x
下班回家，淋浴。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3wZ1y6FUE
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXasF8ZTE4y
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4ILWvlQLV
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9M6hx64gis
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0dqfoH0fa
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOzL1Rj3Pl
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMC5BfxbNH
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSiXLh78Gd
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5L2p6LOyVt
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXGYgXwlGt
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jaYfYLDdu
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7q0tbjvwDK
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVXnzcdLZW
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuT0EtPy1t
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCZKVdTfe3
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUP0xwZUscb
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIV3k67Ykk
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHVN9UDSif
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw2ukO2jec
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66n7vqMyOx
啪——啪——392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlSfbPns2R
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRFYYUlnIq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwr3CnMS1Hj
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkb39tFVON
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfg3ergrdqF
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MQVSQsLBi
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9RmL1gHJn
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFnzcT0W2L
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo4GNcFEiG
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRJUCY8aS4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh70cLzd8uX
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOhlUmD2ep
算了吧。沒所謂。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQMIyAmkSe
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbeSyDSNWc
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6d223yXsgc
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBDUkWHgr2
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlg3pzyjsL
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlwgzMHjH5
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gie33UZGP
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUnfeU3iRs
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJki1fd5hm
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZyWkSs8v6
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbJKkASJSG
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKERhK1zAb6
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHy1Wr9tsS
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtkoAgu1O1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBR3Kh6WU3s
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFi2s5k50Mu
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34vYJ8mDsB
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78TOs5I1zE
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMHbiV0Lf1
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5ogr3EWMn
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Dp8lb10O1
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMewGHsq5Q
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSzW6JqRdE
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUmvSSc6vp
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQq332APHJG
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQv4g26bA3
我頭也不回開門離家。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4H4er1Xg2
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCK3fVgruc
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAvWk2Ihsg
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ps9NVD3iR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡln3rlkThRZ
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2T9SCSO7Ex
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8agOBBYOVt
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡii88o17Rzg
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqV2fcHsbM4
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlt9aL5YCDi
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwGTlYDxBV
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GY4QvSgtF
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcs67mgREKs
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCZLVUsbBV
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt06dzA4VLy
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡke7auWSLwI
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgl6qYnAj30
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGofd3Tlg0
「你不開心？」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEspTsXcQES
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAnl8qUdVG
「是的。但與你無關。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMPIuESYX4
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSE6uUraG6
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4QHr7mZbF
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCQNUZafZv
「還有菸嗎？」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIm3LZ5rl2z
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTBimyg4bj
「有。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILArZr7zAM
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZGwMr0zGI
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3w2PH7GCHG
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCCmoYZbVv
「俊仔還好嗎？」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5NC1iHb43
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMFuWlBFef
「與你無關。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOpzHEcEhK
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdri2mG3pM
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5xrW9X678
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnuMzSKckZ
我幽幽一笑。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01dGig4wWF
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIX3gSahCFU
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJG1oMUldV
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9p1l4JeTf
「多少？我付！」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeYBRKxb56
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyl6wYVs3G
「五萬七千五百元。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BjYHBHYFY
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cNxydgbrR
「好！沒問題！小意思！」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HaMhGJxhz
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZGYoTsgmM
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnSf9Rvh0I
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wbJBYS2bJ
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9psTgKYFS
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPVh0CC1ZG
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVVO2pZuBP
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtCd9PWAj6
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKyTkMroPV
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQC7oowusFk
「阿顧，對不起。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHHBDsdERL
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGs4jEnA8x
「道歉有屁用！」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiUHOSwc9h
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrgA0WLn2l
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ndbi4L3QF
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0SPnqSgtv
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvid2iOMjD
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjLcDK8Nbm
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQBVoatsz4
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvJStifubo
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡos1LFkKSHZ
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVvS9AthSw
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6LgT33StK
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rvAnSXM7f
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTVdf7RseY
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkpdj3LYAW
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jGcU7xCRA
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo09CnzBbuY
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZBPCsActO
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNP7eOEoEGr
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfi1s5rRUk
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSokLhjLTTm
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i6LpnRE8n
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpJwLmHYMp
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBIn6XMFzz
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UWRLkUnPl
我活該……我活該……我活該……392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Q766J5cJq
392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGvgG1nsS0
我如此催眠自己。392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrO6aEam5L
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns18.218.72.204da2
