Not to day your not

I felt all alone all my life cause i just felt so out of place and i never knew what was going to be in store for me when I got older

i thought i could believe another husband but parentally not

I never knew what a home was  I felt like i was bounce around  almost all of my life I never knew what love truly actually was until we got back together 20 yrs later, This is dedicated  to my wonderful husband Roger Stephens JR.

Today is my birthday lets see if i get any comments

I find my self falling to pieces almost all the time but i can not understand why

This is my last memories of you but you will always have the memories of me since you hurt me for this last time

This is about my second ex husband was not always by my side when i truly need him the most. He changed after his parents died 2 yrs apart so me and are marriage had  pay the price and he went to heavy drinking instead

This is based on watching my now 24 yr old growing up in front of my eyes

I never thought i would ever feel this special connection with someone when i was 19 yrs old  and the true story  that i am telling will blow your minds

I have lived through some dark days  and they was not full of sunshine and roses

I closed the door on my second marriage, I got tired of being hurt and lied to and all the broken promises that was broke

I was such a daddy girl and a grandpa girl. Life with them was cute and funny

just wishing what my life is going to be like

This is about the pain i had in my life it feels like it will never end I just want to lay my head down and find my peace but instead Tears are just falling

This is a true story about my second ex husband Paul  and we was together for 15 yrs and i divorced him 4 times and the 4th time was my breaking point to the point of no return

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Angels In Heaven is my tattoo that I drew and its in memory  of my family and friends that I lost from my  grandpa  James M. Walsh that I lost first in 2002 and then my cousin Heidi Walsh that died  in  Nov 2009 and then my Aunt Peggy that passed away Jan 2010 then My Uncle Pete that died Feb 2010 then my dad that passed away Aug 2010,  And there is more family i lost before them that i never knew  so I wanted to remember them all and some of my friends i lost to specially my good friend  Darrell Purlee  the funny thing about him we had the same colors in are tattoos and i never knew until i saw his and we both laughed about it but he lost his life way to soon He passed away March of 2023 . Every time i look at this tattoo i always think of everyone that was close to me and also had alot of meaning in my life , You will never be for gotten .R.I.P everyone i love you all and miss everyone of you, I hope to see you soon one day.

I was holding on but nothing but the past  and it was time for a change I just had to let you go

EVEN THO MY NAME IS KAREN I GET TIRED OF PEOPLE SEEING MY NAME IS KAREN AND THEY SAY STOP ACTING LIKE A KAREN WELL HERE IS MY STORY ON IT

This based on a true story of the life and struggles and some times happiness

​​​​​​​but there are days that are not so nice

Just laying here waiting wondering what will be next in my life will or will it feel like a nightmare living in hell or the other

My dreams when I was a little girl and who i wanted to be

I never  be the one to be fake or pretend something that i am not I am real as they come

I don't know if i was Living A Nightmare Or A Lie cause i did not know i was going to live in horror or lie but i figured out i was living both

​​​​​​​

Well how this all started I met this man on line April 1st 2008 and we had are first date on april 4th 2008 well be broke up due to issues and we stayed apart for 6 months and we got back together well we stayed together four and half years but there was things said that I didn't see he hide me 4 and half yrs he kept me away from his parents they didn't know anything about me at all and how they found out about me was through a accident he had with his truck and that's when everything came unfolded.

This man hide me up stairs when his ex wife came and got his kids . Then he needed help cleaning his house and his excuse was he was tired and didn't have time . This man work at Brinks well he lost his job because he fell asleep behind the wheel while driving a armor truck . Well I knew what he had he had sleeping issues and I saved him for that . This man was a only child from his mom and his mom knew how to save money and she made sure if something happen to her that her son was set up for life and I didn't know anything about this .but this man I was dating was getting a extra $34,000 a year from his parents even tho he worked before he lost his job and he got another one driving a school bus.

When we got married the first time it was Jan 10th 2012 then everything started to come undone slowly . I found out he couldn't keep promises to his kids or me and the look on his kids face broke my heart 💔 but I was thankful I didn't do that to my son. As time went on my husband at the time had anger issues I couldn't have men as friends even tho I had alot of men in my family and most of my family was military. Then he wouldn't let me fix up the duplex that was my home to he told me it was his place and he told me no then I said well u know what then let's get divorced I shouldn't be living here or be married to a man who is selfish as hell but yet I was good enough to take care of his kids and do all the running and making sure his kids was well taken care of when he had his kids every other weekend.

Time goes on we divorced due to his anger issues I'll never forget him slamming his hand on the desk and yelling at me while I was sitting on the bed . Then we fixed everything got remarried than 6 months we got back together we divorced a few more times after that and got back together and I was having health issues and I had a few surgeries but Jan 2019 we lost his mom she had illness we didn't see coming we thought she was doing good but she passed away and I'll never for get the phone call in the middle of the night and we rushed to the hospital we walked in this hospital and u knew she took her last breath cause when walked in the room her mouth was open and my husband at the time lost it and I made him step out and got the nurse to close her mouth but then the nurses come in and ask questions and they asked my husband at the time if he wanted to donate her organs and he said no to it and the nurse leaves and then they called up to where his mom was at and asked him again and my husband at the time yelled at them and said I told u guys no when u was up here talking to me.

So we had to go to his parents house and had to tell his dad but the sad thing was his dad had Parkinson's disease and I knew we had to have him live with us but before that we was planning on selling there home due to and we was afraid they would fall down there steep stairs to there basement and there washer and dryer was down there .

We was looking at a house while she was alive and me and my husband at the time found a house that didn't have no basement so everything was all on one level but I asked her while she was in the hospital if she wanted us to keep continuing with the house to buy it and she said yes so we did .

My husband at the time mom never got to enjoy the new house or get to work in the garden with me . But I made sure the next day I went to go through her clothes and found her the most beautiful pink lace dress that she never got to wear i made sure she looked classy and beautiful I made sure she had her pearls neckless and her pearl earrings and just wanted her to look good when she met her maker . Then the following year Covid broke out 2020 we all got it and my husband at the time dad got it and he already had Parkinson and when u already had health issues it will take u and it messed with his Parkinson and my father law at the time we had to put him on hospice care and then he had to be bed ridden but my husband at the time was fighting with me about getting his dad a hospital bed even the hospice nurse even told him we needed to.

Finely we got one I went to work and my husband at the time had take care of him full time cause I couldn't left due to having mesh in my stomach well I go to work I get a phone call saying that dad is dead I need u to come home my husband at the time didn't call hospice I had to when I got home and I said why can't u do it he says I don't know what to do so I called hospice and went into the back bedroom and open the door there my father law was he was cold but a week before I set his room up set it by the window so he could go to heaven but I had a bad feeling he wasn't going to make it much longer and one of my dogs was laying in front of the door and it new he wasn't going to make it . So like I said after I called hospice they finely came but what's so fucked up about this was the corner was supposed to be here and make the last call but instead the hospice made the last call and she cleaned my father law up and made the time of his dead but the fucked up thing is how in the hell do they know what time he passed away when it happen some where in the night .

I also planned his father funeral to then he got inheritance from his mom and now his dad and I told my husband at the time when his mom passed away to get a grave stone but his dad told him to wait . But was fucked up my husband at the time not to spend $13,000 like u did for his mom funeral so we spend $7,000 so I got his clothes for the funeral for his dad .

So my husband at the time we got the money from his inheritance from his dad he paid off all the cars for us I wanted to fix up the house with brand new windows all over the house he just let me do the 6 in the only . I wanted a truck with a extended warranty due to my ]SUV didn't have one and he wouldn't let me extend it so I traded it in for a truck.

Then things started to change for the worse my husband true colors came out after both his parents died he started drinking more and more than I ever seen we took a vacation and I told him once I wasn't going to go on vacation with him anymore well here's why we went on a vacation from his job we got a hotel and o my fucken God his anger came out of control cause he was using his GPS through his phone and we was getting a shitty signal and he pick up his cellphone and through it in the small dash in front of me and it bounce back and came and hit me in the knee so hard it left a bruise on knee i said what the fuck is wrong with u that wasn't called for and his response was cause we lost a signal and I swore than I said I wasn't going on vacation again with him.

I meant what i said not going on anymore vacations with my second ex husband well we went to concert after but when we went a out of state vacation that was a nightmare from hell. We was drinking alcohol I had a few cocktails and the next day I started having chest pain like I was having a heart attack and my husband didn't take me to the hospital there he actually cut are trip short packed are backs and left but he stop by the next state and bought $700.00 worth of bourbon then we went straight home and then he didn't take me to the ER i had to take my self and thank God I didn't have a heart attack.

Well I started having stomach issues my mesh that I had in my stomach I was having issues with it and the dr that did it wouldn't fix it so I didn't know if there was a recall on mine or not I had to have another Dr. replace it and let me tell u I had complications with it and this is where it got so fucken ugly and it was a nightmare from hell I was so much in pain I was bend over holding my stomach and I had to beg and pled with my husband to take me to the ER it was bad enough I had bladder issues and IBS issues and now this well they said my lipase was little up not bad but they thought i had a blockage but I went to my local hospital not to the hospital where I hate it done.

Well the local hospital told me i had to go back to where I had this done at but at the local hospital they had to put that tube through my nose and down my stomach and I stayed in local hospital for 3 days then I went back 3 days later to the hospital  where I had it done there and waited 12 hrs. in the ER and I was there 3 days there and I told my husband at the time they was going to release me and he was at work and I was close by his work in St Louis and it was at night as well I told him they was going to release me and he told me ur ass better be released before I get off of work cause I am not making a second trip cause I'll be wasting gas but then I started to lose weight I lost 40 lbs. in a month I was going through toilet paper like it wasn't nothing and body wash to. My husband at the time was telling me I had OCD he don't realize women will get infections if they don't wipe good or clean good down there so they don't get infections he is a man he don't have to worry about it.

Then I went to see 11 gastroenterologist and I had a shit load of colonoscopies and upper GIs and one was telling me it was gas issues and then one said I had some kind of infection and he wasn't going to treat it cause it would go away on its own . And then it gotten worse my son and my husband at the time was fighting and then my son attempt suicided and I didn't know why he tried to do this.

All I know I picked him up from work and I asked how was work he said mom someone thought I was in my 30s and u was my old lady and he got pissed and I was laughing my ass off cause that made me feel good.

Then everything changed he got pissed off I was driving on the interstate going 65 miles hour and he was going to jump out of the car I said what the fuck is wrong with u he was yelling at me and when we got into the drive way I stop to let him out he ran into the house and got a kitchen knife and cut his left forearm and I was pulling the car in the garage when he did this . He was setting outside at the table and I saw his arm open I was like why did u do that son he said I regret it now so I rushed him to the clinic up the street I asked him if he needed me to go with him he said no .

The clinic had to call the police since it was a suicide accident attempt and all of a sudden I was setting in the waiting room and I looked up I saw 2 police officers come in and I said yours here to see my son aren't u and they said we'll we can't tell u that and once officer said who is your son and I told him the name and he said yes we are and one officer came to talk to me and he was so nice cause I was scared to death and one officer went back to talk to my son. Let me tell u when the officer was talking to me I was so crying the officer couldn't understand what I was saying but he was so sweet cause he understood how scared I was for my son . They had to call a ambulance on my son to take him to a local hospital and I told the other office I said he mad at me I know he is and I'll never will for get the second officer words he told me no he is more mad at him self cause of what happen.

When my son got to the hospital he was on a 72 hrs. suicide watch well they couldn't find him a local mental hospital he had to go over to Missouri and he was released that night cause he spent 72 hrs. but he had to talk to the Dr. there and they said he could go home and he called me and said mom could u bring me something to drink and some smokes well my son finely moved out. I had 3 dogs 2 little ones and a big one my little male dog he had seizures and he was on medication for them but they stop working and I had to put him down and he cried one more time not for me to put him down and I had to cause he wasn't getting any better then not even 6 months later the big dog I had killed my other little dog and it looked like a crime scene all I know I was putting my fingers in to my big dog mouth trying to release my little dog and omg little dog jaw was broken and I knew I was going to put her down.

all I know I called my husband at the time screaming at him and telling him we needed to get ride of the big dog she hurt my little doggy bad and I'm going to have to put the little dog down and remember telling my husband at the time we need to get ride of her and I said if u don't I will and he told me if I did to pack up my bags that he would divorce me and then I was still sick from my stomach I couldn't eat without going right through me and from all of this I felt like I was losing my mind 😢

I pulled out my 9mm gun and I was going to kill my self cause this was to much my husband was drinking alot and didn't care how much this was effecting me but something inside of me clicked and I got help and they told me I have PTSD .

Then I found a gastrologist that believed me and he was my 12th one and even all my test was negative he still put me on medicine cause he even knew something wasn't right cause he said u shouldn't be losing that much weight that fast and what ever I ate was going right through me but the medicine he put me on I had to take it 3 times a day and it was 550mg and in a week I gain 20 lbs. back and let me tell ya I was so happy cause someone actually believed me But Nov 2023 I got a job cause I had a plan I made a promise to my self I was going to divorce my husband I was with at the time . Cause he would tell me he would cut down his drinking and he would make excuse why he needed a drink and when he would make a drink I would cry he didn't care and he said he would go to the gym to lose weight he went 3 days and said I don't want to do it anymore.

I would get so cold in the summer time in the house cause he had a floor central air unit and it was on my side of the bed and I would get so cold my bones would hurt and even tho i had a heated blanket on me I couldn't sleep at all and he said he was hot and then I get up and sleep in the rocking recliner and I would turn on the gas fire place and he would come out of the bed room and yell at me to shut the damn thing off burning the fucked up thing.

He asked me when we was going to have sex again all I kept saying was I don't know why but in the back of my mind it was over between me and him cause how he treated me he didn't love me anymore . The only fucken thing he wanted was to get his fucken dick wet. I started to see his spoiled fucken brat side and here I was trying to get better and he didn't support me at all . I got tired of his 15 yrs of broken promises saying he was going to do something never follow through with it.

He also like taking credit for someone else's work that he didn't do cause I'm the one who did the gardening in the front yard he didn't do it and my step daughter boyfriend help me cause he would say o my back and leg hurt so he had to set down . But one thing pisses me off is he don't like a strong woman that will stand up to him and tell him the truth he can not stand that shit and if u call him out on his bull shit he don't want to hear it or knock it off and another thing I can't fucken stand is when he tells u his injury story how he got hurt in the military and if u listen to how he explains it I finally caught on and he told me he was at the bar having a few drinks and there was 2 other men at the bar and his stupid ass got into the car with these 2 other guys that was already at the bar drunk off there asses and he gets in the car and sets in the back seat and he was the only one who lived but yet he can draw VA disability cause he was in the military at the time when his happen. And also what gets me when u call him a spoiled fucken brat it pisses him off to and well when mommy and daddy give u $34,000 a year and pays ur bills like all your vehicles u have had and pays your insurance to .

To top that he never work at a hard time in his life the only thing he did was driving a school bus and he didn't stay there long and he would setting on your ass as a security guard watching a store . He never had a physical or a mental job in his life and if he didn't get what he wanted from his parents he puts a guilt trip on his mom when she was alive he wouldn't give in either until he got what he wanted . So I started to talk to my first husband and he got help for his issues and he did apologize 20 yrs ago and I forgave him cause he did finish his anger classes and I knew I wanted to be with my first husband again the feelings came back and he treated me with so much love and respect and I told my first husband I was going to get a divorce from my second husband cause he was to selfish and he wouldn't stop drinking.

I was tired of being taking advantage of and I was tired of giving and giving and my second husband at the time was taking and taking so I made one of the 3 bedrooms in the back I turned it in my own bed room cause I got tired of being cold and my second ex husband said he didn't like it and he felt like we wasn't married and I said we'll I'm tired of your selfishness bullshit was so Feb 2024 I went to the court house and got the papers and filled them out and I shit u not I handed him the divorce papers and patently he was already cheating on me but at this point I didn't give a shit cause I knew he was going to fill her head with some kind of lies so he could look good but the funny thing of it all is that she is a older version of me 🤣 🤣 🤣 we both had the same jobs but the funny thing is to that I was in his house first so the memories that he has is all me and not her lmao and the women that he dates can deal with all his lies and anger issues and his anger will pop up again and his broken promises will pop up again to .

He doesn't finish what he starts lmao he will make up excuses why he can't do it like cleaning or landscaping cause he will say his back hurts or his leg hurts he will set down some where find away to get out of something. And another thing he does is that he wants you to help him right then and there but yet when it's time to return the favor he will make up excuses to get out of it and he will find away to get out of it and what's fucked up is when u don't do it right then and there he gets pissed off lmfao.

My second husband had something good with me i stood by his side when he lost both his parents and i raises his kids and plus my own but yet he didn't care i went through hell to get my life back from a illness that a surgery caused but yet he treated me like shit .

But like I said PWF I WON!!!!. I divorced u and got someone who loves me and treats me with love and kindness and respect me . So he is picking up the pieces that you broke and he doesn't take me for granted.

With dealing with my second Ex husband PF if I asked him to go pick up cases of water for me since I couldn't lift them due to me having my mesh redone in my stomach so I can't lift anything heavy he would fucken bitch and make up excuses he would order the cases of water at Walmart then have me pick them up and leave them in my car then he would grab the wagon and wheel them back in or I would have to take the wagon my self out there cut open the case of water so I could have bottle of water in the house . PF would make so much excuses to get out of shit hell I nicked named him a 101 excuse man and he got pissed off and u know I really didn't give a fuck honestly cause as I looked at it if the shoes fits wear it .

All I know he knew i couldn't lift heavy shit he would still talk me into it or put a guilt trip on me and I finely caught on and told him no and holy shit did he get pissed off like a wet hornet . The thing with me tho he is so full of shit.

I used to live 45 mins closer than the girls he has been with and a hour but yet I came from good family that was mostly military and my dad was a retired firefighter so yet I was hidden for 4 and half years but the excuses he gave me was because where I was from but basically I found out later because his mommy and daddy was paying for his shit and he was getting money from them to but I didn't know later on like I said in are relationship like until we was married and then right in are 3rd yr being together I said why don't we live together and his words where he couldn't afford it. I'm like o really but ur getting money from his parents that didn't make any fucken since once so ever but yet I was good enough to take care of his kids then clean his house but yet not living together but by the 4 and half yr mark we did move in together and did get married but like I said I should of known the red flags of his behavior but later on.

I finely became wise and realized he was just nothing but a fucken spoiled fucken brat that was a fucken narcissist cause he don't want to admit he is at fault for anything he just wants to act like he don't do anything wrong but yet he tells me I'm playing victim well actually I am cause u made me one cause all the fucken rotten shit u done to me you don't to a human being that u was suppose to love and treat with love and kindness and respect.

All i know is that I'll never forgive him and I even told him in a text that I wouldn't give a flying shit if he jump off the fucken bridge tomorrow I wouldn't care . And u know I'm not a hateful person but when someone goes out of there way and hurts someone that has already been mistreated before in the past and ur going to add on to it than  a your piece of shit of human being and u can set there live with ur self . U know if I was in his fucken shoes I couldn't live with my self knowing I hurt someone that didn't deserve it. Cause it was bad enough that my son real dad that I never married mistreated me to and i wasn't about to live with another drunk.

But my second ex husband this time he deserves every god damn fucken thing bad that will happen to him cause he doesn't not tell the truth on anything. MY second ex husband lies and covers up everything so he can look like he is a good guy but I will tell u this tho if we did a lie detector test I know who would pass and who would fail and it wouldn't be me failing it would be him.

I love how I use to catch him in lies he would give excuses o I was stressed out when he went off on his son over a t shirt he lost at a concert and he went over board with it and in the middle of the night cops where called cause the kids mom called the cops to go get there son and his daughter and PF has one hell of temper when he gets pissed off and it can be over stupid shit like that but the thing of it all with PF he is all mouth and no action he never followed through with anything.

When I wanted to change furniture in the house and my brother was there when he said this to my second ex husband he flat out and told me no and my brother said why not and he told my brother cause I said no my brother said its just furniture she can move it back damn . When PF dad was going down hill we had 2 living rooms in this house and his dad had one living room and we had the sun room and PF didn't like him looking at him and PF would yell at his dad and say what the hell u looking at and I remember saying PF he isn't hurting anything . I remember when PF had to change his dad and PF would yell and scream at him and I said that isn't necessary and stop talking to o your own dad like  that PF that's  and bullshit and I said PF i took care of my sick dad for 5 and half years and raised my son and i never treated or talk to my dad the way u treat  your  dad and my dad was a hell of alot meaner than your dad was and PF excuse was I'm stressed out I said we'll u know how I felt when I took care of my dad for 5 and half yrs and u didn't do it longer than I have so I don't want to hear it.

Then PF would get pissed off and get all butt hurt since I called him out on his shit.

One thing for sure tho at least I can lay down at night knowing I did my job taking care of my dad. I tried to be the best wife to my second ex husband but I just know PF is a narcissist a liar and breaks 15 yrs of broken promises.

A woman does get tired of a man using her and taken advantage of and don't want a man that isn't loving or does not spend time with them and a woman wants to do what she wants to do and let it be about her but u didn't do that u wanted to be the center of attention all the time . I always had to walk the step behind him it was never in front of him he never let me shine he had to be in the lime light to and u couldn't be in it by your self.

All i know is are relationship was doomed from the start but I tried my best to stick it out but when he started to drink more and didn't care about me and was so worried by his dick getting wet and not giving a shit about my well being that's when i knew it was over and it was time to leave and get a divorce and I decided to sleep at the other end of the house get my health back as I possibly could and I was planning to get ride of his sorry ass for a man.

I went to counseling for my PTSD that he caused and i also moved on with my life and thankfully I'm in a better place. I just don't want no other women to be with someone like him . I wanted to tell my side of the story since he is going around and telling lies. So now I got my piece well some of it . So ladies and some men listen to what I'm saying don't ever let your relationship get this far just move on don't let anyone beat u down and know what your love and worth is.

Written by Karen Lynn Nation -Stephens

I was  made  from love  and i was put on the shelf  to have a man to love me for ever

the first man never saw the love he just saw the beauty and he got tired of looking at

me and he to threw me against the wall for my body  to shatter he put me b ack on

the shelf broken and he knew no other man would ever love me

well  long and behold  another man  saw  the beauty  and then he to got

tired of me and he didn't put me back together so i had to rebuild my self

and this time i  was hoping another good man would come along and sure

enough he did but the to came with insecurities  and shattered my heart and what

matter the most to me i just feel like this glass doll just wanted to be loved and have

to have someone to love her.

now this glass doll is now full of scares where she has been sewn and ever part of her body,

This glass doll has as story  not just from her scares  but if you look deeply

in to her eyes you will see the pain  that she has been through

I was made to be loved and put on a shelf for a man to love me for ever.

First man never saw  the love  he just saw the beauty  and he got tired of

looking at me  the he threw me against the wall for my body shatter. He put me

back  on the shelf broken and  he knew no other man would ever love me well long

behold another man saw me  and put me back together and he saw  the beauty

and he to got tired of me and he to threw me against the wall where i shattered

again  and this time i put my self  back together and hopefully another man

with a kind heart would come along and behold here came another man that love me

for a while and then he had insecurities  and shattered my heart and what matter the

most to me I just feel  like this glass doll that just wanted to be loved and have

someone to love her  ,

Karen Lynn Nation