我最終還是走進房間了。
不是因為決心,也不是因為解脫。
我只是突然對那本遺忘內容的日記感到好奇。就像路過廢墟時,人總是忍不住往裡面瞧一眼。
我空著手走進去,無視了那袋「備著的物品」好奇的目光,它們像是房間裡的鄰居,早就搬進來了,只是一直等著我這個房東簽字確認它們的存在。
我邊走邊想,如果我是導演,這時該來一個特寫,拍下我推門時從容的神情。
但實際上,那份從容不過是種誤會。
我帶著像是長官視察的步伐走進去,心裡卻像是被傳喚進董事長辦公室的保安——
只因為他被發現挪用公款買了烤肉用炭。
誰知道呢?搞不好那包炭就是日記董事長的女兒,現在來質問我為什麼一有什麼目的,難道圖謀不軌?
不得不說能成為董事長的人還是有眼光的。
不過我沒理會這些幻想劇情。我坐了下來,翻開了那本日記。
嗯,不疾不徐地翻開了它,畢竟它又不會發現我顫抖的雙手。
「啊……」
日記掉下去了。
那瞬間,不只日記意識到了我的失態,整個房間彷彿也突然有了耳朵、鼻子、眼睛,甚至指甲都在抓癢。
那片刻的沉默裡,我彷彿聽見了房間在說:「你終於回來了喔。」
真是的,我只是手滑,又不是演出團聚戲碼。
我撿起日記,坐在行李箱上繼續看。這個姿勢我小時候練過,叫「逃家失敗式坐姿」,很穩。無他,惟手熟爾。
日記的開頭是我快樂的童年。
當然了,所有人的童年都快樂,因為不快樂的人會主動遺忘那段日子,只有快樂的還會留在筆記裡。
寫的是我小時候怎麼偷偷跑去樓下撿蝸牛,還想開一間蝸牛訓練學院,學費是蘿蔔葉一根。
真有創業精神呀。那時候的我,一心想成為蝸牛界的黃仁勳。
都說成歲月催人老,但是老了不是該隨心所欲不瑜矩嗎?至聖先師騙我?24Please respect copyright.PENANACuNj2I5GNq
算了,這不重要。
繼續翻,到了青春期,我變得很叛逆。
不,是求救。
寫日記的我好像在對未來的我發訊號,偷偷藏在字裡行間的錯字、塗改痕跡,甚至是某一頁沒有日期的篇章,都像在說:「快救我。」
可是現在的我看來,那些掙扎也不過就是任性罷了。
就像我現在看昨天的自己,也會覺得太情緒化。
那我怎麼知道今天的我,不也是明天的我眼中的情緒勒索犯?
我翻到了高中那幾頁。
寫得不多,只說「學會了怎麼討人喜歡」。
不記得我當時的目的是什麼了,只知道我變得很好笑、很好聊、很好帶、很好約。
一整個「好」字輩的存在。
然後回到家裡,就躲進房間的棉被裡補充能量,像某種會自己充電的社交電池。
直到有一天,日記寫著我大學第一年的某個下午。
我記得那天下午的陽光不是很刺眼,但很熱,像是懶洋洋地靠著你不走的那種人。
我站在校園的操場邊,不知道在想什麼。
有個學姐經過,拍了我一下肩膀。
她說:「嘿,你不必表現得像其他人一樣,每個人都是『正常』的。」
我當下楞了一下,覺得這句話怪的。
等我轉過頭想問她是什麼意思時,我已經被其他學長姐拉走了。
他們低聲說:「不要理她,她有點『不正常』。」
我站在那裡,突然很想知道「正常」的定義是什麼。
正常是指會笑嗎?還是會寫功課?還是買炭的時候會附帶買一些吐司和烤肉醬?
我開始想,那些告訴我不要和她靠近的人,是不是也曾在某一刻想過要靠近她。
日記,寫到這裡就斷了。
後面幾頁是空白的。彷彿我那時候原本以為還會繼續活著,還會繼續記錄。但後來發現,人生好像不是用來記錄的,是用來撐過去的。
我闔上日記,眼前的房間像一個巨大的舊舞台,這場戲只演了一半,觀眾卻已經散場。
我收起日記,把它塞回抽屜最深處——不是逃避,只是……
我突然發現,我不是為了整理才走進這個房間的。
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我是來打招呼的。和過去的我。
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