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下班回家，淋浴。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhVF6NUkq7
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zGmMDBv3P
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvWKL1mdAO
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPT709n46e
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YJstnbccu
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvg5xuKZQMI
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bRXW7A0Wh
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2XJg4koYQ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SFBtMTx45
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3rawwfFb6
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyK0h4LDOsd
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeH0EKcNSU
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvmo5t2Zwc
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5P2LkFmkL
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡker4Gy1NlI
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2etRKHBpl
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3pxscHww4
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsFarZ3JLv
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgr6MSqHuUF
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWwNTCghyB
啪——啪——212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4w1CnFFRv
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMjsR9D6tU
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuY1sBAmz5
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv93tm7vcHu
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpADsW7wD2
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTmG6x8MCJ
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNWfnfAMyJ
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0AlBfHn66
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ423MBHP3AL
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xHU1mPC73
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNmq1dsCMF
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaEl1ksZFW
算了吧。沒所謂。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdD5F9oPhZ
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFU5jLkKHn
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyMgy9S0IW
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxbKOeUcB5
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArHXl0o9Eq
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcCir2zRIT
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9JNWLs7Wd
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vXeEmpEQM
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNrPlV7qAw
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AgZKmEkE6
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3L7ZGgiJvu
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVghjSCyazt
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspUs8DlUxf
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EUYuPSgCv
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYcGDBxMsw
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmh0F9g8K6
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKjlnTTX9D
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnoXpjrZ8l
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbJmlw3abo
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzD75FRh3U
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQ8MCp6y77
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡda2vxqFhb8
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTN0To8RZw
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ehzSaDTbW
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGjR2nN8Ew
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILI4pb7xVZ
我頭也不回開門離家。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4buS4R0un
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMubs1fRGDy
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrhRqSLRTH
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAgvaGro8G
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLvvOED2gw
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIq2D4Eiln
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUMSj6SYMj
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Wjq21fyi7
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ydzEmV0LE
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgS3zQc3Ou
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDzZhp6Bo6
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNoF3UsqQD
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAtlhTGNx7
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5BcvHjSiP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rsTF5Auv1
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlgXHW39kI
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Oj4wx666C
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMgmqdRrrD
「你不開心？」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6NBwswukK
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1mA2vj7NN
「是的。但與你無關。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFH8hXsT0F
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoONVFeVRfq
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSO54jP7HAe
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoXrF4bQDN
「還有菸嗎？」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdauo7qy7lt
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHh6bj3v12
「有。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcnwE5V5UB
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUovO7rn20
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOaCtAIhBk
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTrRo7BuS2
「俊仔還好嗎？」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuOjJSLDL9
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDB6UgDno9
「與你無關。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvZqUTskBF
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8NhVfW4qV
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9JzE0k5v4
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQSte8CLBK
我幽幽一笑。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBh9I2u5tdW
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwSaosQLtA
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwSdhBsQQg
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHOxjDIEFX
「多少？我付！」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTLzjtYT0x
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEYUHGqKWR
「五萬七千五百元。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡomB3ZXt6uT
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWbNhvGaoL
「好！沒問題！小意思！」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIxxKf8tQc
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1roi19JgVK
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrlAsInVd9
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yPO4Td3i2
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfCFk0fE1i
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDdBWQO92H
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vvpS2xnsW
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLP5113ynfo
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gkXTdwsl4
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQ59Ff2dE2
「阿顧，對不起。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHtxTBmel9
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0Rmmb4Rhw
「道歉有屁用！」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnU564oG3W
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMQykCDoM1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1qEk3nWpE
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCILN6zVS5
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLOpYvQFa0
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwf94ZFWrh6
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGZ6sLs9oY
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkXEAO2n5F
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwNvUF4Ujj
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrU1idNlCW
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabV5cmjuHe
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfTLkqTT6s
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0ThxUqPaL
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYy0Lwplx1
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrpciWpNpc
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ijCAZcyHk
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LUuQHW9Kc
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB51KNqkRWI
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjlUR4FKAp
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzb725KwJAA
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSihiPOfEo
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gADr9oK2p
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD67jHdC4MB
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZoGoCs10C
我活該……我活該……我活該……212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhFG7lz5Lx
212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUG6zzSawD5
我如此催眠自己。212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywU7liy1pn
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.15.34.191da2
