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下班回家，淋浴。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cz4cvK4Gt
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxla1jRZ6es
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdR5jdgIlqd
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfgDomARsP
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwcy0Hqf3o
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYP6ZcgHq9
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUv3Bysu6k
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNS8n7m9E0
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4c037Y9x1D
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVDBBHKOQf
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gWvMG5JyV
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlKlYIWflp
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6kf5WRcp8
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTzDgG3yW2
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6CAkMiyHU
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIvxCRubvF
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJI4xlbo8F
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRclolZ9VQ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeazVCJQej
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbDVQN2gxc
啪——啪——246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWVSy4hoEK
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMUogAoA9J
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Y1pVPe1an
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCR1kTynbm
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfbcG3ISZp
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdSczlxqPv
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xDW8irXKP
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7Hktnpio1
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SkKcesoHj
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiCUOCOqTr
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJP4LaBwJt2
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvKpWRnTiv
算了吧。沒所謂。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdEVyHdypf
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGlTgmmeRc
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaqELOmRTc
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeD6KtGAO4a
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8o4TWkqL9
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKjljEBtZ8
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQe29X7O6xf
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAGbOjWtIQ
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezu43My6FB
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XRZbUDCZO
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmpgVfLc85
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOJ0szdnzu
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27GEJxdwI1
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFF7xTMxD6h
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhe0mtKPXxy
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFg4wjpX08r
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFgP1ghNjH
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7Lw5Guj7U
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGGHjFWHsy
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqOZI8WS5M
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzr7yutjNVy
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAMDOCE922
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYRxuJDDFxm
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRMln4r0aj
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlEZIA8AXK
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4quJig5FlR
我頭也不回開門離家。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwNjdwXU8d
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWpQ5jjBXU
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRw9NUCCPK
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGopqD78KY2
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabNYv84gfc
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGAkvlbBey
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZXYQklU67
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4YLltpVEL
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpM9A5PRf5
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXfGMlkyXm
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4mriunD2c
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EDdEoBj9k
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbGBWuoQqL
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLR1lUubBM
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNWkdttF2e
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEp3c63WuC5
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJ5HwPdUaE
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmgN8JiAeW
「你不開心？」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ba7yl1kOQ
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYeaiv2B9V
「是的。但與你無關。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJomXoJHrge
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8l2QxZSxi
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapHg0bAhxO
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZJSK6SGmn
「還有菸嗎？」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAF4Nrjyf3
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHY7y3qPrG
「有。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35Tj551EXc
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrFlbEF3qR
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCt88griFxG
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGO2Uua5l8Y
「俊仔還好嗎？」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt0Usgs2hP
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxQ2R7rGPR
「與你無關。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYWplqyLNd
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0eMeopH5A
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uQi6mlgce
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeQrLeDLce
我幽幽一笑。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP92eZtN6s
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsgsuRzsJp
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnp0DFhm5b
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgT8Ggq0iBp
「多少？我付！」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNEYdpwYVE
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPuEURkpJY
「五萬七千五百元。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLuA6kbm2z
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsy6SvFkFi
「好！沒問題！小意思！」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBAMxZHyw0
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdaoQjdXD0
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DDlaVC1yh
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0gKDTo25d
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdXKim0HWC
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOT00Dtwa9
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmi9lLgiXCh
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA17If5AxGb
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNrvoiU7sF
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoKEQFfkNW
「阿顧，對不起。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOxjT9qOL4
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmXk5IafKj
「道歉有屁用！」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6lf3CQN8i
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmhfc5OJPi
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OZJd1wpqc
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0meqBjjMg8
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8l9EC8c3Wl
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzUhEsctNG
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dIvHokE33
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiHQpIoOSi
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfYjmIHOQY
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTtSiqUcW5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYM3STk93em
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgwfGLKgqF
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2z9fty0dzj
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL5P3cXCSz
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczkI5ZTY0a
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsBlSeDIBD
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3WrAcSjvz
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZpxZlPX87
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINhueThxio
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQOEyuhZXZ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRvNlrAjwU
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OLh3FqSpx
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9xzcyijzq
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoYzRDmA7s
我活該……我活該……我活該……246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9wK5zuzhD
246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRoTPdXfgE
我如此催眠自己。246Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATeFisLaoN
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.198da2
