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下班回家，淋浴。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgrzoFqmFF
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcy8fbO65iR
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvKJMZ84ox
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKwKxhlEjl
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRydCfFKbP
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuK6KBB9Hw
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNHXV8GWRM
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsURFObbtK
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UiStZVOXR
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXE4Q89IB5
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5VcmiFBbl
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxNE43N6HQ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rK7ZPqiZq
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPykUHOKLVx
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUbmGwcF6u
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUeETaOsAIG
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDcbCMjFpG
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfuB5e24wK
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWm3moAIB0S
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mVOTjHETt
啪——啪——272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTotDJcRweq
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwP8H1trB5
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRRjTgzKnN
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQA2lwHdt7
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzYPDqTlXs
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlqA4K3Isl
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOWovM9sDm
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzj6uWDkkf
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTbnxv4ONS
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3S80VYRl1e
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2o7HAXQuk
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fIWNZt30z
算了吧。沒所謂。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeF7XyMNuR
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMgN3wkiY5
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNX4RQfeMiu
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmfaXWOsYG
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhRJxW0QWF
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgnfkQnuKY
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlPyE3Chbv
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwARXnZmVL
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdHxMQq7TO
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhU6OiKowss
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCjQYVEZCH
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpZP92sBAI
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyhz7OTsfi
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQP0fhKJLSp
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcl4G8D3PO
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZyfYhuMSH
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBtaagKEwM
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXrnpTqJFJ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQlALE3j1T
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziKcSFdddQ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmsTT2XKXG
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcScyYJoPrT
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZ9oEKG4k0
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlW5KZ9TdQ
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0LGKOCRO6
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38Zbbs5FBH
我頭也不回開門離家。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4IM5H7MEA
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLv36Jg0mIm
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUVCg5PlMc
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDm7Ek7Xtq
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnBJYul6M1
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fjTjNSis8
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWj63NKy0o5
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAQIFK4oFU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUs1r9JlKL9
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hxr2H1XVv
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnNYlvaAVi
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zDcADHh6k
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylgR9BqUiD
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNdEdZAY7E
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglg4kEjmHF
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5LrJZz9u4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zwMV3dPil
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOReBRgfDAe
「你不開心？」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsApRcfwrHl
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWz5s8mxiO
「是的。但與你無關。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQReivxLOb
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGmgm94pDr
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPkckEtf3Z
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0bUY6YuGD
「還有菸嗎？」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9TYW0Usw4
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EV4nCyPZB
「有。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7z3OCfDIIq
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPEC40avmr
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsE9t1M1XZ7
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3d1PcYkFk
「俊仔還好嗎？」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hK9HIbWX9
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGv1EQbnTJ
「與你無關。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTLTGAdoEZ
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkml88yl6LU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQ2SlovMHZ
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPfqVSgT6e
我幽幽一笑。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfXNTZh8ar
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIBOgbfRUW
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExqNFtq7ln
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rSk1MFz97
「多少？我付！」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSdaATyuzI5
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbqAeEd4Ch
「五萬七千五百元。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cA0FevHbV
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KsHfFFcpo
「好！沒問題！小意思！」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKDUD0JGws
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFpyy53xqs
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyBNFAgqYm
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2slU9XqHEo
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZj1AwTd010
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgh7P3Lkd4a
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupW7zH1ZA6
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lVENbtYJI
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAhEL7J8E0
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleJty3GYFv
「阿顧，對不起。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWShtXfwuT4
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFB5huwYuS
「道歉有屁用！」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCZBeUz6Td
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLlEEdLCiD
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuP5wxculVh
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8RSwzFeAo
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv33qxZHK7X
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDzKl5yd1b
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNISysHmwA
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFtuKJ7lvf
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcW57M4mWUm
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡET05TnF0Tt
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JkKfQSJtt
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZKuMnMnKI
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxuYAOGbJF
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv0C7MmWbE
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51EARl62oN
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ2kyK29Zj
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaphv1Ay6Y
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbnwQSA9uG
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ55kn3bU8Z
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZ1nYbyHvi
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmH3BbzjiXE
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oqwdRpmoK
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquHU0FflPY
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCqcpqw2zC
我活該……我活該……我活該……272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDxbXK8qXQ
272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlwsM9OOpO
我如此催眠自己。272Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbZsfXRlIK
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.25da2
