文: 譚嘉燕 FB PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/katetam1228/
珍如就是一個習慣事後孔明的人,每天大部分時間都活在懊悔之中。她習慣不斷回想過去,回想「過去中的她」有多糟糕,所以「現在」才會不是她期望中的那樣子。她會猜想當初應該要怎樣做才可更好、才可以沒有出錯,她慣性不斷幻想另一選擇的人生會比較合心意及圓滿。330Please respect copyright.PENANAQLtaTMUrL4
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「當時我不應該這樣做的,應該要想到其他做法才對。」330Please respect copyright.PENANA1L2Ml9Suvf
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「早知道我就不這樣說了,如果我就能再表達得更好就好了。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAsPIOJaLoyM
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「如果出門前我有帶傘就好了,現在就不用停滯在商場內了。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAaNNx4i3mzO
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「啊,如果我能在之前就做好決定就好了,現在時間愈久,愈拖就愈膽怯,也愈來愈多憂慮,更躊躇不前。」330Please respect copyright.PENANA8pVDKc0Hwt
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「櫻桃口味的煎餅好難吃,早知道我就點巧克力口味啦。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAeoDeCComyX
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「好像還是黑色皮帶比較美,早知道我就買黑色皮帶的手錶了。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAw2LVvQI1aV
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「如果我作了另一個抉擇,一定會比現在快樂。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAFbVCRCJNUD
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今天晚上,珍如又和老公吵架了,任她費盡唇舌,她也不能令他明白多一點她的心思意念。330Please respect copyright.PENANA69z6RmGCDk
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每次吵架過後,她無處可逃時,都會躲進樓下24小時開放的快餐店內,一直待到早上,等老公上班和公婆出門喝早茶後才甘心回家。330Please respect copyright.PENANAs7QCRWU3WL
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黑夜時份,反而是快餐店內最熱鬧的時候,這裡容納著每個不願進睡、不捨入睡、滿懷煩惱、心裡寂寞的人們。330Please respect copyright.PENANAdrDufV1yob
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燈光昏暗的快餐店,在夜裡有種迷幻的情調。330Please respect copyright.PENANAFaAPPxEQrr
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珍如穿著短T恤、短褲,腳上踏著拖鞋,一身輕便又破舊的家居服,拖著疲憊的身驅走了進去,點了一個蘋果批就坐下來開始發呆。330Please respect copyright.PENANAIvAB04ACKo
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被捨棄了的人生決定通常都會很像鬼魅,常常在脆弱的黑夜裡冷不防就出來徘徊一下下。雖然所有人生處境和細節都不會完美,但活在另一個人生決定裡的自己會是怎麼樣的呢……330Please respect copyright.PENANAdZgIjBk5Lr
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珍如以寂靜的眼神望著坐在對面桌子的年輕女生,她大慨是中三、中四的年紀吧。330Please respect copyright.PENANAGbCd5kv1RW
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「年輕真好。」珍如大口嚼著蘋果批,心裡慨嘆著。330Please respect copyright.PENANAPOecGJYoga
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珍如今年29歲,結婚快6年,也意味她過了6年當家庭主婦的日子。她沒有兒女,但老公非常大男人主義,他要求珍如婚後就要全心全意把家庭照顧好,他們也一定要和公婆同住。所以就算不用照顧小孩,但還有兩個比小孩更難服侍的老爺和奶奶在家,珍如更加覺得自己失去了自由。330Please respect copyright.PENANArAKGKrlnir
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剛開始婚姻生活的頭一年,珍如還是覺得非常甜蜜,她的老公還是會細心對待她,和公婆相處也算融洽,但從婚後第二年,珍如經歷了小產過後,一切都改變了。330Please respect copyright.PENANAoVWtjTBxmz
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但她還能怎樣呢?珍如已經6年沒有接觸社會,她也沒有獨立的經濟能力,就算她有大學學歷,她還可以填回空白的部分,同時重新過她的人生嗎?330Please respect copyright.PENANAbncCuEXnkz
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「早知道我就不跟他結婚了,現在的他超惹我討厭的,整個人都變成另一人似的,我後悔了啦。」珍如雙手掩臉,雙眼開始水盈盈。330Please respect copyright.PENANAxn3KPZVt9R
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如果她當初沒有選擇結婚,沒有一時意亂情迷就敗在男人手上,她應該會當上老師吧?這是她一直以來的心願和夢想,但就在畢業的那一年,她遇上了她現在的老公——浩華。他們突然急速陷入暴風似的熱戀之中,當時的珍如,甘願為他放棄自己的夢想來換取婚姻。那時他們只交往四個多月,珍如現在回想起,當時的她,根本沒有真正認識過浩華。330Please respect copyright.PENANAC9CIIyUGcq
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同時,她還放棄了她交往了5年的初戀男友——阿遙。而3年前,珍如得知阿遙遇上意外過世的悲痛消息,自此之後,珍如更加厭惡她的家庭及人生。如果那時選擇了阿遙,和阿遙走到最後,說不定還比較幸福吧,他一直都是一個溫柔,又懂得遷就她壞脾氣的男人。330Please respect copyright.PENANAQI8XOhoQDI
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現在,珍如露出可憐兮兮的樣子。330Please respect copyright.PENANARdDokqrDIE
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「珍如,是妳嗎?」330Please respect copyright.PENANAq5aKChSinR
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快餐店的嘈雜聲彷彿被吸進另一世界裡,空氣變得好像靜止了。330Please respect copyright.PENANAss2SosNWsK
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聽到有人喚著自己的名字,珍如轉過身來。站在她旁邊的,是不可能在此時出現的阿遙。330Please respect copyright.PENANAg4QNBhhIF5
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多年不見,阿遙現在的容貌比珍如印象中成熟及老成許多,肩膀也厚實了。但他還是喜歡在右耳上配戴黑色寶石耳環。330Please respect copyright.PENANAO5YrH9qb7f
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珍如瞪大烏溜溜的雙眼,怔怔看著阿遙,喉嚨發不出一絲聲音。她曾經去阿遙的墓碑前「探望」過他,那張黑白照片,還有相中人的笑容仍然深刻她的內心,而現在,她看見活生生的他在眼前出現……330Please respect copyright.PENANA4ujbMbMhrv
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「我果然沒有認錯人,雖然好久不見,但珍如還是同一個樣子,沒有很大的改變啊。」阿遙的笑容仍然非常溫暖人心。330Please respect copyright.PENANAO805ZpmX3v
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珍如盡量維持平靜的表情,但內心激動不已。她是否已經神志錯亂?她已經發瘋了?同時她也尷尬不已,她一身隨便得有點失禮的家居服,加上她糟糕到極的人生,讓她羞愧得想找個地洞跳進去。330Please respect copyright.PENANANwyDah17xS
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「是……是我沒錯啊。」珍如不敢再直視阿遙,眼神只能落在他耳珠上的黑寶石耳環,身體微微抖震。330Please respect copyright.PENANAnCzCUZqodp
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珍如覺得寶石剌眼的光芒很令人感到煩躁和心痛。330Please respect copyright.PENANAW8I3dkN2vp
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阿遙在珍如身邊坐下後,她嗅到他身上像牛奶糖般的味道,是她曾經熟悉過、感到安全感的氣味。珍如覺得胸口有股快要爆炸的灼熱感覺,這一切到底是什麼一回事?330Please respect copyright.PENANAfAmgf9lLgO
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阿遙積極地想要了解珍如的現況,但珍如只有面露難色。330Please respect copyright.PENANA9myn75CYWl
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「啊,對不起。」阿遙搔搔頭。330Please respect copyright.PENANAKN9iNTzjef
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「沒關係啊,你不用和我道歉。」330Please respect copyright.PENANAbUAa7sGKCi
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「也是,道歉只會顯得太過假惺惺吧。」330Please respect copyright.PENANACuGMKd9RRb
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「咦?」珍如露出不解的表情,該道歉的,不是她嗎?330Please respect copyright.PENANAStHG3UiZLa
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「妳一直都對我很專一,但3年前我竟然愛上別的女人,背叛了妳,讓妳傷心了。離婚後我都不敢再打探妳的消息,但我一直都真心希望妳能再遇到一個好男人,過得比以前幸福。」阿遙說出珍如聽不明白的話,但神情無比認真。330Please respect copyright.PENANAbpi2SaFvhM
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阿遙沒死,浩華沒有在我生命中出現過,我和阿遙在後來的日子中理所當然地結婚了,但我們卻……沒有永遠都過著幸福甜蜜的家庭生活嗎?這是另一個世界的場境嗎?是否因為在這個世界裡她當了壞人,在另一世界的她就要受到同樣的懲罰?330Please respect copyright.PENANAVd80PdKpGI
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雖然如此,但阿遙在另一世界並沒有死去,也安然生存著,還是一件令珍如感到欣慰和心滿意足的事。330Please respect copyright.PENANAH2GselYY1Y
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「能和你再遇見,我覺得……現在很幸福啊。」珍如忍住快要奪框而出的淚水。她猜阿遙應該覺得她在語無倫次吧。330Please respect copyright.PENANAbFwFTFhRrB
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「什麼?妳不要開玩笑了啦,妳恨不得我消失吧。」阿遙哈哈大笑地揮揮手。330Please respect copyright.PENANAvFrvLw28en
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珍如不知還能說些什麼,只是隨心底的渴望給了阿遙一個懷抱,久久沒有放開過。330Please respect copyright.PENANAPmQ4lYtYWH
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另一邊廂,到了早上時份,在偌大的辦公室內,穿著高級白色套裝、臉上施著薄妝的珍如,重重地吐氣,如適重負地把身體往後躺,讓自己完全放鬆地倚靠著椅背。330Please respect copyright.PENANAIrs2ZtuoFB
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坐在她對面的,是城內一位最火紅、最權威性的算命大師。330Please respect copyright.PENANArmGnfDUfmQ
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年近半百的算命老師笑問:「怎樣?昨晚嘗試了另一人生的苦痛滋味,也再窺探了另一個自以為是夢想中的生活,感覺怎樣?」330Please respect copyright.PENANAYAZjVUJbev
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「謝謝你的神秘力量,讓我發現現在這個人生,是我最喜歡的。最喜歡最喜歡,抉擇原來沒有之一。」仍然單身的珍如露出甜美、燦爛的笑容。330Please respect copyright.PENANAVuU4mf4Z9z
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還好她當初還是因為內疚而同時放棄了浩華和阿遙。330Please respect copyright.PENANAhXnRFwwXuc
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之後的她,果斷地踏上教師之路,一步一步完成她的夢想。現在的她,當上了城中補習名校的當紅教師,事業攀上高峰,但因與男明星正在傳出緋聞,現在她的每個行為舉止都會成為城中熱話。330Please respect copyright.PENANAem21F93DzG
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當中她會有遇上人事上的挫敗、對教學失去熱誠之時,單身的她回到空無一人的家裡,背負著沉重的事業壓力,那她就會開始猜想,如果當初她選擇步入婚姻,有男人疼愛的她會否過得比較輕鬆和快樂?330Please respect copyright.PENANA0k62wcxo92
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她沒有想到,當初浪漫又會甜言蜜語的浩華讓她後來的人生過得這麼苦,阿遙更在那個世界中死去;而原來就算她沒有在畢業時因浩華放棄阿遙,和阿遙結婚後的甜蜜生活也沒有維持很長久,他們還是不能安然走到人生的最後,命運還是讓他們分道揚鑣了。330Please respect copyright.PENANAuAGKdpSpf8
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「擁有」和「遺憾」好像雙生兒,而人,只能一直往前走。每個人都有自己的路要走,那條獨特的路程,只有此時此刻的自己能走吧?我們都只能擁有現在、那唯一的自己。330Please respect copyright.PENANASQcF8KQQRw
文: 譚嘉燕 FB PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/katetam1228/330Please respect copyright.PENANAtTekqTaLak