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下班回家，淋浴。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIyq6wmnhb
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmgKg67UFq
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5490IhtEba
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluafGXdNu9
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf00hTmBBsb
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8mzI9rS22
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGE0q42lRls
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKip8XfxVJx
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckY0nXx1eO
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bj9DO5Q1T
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISyJvitgGx
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdcqkr781j
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUj34bIzfce
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddDP3XnPkG
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImfTV59tg0
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qqWpPuvY5
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVcJxoeLfo
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEMCLS6Xo6
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnzjWjsYT3
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1781tpkP5M
啪——啪——474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08w6BpGrzS
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfPwvMOOvW
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJozevgU5kj
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsskJoz0cL
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD87yDFPNV
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDbmAitY4A
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVhi2qNKRk
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEZnhuQiGn
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPpFVDP3Jr
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTI2Ga52IjZ
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8NUqBh1QV
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOkMbaqsVs
算了吧。沒所謂。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVBLkfEPPa
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmLbfpyRhT
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCMaPpnyWk
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKyN4pVDv1
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw62pxqRV5k
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3TmlihjEg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6I6ym0YD0K
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM93WM37eTa
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmzFCuuLie
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VagSOXSGN
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYj7VXkHi9
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDPO0WIAdl
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzfe417Ryw
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9t0dqtO4D
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkCjnzwDF7
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNAg7ZZDegc
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AdYHTjxPY
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTLn1w99tb
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQUBMWXe59
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLoV85zgX30
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKpft2rI9I
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOz01e2MAXc
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAyz2cZv0y
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyRRBDDPff
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IrpvDzi99
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmw9My5Pch
我頭也不回開門離家。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpBWCHONSJ
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqxqjOmOeF
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpW8XM7eYt
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcHQky1fGs
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm059uOTxjP
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoEABOkfq6
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnoPuUXlqc
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0aDKNV78DC
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9XxrsIu6d
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47TPBhex0X
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFt2I1ILDL
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jHfIoO8R8
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANqRwVYuZT
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8eVV7dRQz
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUZIu6E7e5
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCEHTTcDYN
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCYyQ2z9kB
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZqjSCi1at
「你不開心？」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8hfV4w0p4
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qXjCtsgMe
「是的。但與你無關。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSULTYbXDd
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF30EAZIymu
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmLy8b9QTj
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJOtZunEt2
「還有菸嗎？」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhYkb5VfAN
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pE2akpMV0
「有。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktasQ9eOpz
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTCeGJaGJp
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSM269rc7LN
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjedfVupY3
「俊仔還好嗎？」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dvd13xYXo
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65fL58v3Xa
「與你無關。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNb5QtGSwJ
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aVTdgqfgn
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWS9FjJDfl
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkHkKR02ox
我幽幽一笑。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGkfYnigVA
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dk28DEejY
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUhIWNczlc
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaHHkU7rz9
「多少？我付！」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgSxkGRQNw
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NNMblynhs
「五萬七千五百元。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzRqaB2wZp
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SNIc0ziUv
「好！沒問題！小意思！」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyafZvlYs5
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbs4PQ7FKn
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiAPTmOFJy
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYo2ID744t
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBpmNimXjm
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPs47Q0Dt8
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQC7gRWrRPs
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6OqHITMwe
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUBOoLjlWS
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtywhXxdjQ
「阿顧，對不起。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyN0RQUGZK
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQUztIXJdK
「道歉有屁用！」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBtErYzVog
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1mFjwzEFg
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpOfolqNT2
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3swpztyod9
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4mR69pmDp
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJxZCKfC2u
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ub5wSM2Wp
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNc0T29P2E
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIMuN23mbb
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JQwPRH2f0
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4Dka4ZtGi
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigdfFHuEIL
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCU9yNMNMb
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1aouVmJ8h
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNEA9zME3P
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwovsScnW2e
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNhVrKj0dQ
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFuNblRNRR
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNckeOpdse
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSEVQIBnlP
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXx0DoLqiQ8
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxNjm4CMj6
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo34PMXEv7o
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUV4dJmmfOU
我活該……我活該……我活該……474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RczHe4bXZ
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9zF4Vfo21
我如此催眠自己。474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8P8El0if6
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.25da2
