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赤羽業一如往常的沖泡咖啡加奶精加糖,他慣於在這時候放空腦袋休息,即便是在這時候,他依然如此。56Please respect copyright.PENANAAmtbTUaUlf
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攪拌咖啡時他看見自己的倒影迴轉在波紋中,意外的竟可以清晰反射出他面部的表情,是一個相當平靜的情緒,他本以為自己會是一副靜靜發著怒火的神情,然而,事實並非如此。56Please respect copyright.PENANALJYE6xinol
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和表情同樣,他的內心此刻也靜謐的像火種熄滅似的,只有一縷青煙騰空散去。56Please respect copyright.PENANASFH6kO3vsp
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他不禁想,自己比起中學時候確實是成熟了些——尤其在看到娛樂版頭條醒目的標語之後,還能做些和普通日常無異的行為,而不是在那裡懊惱與憤恨——自己單戀了十幾年的人和當紅女明星傳出緋聞,作為證據,報導還放上兩人前往某溫泉旅館時的同遊照片。56Please respect copyright.PENANA4u0CHAnwMI
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赤羽業啜飲著咖啡醒腦,明天他有一場重要的議會質詢,為了這場質詢,他能掌握的資料都已經準備妥當,務必成功達陣。56Please respect copyright.PENANAgrtSTdpEIT
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在迅速打著資料重點時,赤羽業想起以前看過的動畫,裡面一句台詞就是在說明成熟與不成熟的差異,成熟的人接受事實不再反抗,不成熟的人則繼續頑強抵抗。56Please respect copyright.PENANAALNCefAKpN
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若然是以前的自己,肯定是會選擇反抗吧,然而自己並沒有選擇那樣幼稚的作法,大概就是成熟。56Please respect copyright.PENANAjVgMk4iwrq
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身後傳來同事們閱讀報紙之後的各種驚呼,他聞所未聞,繼續著自己的工作。56Please respect copyright.PENANAaSMuiLp054
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過了二十五歲之後,除了工作,赤羽業經常回想的就是一些有關於潮田渚的相處片段。56Please respect copyright.PENANAzUMYlH1bcS
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最初只是一個留著長髮、綁著馬尾、笑起來有些虛幻的少年,放眼望去很容易在眾人中淹沒的稀薄存在感,卻因那時的偶然,令他目光全然留在他身上。56Please respect copyright.PENANAS7oOtWcgX3
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赤羽業從來沒有對潮田渚說過,他對他最初的印象來自於某個放學後的黃昏教室,當時他出了校門憶起遺漏了作業本,便趕緊回教室欲拿取,剛好教室大門尚未關上,他正要踏入之時卻被眼前景緻停住腳步——逢魔時刻的色彩渲染整間教室,在他目光所及之處的人,綁著馬尾,藍色髮絲裡滲透著金黃色,背對著他。56Please respect copyright.PENANAD3qKmhrHdG
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彷彿愛麗絲的兔子洞,誘惑著好奇的孩子一探究竟。56Please respect copyright.PENANABrR7jRGQCN
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日後,他經常回想的就是那樣的場景,靜謐的時刻裡,看著遠方夕陽沈落的少年。56Please respect copyright.PENANAuhjsveY1fS
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假如那時候,更靠近些,或許便能得知少年那時在思考的事情了吧。 56Please respect copyright.PENANAdeJ56gMJ0c
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赤羽業不只一次地這麼揣想。56Please respect copyright.PENANAp9tuoMSqii
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更靠近些,也就更能了解少年了,或者,讓少年想靠近自己,這份從那時便持續的單戀或許就能劃下結果——無論是否如願,至少不用懷抱揣想,一驚一顫地。56Please respect copyright.PENANAxpC2aIyzc6
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結束了一整天的工作,赤羽業走出辦公室時已滿天星斗。56Please respect copyright.PENANAieb3oTE9uG
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冷咧的風吹來,寒的讓人哆嗦,迎風而行的他卻忽然笑了,抑不可止的笑了,剝落了從早上就武裝的情緒笑了。56Please respect copyright.PENANAVyyrPRyb4b
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隨著緊繃情緒忽然的潰堤,他感覺到溫熱的液體從自己的臉龐滑落。56Please respect copyright.PENANAZLxJSU4A2I
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他想自己的確是很難受,不然一向不輕易落淚的他怎會突然無法阻止地不斷掉淚,弔詭是自己臉上還是一副笑容,而他知道自己是真心地露出笑容的。56Please respect copyright.PENANAqDvVq8Wn6T
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原來,再怎麼了解自己,終究還是會有無法理解的地方——就像小說角色因各種情緒的混雜那樣,他又笑又哭。56Please respect copyright.PENANAif3mc1LT6T
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而他以為自己不會。56Please respect copyright.PENANARBn7TAfnyG
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他本來以為自己不會的。56Please respect copyright.PENANAoXompkEAS7
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不過就是喜歡的人似乎有了喜歡的對象,而那個對象偏偏不是自己罷了,沒什麼大不了的。56Please respect copyright.PENANAvwyzV6NWVS
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沒什麼大不了的,不是嗎?56Please respect copyright.PENANAqGijoaAuqu
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不是嗎?56Please respect copyright.PENANAIg3b189tYg
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赤羽業中學之後常常會夢到潮田渚。56Please respect copyright.PENANA3My1OcNi14
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綁著馬尾的他,升上中學三年級之後的他,留著短髮的他。56Please respect copyright.PENANAShm8n1aP5C
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無論哪一個他,只要看到他,潮田渚都會露出笑容往他而來,並說著美妙的話語,是只能在夢裡聽見的情話。56Please respect copyright.PENANAUFrucOUbYv
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所以,在住家周圍見到早上才在報紙裡看到的人出現的時候,赤羽業恍惚還以為自己疲累到走著睡著了——尤其,對方還一臉笑容的往自己走過來時,簡直重現了夢境場景。56Please respect copyright.PENANAjxAKs0pXFO
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「業,你今天好晚回來啊。」56Please respect copyright.PENANAkFM6HXZM4t
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雖然擺著一張笑容,然而赤羽業敏銳感覺到那笑顏下潛藏著的疲憊。56Please respect copyright.PENANA3voQMVJ5a5
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啊啊,是這麼回事嗎?56Please respect copyright.PENANAxGaLmShm3s
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難得的,赤羽業對自己洞悉人性這一點感到厭惡。56Please respect copyright.PENANAKSQyiw0EfM
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「明天有重要的質詢,所以剛剛還在處理。」他頓了頓,並沒想戳破什麼地裝傻「渚,這麼晚了,你怎麼會來呢?」56Please respect copyright.PENANAlZD0MXEcyF
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「……原來,業沒有看到報紙嗎?」不知道是放心還是懊惱,潮田渚呼了口氣「今天我下班回家時,發現家裡附近躲著好幾個記者,大概是想來打聽些事情吧」言至此,赤羽業難得見到潮田渚露出苦笑「而我的父母貌似也被騷擾了,便傳簡訊讓我今天別回家去別處躲著,等過個幾天就會沒事了。」56Please respect copyright.PENANAhhyyK4sy1o
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潮田渚的言詞閃爍,大概是有些顧慮吧。56Please respect copyright.PENANA9qa6RIPrd8
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他並沒有興致去讓自己受傷,因此潮田渚言詞隱蔽的那些內容,儘管他猜得出來,他也不想直接聽到當事人直接說出。56Please respect copyright.PENANAHNxqMvFGdH
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「所以,你想在我這裡待個幾天,是這樣的意思嗎?」他直接點出結論。確實自己之前經常拖著潮田渚灌酒,家裡是有一些渚的換洗衣物跟被子。要是他是渚也會選擇一樣的事情,一來不用花錢住在酒店裡,二來也比較方便。56Please respect copyright.PENANAKTCcsxSK8k
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「對,畢竟,我沒有其他可以拜託的人了。」56Please respect copyright.PENANAA4HtputOER
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赤羽業聽了之後直覺渚在說謊,然而卻找不出任何感覺奇怪的地方。56Please respect copyright.PENANAgqoU40GpX4
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要論交情,自己的確是可以勝任的,然而說找不到人可以拜託?E班的感情在共經患難之後,是非常堅實的,除了自己之外,渚還有很多人可以拜託,想必他們也會十分樂意的(當然,肯定包含看戲的成份)。56Please respect copyright.PENANAqKqRq5yYDN
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只是,渚的為難似乎也是真的,他似乎是真的找不到其他可以拜託的人——是以,才會沒有任何告知,就跑來他家外面等他,而他甚至不知道他會幾點回來地在寒風中等著。56Please respect copyright.PENANAtNML421N1G
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「我知道了,你就在我這裡躲個幾天吧。」56Please respect copyright.PENANAu0DS0ASPVX
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赤羽業有時會想,假如記憶可以回放,那麼潮田渚在他應允之後的那個畫面,他肯定會重溫數次——潮田渚喜出望外地抱住他,透過衣服傳來的溫熱,他曉得渚十分高興,雖然他還感覺到更深層次的欣喜,而那個欣喜在之後才能明白。56Please respect copyright.PENANADvy5Xfxg5y
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當時的他僅僅是以為渚對於他讓他躲在他家裡這件事情感謝而已,直到後來發現誤會一場,他聽見和夢裡一樣的話語時,他才明白那時感覺到的謊言與欣喜的意義。56Please respect copyright.PENANAkwdOfLBrMy
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「二十五歲時,赤羽業看見了自己單戀的人出現在報紙的版面上,那是一個和女明星緋聞的版面。從十三歲和少年相遇的時候,他這一份單戀就開始了。直到年老,他從來也沒說出口。沒有人知道的戀情不存在,所以他只是陪在潮田渚的身邊,他陪了多久,這份單戀就多久。六十五歲時,赤羽業還是陪在喜歡的人身邊。直到老死前,他都沒有說出口。」56Please respect copyright.PENANA6hxMJsLPDm
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以上是我寫文的最初動機與結構。以業的角度出發的單戀,只是,業對於這份戀情並沒有想放手一搏,以致於他和渚的關係始終在非常奇妙的情況。原設定中的渚也並沒有結婚,從業的角度無法知道渚的內心,所以並不能明白渚不結婚的原因。56Please respect copyright.PENANA1eLTbDPQxJ
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不過寫文寫著就會出現慣性,所以最後還是回到不太遺憾的層面。56Please respect copyright.PENANAWSlUMD2KkD
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以前跟徘徊討論過,對於業渚,業必須處於主動才能得到好結果,假如兩個都沒有意識到,儘管遺憾但也不太虐,然而一方清醒一方迴避,那就有趣了。56Please respect copyright.PENANAu7M0TbEQEl
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這文章大概有涉及到這一層面的討論。56Please respect copyright.PENANApf83eu19Kr
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