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下班回家，淋浴。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETHfZsS9qu
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGmp6l9ddM
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89MH6iZRFh
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YffVuKRiF
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLGOKEpYEN
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7UQgi1ynS
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTToKsZ3AEV
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU6OmxIf7t
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhKG2RwaWU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6hfTmAWyf
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4Zh5jwmqd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2UYMcRO1f0
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRemGDsMy5v
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfug8neS05
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlCKiMha1x
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxvuzFzhh8
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkUp5XfRUi
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCaTw1990I5
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWU4bSM4lVu
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4I9Xjia3Cc
啪——啪——273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrzIc7BXNc
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNVpWaiIIE
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0v8tkE5mv
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjaPTgpy9tj
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlPGGGPkg6
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9dt914h6B
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYIuIqOR3v
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcOvMYMGrD
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLFDBSYVog
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ938BiScej6
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWO0fHjr9b
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo93rwBMNBS
算了吧。沒所謂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUvwSBWIik
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UKsK4XslK
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIX6o4xww8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIh2fKOOYC
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiVmiKtsU7
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFix5ndOS2m
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4He5etcR4m
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4f3DMOLmj
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnUcNsDaiJ
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHFZcj5NlZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC0vN5prTT
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCd3sS0jYrP
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgaQqf4nq6
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3ruLPAYBG
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0lWVLuWqR
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAb6Twngme
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bMJsFv1aw
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEpzzWbMec
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepub7Yqd9P
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7vumIbb7v
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwdujiiNA3
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRgsdmMy1P
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOdZLu6Nze
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDmWysVv8W
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3EsDbMXsS
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezHPXVvaHV
我頭也不回開門離家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQ91lMZxf4
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3608K06edt
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyW0ffTLkv
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJHzHspM2H
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQdWXmyHq5
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCECmjl0RgW
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEyq8wE5su
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQzEnJqbcD
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneNHhg16YV
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGC0PEjjmth
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhV4dQvSUfc
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrRxhBPvQu
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEGVXBmipe
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGAWeZmn9K
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGiLNV42Lj
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ivdRzYiNM
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJbgBzljhR
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk42rmnm0Oh
「你不開心？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyGo594PDW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEQo5hKUZh
「是的。但與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDieIFFrKw
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWEAU8gq6t
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BLCUf3ykd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkosj610vqZ
「還有菸嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54Zxrl70BE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoBIaFbfb6
「有。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVIcO6TqxA
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyK10lgyih
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUSFhLEG76
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcGKUo6FsK
「俊仔還好嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdFmAniA15
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EQk4yddsH
「與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQCfaLQ0Wv
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoujhEbKQZ
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZmjqroGQW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLeQddfxrn
我幽幽一笑。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TWLhWaYU4
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZ9OTjmiOg
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXC8dt03BIA
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgepsN5bty
「多少？我付！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoclAldrBW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUd7jqIZz2i
「五萬七千五百元。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbJSVCQ9tY
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEWgmgZJYS
「好！沒問題！小意思！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDd3UDbCnt5
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ap0L0ZS5y
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqfkYpuMcm
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvfpGFcchh
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CmY9Rvpwp
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1vDM2ZnQl
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA3RbHbFAs
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbq5EFPsIM
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEtgLyknKE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGfToqXseS
「阿顧，對不起。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jSfb6ADsa
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPxoq9dGOf
「道歉有屁用！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSxRou06Au
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBT8dJV4Gbs
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaENuyxeleq
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeVxlxNuyR
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogRfDqPCHd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXp4FapXQF8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMUNBAaf7L
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGpLBkyLLD
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1mP7oRddO
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡep9hdR7CcG
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Znesexbbq
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xdwV7XSQv
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KVbuBYAlD
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sztAOrviR
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NRz2awZxi
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEK46YfQJ9M
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4m7mSZPPfI
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYUfgzBH0C
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2xqeloFjd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY7CNohIl8
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXW03sNCDO
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5eximflr3
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluPjfqBNgL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvKUoh9mhI
我活該……我活該……我活該……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQpJ971FIF
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0NxWUuUqL
我如此催眠自己。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rIuuRiORI
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.25da2
