回到我的臥房,其實也意味著與那間「房間」的暫時離別。
雖然只是隔著一扇門,我卻像完成了一場長征。
離別總是令人感慨的,不管那扇門後藏的是什麼。這讓我不由得想起一個人──那個學姐。
我們真正說過話的次數,用手指都數得出來,但她卻在我腦海裡留下比某些朝夕相處的人還深刻的印象。她好像永遠不在主流裡,大家都說她怪怪的,但我覺得她像是一個本色演出的影后,而我是茫茫人海中的臨演。
她現在還是被別人當作異類嗎?還是變得跟大家一樣「正常」了?……我竟然用了「變得」這個詞。好像「正常」是一種提升。可我從來沒覺得自己「變正常了」,會這樣覺得的,大概只有那些站在岸邊看著我努力划水的人。
總之,我想找她。想知道她現在怎麼樣。如果她過得不好,我會替她難過嗎?如果她過得很好,我有辦法由衷地感到開心嗎?說實話,我也不知道,我只知道──我很好奇。
但我沒有她的聯絡方式。我打開 Facebook,搜尋她的中文名字。跑出來一排濾鏡厚重的網美照──嗯……應該不是。我換成她的英文名字,蹦出一個看起來是外國背包客的帳號。我猶豫了一下,還是關掉了視窗。就算學姐真的換了長相,也不可能變成金髮碧眼的歐美人吧。
不想透過共同朋友找她,不是因為怕尷尬或起鬨,而是因為我知道,我們的世界,是旁人不會理解的某種詭異。
突然,我想起來,曾經我們有過一堂不重要的選修課同組。有多不重要呢?不重要到整學期只有第一次見到對方。
但我們好像有加過 LINE?遲疑地打開聯絡人列表,輸入印象中的暱稱與對話紀錄──「沒有成員」。果然。
那瞬間,我有種感覺。她不是離開,是有意地與這個世界切斷了某些連結。我繼續找她,真的好嗎?但我還是繼續了。自私如我,總希望能抓住一點過去的真實。
我翻開 Google Drive,那份四年前的共同作業果然還在。
《論建築倫理》。
我先對所有建築倫理老師道個歉,不是說這門課不重要,只是它在主修課裡出現的頻率真的太高,看到這四個字已經條件反射地想打呵欠。
我點開檔案,出現一個熟悉又陌生的帳號:「nee.tan」。……泥炭?我忍住吐槽的衝動。畢竟我也不是什麼取名高手。
我盯著那個帳號看了很久。到底該不該寄信?該說什麼?
『學姐您好,我是當初在建築倫理……』太像詐騙。
『哈囉呀,泥炭學姐,在嗎?』怎麼看都不會有人想回。
想了很久,我還是只寫了一句:
「怎麼辦,學姐,我沒辦法做屬於我自己的正常人。」
傳送鍵按下的那一刻,我才忽然注意到一個細節。
她的中文名字,就寫在檔案的標籤裡——叫做「小欸」。
nee.tan,原來是「ねえたん」的日文羅馬拼音,不是什麼地質泥炭,是日文直譯的「小欸」。
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還好,我沒叫她泥炭學姐。
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