience chuckles)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFb5KcTVXy
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37N14hMJ5E
I haven't heard from him since.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFkv70UbKc
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENMmhZX2OB
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFAb7Cjlli
(audience laughing)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubibytXLJM
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0EMWLMgxo
She still isn't talking to me.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0NTolAT4o
(Keith smiles)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiDHsfw3FJ
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsS6MNqttQo
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEj24z6uh8
but I am on the fence!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShTt3OUufQ
(audience laughing hard)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziXUzFQ8jM
[He gets on a roll]497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWghvCew6f
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cN8Me8sNE
She gave me a hug!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vxHD5qNln
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXs0ec7tTZs
Hey!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGc76MCU7P
What is the worst combination of illnesses?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoL0xyGgbAt
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeHQmhf3jg
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVcb69hJsL
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWha68QpOoT
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuVsEuXP9V
How do you get a squirrel to like you?497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzRdng3sgl
Act like a nut.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBNXXduuha
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsfZuaHtIV
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawTyuSAH0N
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLtppsNKk7
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFA8s6WpEcQ
So I Left.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV654x9fm5W
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96Yylp7qm3
"The steaks were pretty high!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HKsATiV3c
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYs1yxsX6Jf
Goodnight!"497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsIagdlLE9
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYi6GdH3YFP
He went home happier497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6fUaI3PPr
than he ever
Dreamed!497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86wuzrIEsy
497Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR7B9gHclj
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.25da2
