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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzeKDZxhT4
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7LRuFspTB
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52pdAZAMSj
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dGRg3aVtI
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAGcQeEdxA
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbvuMMSO0q
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaMyGGPcyz
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFk6pORamR
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCHSKgYFVw
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTvTki5otq
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFh7O2sTQt
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhb5xXAag8
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYuUyZcaMz
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHm0mYMK39
Then I cried for what felt like forever.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡus8iEuEuNQ
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kuGq1lAV6
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXj5plUQEJh
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGT08K7M80
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRrLqYFcdh
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTrPfbfjTI
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7RxuPDoSW
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmB4kLUJ7i
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9SC1lPXVp
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqE2v1mzNbX
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAGYdWFh6N
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKdrDGUFaS
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpATtXvjfL
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWOFxRjO7n
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVG0rjQOlmJ
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZ6CB0cuKO
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OaPXXiXj4
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yzyuqmL2X
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfliqLmADZ9
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Rb9C2idLg
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5xYvbLVYH
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsZTUAq3te
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEVcUyQnYT
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqVrTxwE4m
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrueLNLaCEU
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7RzvTQreL
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiaGsl5o2V
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OOymkSjOM
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXApxGSdGd
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39OaEEE55l
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhXZuryJMg
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rh7gRWngF
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0isgwDoY3G
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJe2Xzk1PWS
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUzumN5NpY
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzXAEL9HKd
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpNDv7bJXn
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wAERK2dDe
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Gsgc87ppP
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZLiY1EBMC
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjD124BJmA
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByyKl4hI3m
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQGpzjTPDN
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswGSUCAPSK
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbx34YaLS4
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGskTzccrHh
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAasuGkvmQx
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOp34qs9Gb
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OnP6RPZo5
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCWlqgMVgh
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgU2gT88c7
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BMR85VpP0
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2UbsVLluJ
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVEIPMMGzQ
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvDdlBvbwD
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAj80sRzOiR
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONzcDCvFyw
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10vzk7DuCk
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyOrGyVsmk
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOLgKfxmNr
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWJgMbXDsT
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnFUUPyOJV
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dy2LPTrxW
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrR78T6sRz
But that’s another story.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYvqP6m6ws
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3mntn05a6
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”146Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BFB1dXmta
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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