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下班回家，淋浴。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSo9y2etV2
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXm9a77lQpg
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkiDHtnz2z
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TZXRjcleu
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOrs6acxAS
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXD8jhRB2M
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSJ7zngTkB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4zeoMve2U
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHaBcZ06rL
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9ldADgQcU
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKLaUr4ney
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YshDSD3mj
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpIvOLYfSL
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PSz8tCuDk
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmW4LibNp0a
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTCyBocD6o
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRPzLSHJGa
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5d6iG6jRvr
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWVxScjqZf
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0XKHnnKbr
啪——啪——442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjLxuFyJEN
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTxImh3dsZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1hWXisJFg
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkpKnaauR8
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7v6xSLKest
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDT8MXCAey
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeluE52vNY
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yoCtiUP0v
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFai7cPaKv
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmNu0u4Hke
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOb3dn1ihT
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjmrJU5hMS
算了吧。沒所謂。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrOPCjrbTJ
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDEUHO4iuu
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqXltUQX0t
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgJ5dHc8rM
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXVkIAQ7Q0
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwavLbsVTU
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQyDQz2Try
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtLdQVGvMm
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCd82KJDbB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GtakYr3iz
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSgFyKQpgt
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMrncdEbzJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AvyjXXosZ
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7gEQ5Zutr
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwApbKFHYE
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSF3KtxgqxP
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs63OXe6FMa
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdN7VCKlF1
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75OFFoJwjq
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHwHcJD7S7
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCcbnb5R7j
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKXZFNMPTD
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGS4MUMS1C
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvqlvFy4AS
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppxIRjK1iC
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHFnI7vDtw
我頭也不回開門離家。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWHvc8JfFK
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfshVIgYbjX
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBl1L2P11v
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqrAFciKyM
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCjvJautHj
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPZsEfoGKY
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NWLDxfbaB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tn2zRjzLx
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBK80QtdEyG
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLKYv4hjgw
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXWFWjJTYb
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFj3ry5wNV
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3r7zLlnuK
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3TICYvwAW
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXfjY9rtYy
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdADB7jpHF
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZSClwEGST
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0lkDorOEy
「你不開心？」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXotlu6F1i
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUJ2eImVCf
「是的。但與你無關。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOYsq2tHO1
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEXWwXtwZl
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvHh4e5cFh
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsYcR5XA5O
「還有菸嗎？」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbUFsv1xHz
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zJ8p0fHYy
「有。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytoeSyeIOB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5z2ULAbWW
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQ6UY9YVit
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlW4taTnOl
「俊仔還好嗎？」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZ4A149QId
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBMPL9gU99
「與你無關。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2Rh58FzcB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNr58TEUaY5
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2PqosHq4r
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2inuq0MQQ
我幽幽一笑。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrfMkDbDys
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX94IjsOT44
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MzUeXyvsB
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2P0AlxXvfk
「多少？我付！」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWy7Gfi0YC
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Gti48G78i
「五萬七千五百元。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYNWeBwQy7
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56cMpCRUJe
「好！沒問題！小意思！」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNED83V8CTm
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2yGlwsUH1
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoxmVzQitk
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZesgsGv4j
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Ncuq6iEgX
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkQAiFqhvs
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYcyruRobw
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgw4f26l0h
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAmYZVIDQP
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYCuc9KH6F
「阿顧，對不起。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6SF6BKXoW
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7x3WdNxQru
「道歉有屁用！」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy452l1xqcE
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsu5cEnAKxl
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9yMbjiEu5
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUQnoTNVMf
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRzCKYwJlL
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhJ9VyR11V
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMp4396ob0a
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KKSDx4vWr
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRS2s1ahGng
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pa2rzxgwM
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4nXm1K8Bq
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiVqjuffU8
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftX6pWUbcC
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhB3CREotRK
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6E1Ti31qLP
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9rzRyQQqT
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLj5kP3jmSm
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdhvYC6MmS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRG6sYA7jH
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86FEx5pSxE
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EDfDrEtDX
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZ8yH7Sh4i
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnS0PwkNULz
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZjBNb3mkV
我活該……我活該……我活該……442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkkKW6sneo
442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvViNTaWnL
我如此催眠自己。442Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRnypESxAF
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.112da2
