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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASiR9n0KTU
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2aWK7XPMJN
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbwZOOo6iJ
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQMLEBFsPR
Hmm... 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnLkZR7EpU
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqmAEtG34E
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadMEzzMOJU
"You can have have all the adult toys."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZhnUmZjDg
Except for the pecker enhancer!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAz39BSicwG
"That's all I need..."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3j8HIovzc
"Wait!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsF0vPOwDpp
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9BFlaETzI
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFEiiDIaUd
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQjCWrCfUj
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkysW0GAn1A
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMkYBSH4Qv
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYsXQCPLUtf
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbGQQ3Vorl
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqt3U3vCwrK
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWmyLnCF6V
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJOd5NwGaI
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63o3TahGfX
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLhc4auYPw
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVmcIvbsFJ
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8oviPEROa
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNt6kuYniy9
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCITilDMcb
(Sarah laughs)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvuv7ZTnbo
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iVhIjvGIU
"Gosh Darn!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4r0xMKO6C
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQ8h9AVzWo
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrJqRIVKky
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJ3oXl4mpX
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4igizljuRC
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguPHvxnCuW
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXwWpDfQ8T
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj34Y0QSBpg
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EPeKUVFko
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzPhYoHZqx
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuD1VNJIk5
(Sarah says what)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JVMw7tUng
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwqT9n4ZYz
(he laughs and Sarah winks)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k3FVEX5H7
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1UdMJ9CIJ
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0Q3vP245B
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87J6nRDJJP
(Keith laughs hard)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUCDKAPh9l
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFk3husMQS
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJipqMHfhK
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuzY1UgW4b
Honey,444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6YviqJz7KS
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrnaBLWo4Y
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZMw5R4DZQ
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhm9VYj1Mge
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBdjshGvXj
Keith says,444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfTd5YvvqQ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bS8GxnK6V
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhPPMGCRyz
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uaRcgNmvr
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkpUx9pkEJ
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPwXZeriRR
"Ground beef!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4yITMeMbk
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFElzV74Fy
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNB8U6tjQvC
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMul75x8pk
Lawsuits.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7tRvXSpQS
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1s7EKeeTs
Keith's friends knew him as the 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU0PbXVlo4
Clown Jester of Bakersville.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw49cuzfZXV
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvifB3wUMe
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnYTTr8FDg
Because he was so outstanding in his field!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBWydDb3nN
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHzCwDOWyF
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1OQD8d4On
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitMYGFVG1f
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJ4MvSEqFZ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgXwbm3lpe
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBMlSQvWsZ
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIRTUYt1Ls
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUA2Pu7qT4R
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9R5DHslbrw
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSrqtT1n8z
Having heard them all before, many times.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkp2xOZjCA
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KCGycDcHt
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBusZyP55nD
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRH5sa4xEoo
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8azAATu0i
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iyGM50YmC
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezLrPNWNfR
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsnfFMIDId
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wxGdmW8Om
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFD8T9kMVo
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9pxwe3RoQ
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9wiI2QBOR
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PQlGxeFos
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQANJSvlcSY
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2T6JSOL2q
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2QdjxKjjm
(audience chuckles)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheS3XkHWYl
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVywR1ziaz
I haven't heard from him since.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhag0bCAe2E
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33rCAvZvPE
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OngQyKNzz
(audience laughing)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuWOQcZPP1
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU53vQa5WCZ
She still isn't talking to me.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRi8EbgkFki
(Keith smiles)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuNiTQIhsB
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolC0BvJ8QO
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1TGbVGyGQ
but I am on the fence!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSOYbEMv8s
(audience laughing hard)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKqFQK1Jgw
[He gets on a roll]444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGre1TuRAe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WOGi3y3V4
She gave me a hug!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6cNV2IFDs
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhiqa9jS0q
Hey!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzXOV5EINW
What is the worst combination of illnesses?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgq2aYup48
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyn0f1C8kT
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT36ty02KC
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVM2aP7HGJ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhgYf0rWB3
How do you get a squirrel to like you?444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGB2xksefO7
Act like a nut.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQXgA4lu0j
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQu4xEFIGML
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxshoWhztj
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22ab9Kwi0G
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkP0aUm9aYg
So I Left.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLaNuTzq5k
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY1RxrfZpn
"The steaks were pretty high!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lA6bwdB52
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOcO3YBwVf
Goodnight!"444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE33zGoSntu
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3o0OCCY0a
He went home happier444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k90Dr48c2
than he ever
Dreamed!444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPy5k9J8fyx
444Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDCpI58mUb
© Charles Kemp
ns3.144.94.139da2
