Letters at the Door Part Four
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/Erin/
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Something about the way she was writing bugged me it felt so distant and disconnected. So u took another leap of courage because of her and I opened the door to pull her inside. She struggled to smile but I could see something was weighing in her heavily. I made small talk as I guided her into my home trying to pry the information out of her. She made jokes and avoid the question but I was persistently eager to understand why she felt so distant right now with me, I thought we were friends and fine now.
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Erin; " Please talk to me, Kayla you seem so distant with me all the sudden."
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Kayla; " umm well like after that day you got sick and you told me all those things. Well, it had me thinking a lot and I just got a weird feeling earlier when you started talking about how you met your ex... It's not a big deal I just got weird you know."
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Erin; " Thinking about what.?"
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Kayla; " We'll what it would be like more or less. I mean I'm straight and we are friends but it's weird and difficult to explain. But what you said made me feel different than anyone I dated and I don't know I'm just being strange."
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Erin; " I think I understand now, and that feeling you felt was jealousy. "
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Kayla; " Ha why would that be...."
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I wonder how many people borrowed too much from the world or fate. Because I have used so much courage lately that I think I will have to pay the price sometime but right now the way she's looking at me I couldn't stop myself. My courage just spiked and I took the chance to confirm what I believed she was saying so I kissed her. She returned the kiss and It felt so perfect but after some time she finally pulled away, a look of pure shock at what just happened. The look that she now understands what she's feeling when she thinks of me, I could see it all processing. But I didn't get to ask or speak she bolted out of my home and I was desperately biting back my sadness.
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I had crossed a line that was drawn between us already the kiss felt so right but I took advantage of her. I feel so disgusted with my actions I wish I could take it back every bit of what I just did. Everything I want is difficult to reach and painful to watch turn me away, but I guess I'm full of bad ideas. Later that night my thoughts battered my mind as I couldn't stop every negative thought from rushing in. The rain outside poured heavily and I finally decided to leave my home this late at night seeking her out once again. Everything is screaming this is a bad idea but I need someone, well anyone but I know where I was going.
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Amy wouldn't be there anymore but I could walk around till I found her I still remember the steps to her old home. Through the rain I walked as I felt the weight of my choices tonight weigh me down, Kayla won't forgive me for this. I should not have been greedy or desperate but the moment I sense hope in something I latch onto it.
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Amy; " Erin what are you doing out this late in the rain."
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I didn't even notice her I was consumed by the thoughts I couldn't escape. I guess she still uses this store which means she must live in the area still, I don't know why but I came seeking her. She took me by the hand leading me down the street with an umbrella held up above us both. This was the side of her I fell in love with the way she easily cares for me and makes it feel genuine. Eventually, I found myself inside that old familiar house of hers, bad memories and good came back to me. Walking through this place I half expected our pictures to have been removed but every picture is where I remember it being.
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Erin; " You kept them."
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Amy; "Here's a towel dry yourself off and tell me what happened. You could get sick doing stuff like that."
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There it is again that side of hers that I latched on to she truly cared about me, so why did it go wrong. Am I defective and just can't keep a single good thing be it, friend or lover.
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Amy; " I kept them as a reminder of what I lost... I couldn't forgive myself so I wanted to live with the reminder. Self-torture I guess."
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Erin; " Why Amy....You could have moved on, you shouldn't have lived like this."
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Amy; " Come on sit tell me what's going on, that was dangerous you know so I except a proper explanation."
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Erin; " I kissed a friend on impulse and I thought it was my courage but maybe I was wrong. I listened to her but for some reason, I was so convinced that was the right thing to do. But she ran away without a word and I feel so awful, am I a terrible person. Amy be honest am I just not a good person?"
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Amy; " stop you do that a lot and I know you well enough that you let words cloud your mind. Don't tear yourself down like that, she didn't say anything so maybe give her time to process. If nothing else I'm sure she will contact you when she sorts it all out."
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Erin; " I just feel so pathetic here I am with my ex who I just told about a kiss gone wrong. Is something wrong with me."
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Amy; " The ex has a name and it's Amy, nothings wrong with you. But You should stay here tonight and leave in the morning so get some sleep, Erin."
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She didn't even let me say anything else she just told me to use the bed and left to go sleep in the other room. I feel like I'm making a mess of things but what do I do when I can't shut off my own mind that plagues me. I wanna apologize to Kayla above all else, I'm sure somethings wrong with me it has to be.
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