
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON
Stable shopkeeper DR GREGORY BUTTERSCOTCH is arguing with sweet housekeeper MASTER HARRY CHAN. GREGORY tries to hug HARRY but he shakes him off.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAiCSHXafmZn
Please Harry, don't leave me.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAXFu9vu1S4I
I'm sorry Gregory, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA5QHfqYNt1z
I am such a person!
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HARRY frowns.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAkW8Movjiqc
I'm sorry, Gregory. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
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HARRY leaves.
GREGORY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, hopeful doctor MRS CHANTAL MALKOVICH barges in looking flustered.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAGIOzp4NjDd
Goodness, Chantal! Is everything okay?
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAjhFVIQFRdO
I'm afraid not.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAc02XnQfpik
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAQTbcBEZFFJ
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAbtSdMAdzEu
Defenseless swimmers?
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAKMGyYDykfY
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAN1dr2ifJNu
Bloomin' heck, Chantal! We've got to do something.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAy8bF6idezY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA6mf3OW6k7x
You can start by telling me where this happened.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA5HhX0TrWp6
I was...
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CHANTAL fans herself and begins to wheeze.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA6430eHarZi
Focus Chantal, focus! Where did it happen?
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAVEvZEvclW6
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
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GREGORY springs up and begins to run.
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EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
GREGORY rushes along the street, followed by CHANTAL. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
SHARON PIGEON a spiteful alien terrorises two swimmers.
GREGORY, closely followed by CHANTAL, rushes towards SHARON, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA7pwy9OKPdh
What is is? What's the matter?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANALRwDRJFnVt
That's not just any old alien, that's Sharon Pigeon!
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA4NnhEFjr1Q
Who's Sharon Pigeon?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAaW8W0iW2Ov
Who's Sharon Pigeon? Who's Sharon Pigeon? Only the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAFKlmtuVSoo
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAbFnovmcWJD
You can say that again.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAqhobhxvsy7
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAgAqoRpDDhB
I'm going to need ropes, lots of ropes.
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Sharon turns and sees Gregory and Chantal. She grins an evil grin.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANABmnqQ4BUQa
Gregory Butterscotch, we meet again.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAYfSwRwnOZE
You've met?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA7W1lq4V9xb
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
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EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young GREGORY is sitting in a park listening to some drum and bass music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees SHARON. He takes off his headphones.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAy0gfnoIQ41
Would you like some chocolate?
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GREGORY's eyes light up, but then he studies SHARON more closely, and looks uneasy.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAXsPIZlkSc8
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAg87ODa07yK
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful alien in the world.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAV5r7GZQ16q
Wait, you're a alien?
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GREGORY runs away, screaming.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAD7M1zQowNH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAxZVUCjfk7h
(To GREGORY) You ran away?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA24SDx4NL2v
(To CHANTAL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
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GREGORY turns to SHARON.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAJoXs5PTI4F
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
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GREGORY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA3aNLtA1DTe
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with ropes.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAzOK3xftJNE
I'm not scared of you.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAy90xr50pFr
You should be.
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EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
GREGORY and CHANTAL walk around searching for something.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAxrA4y3Nfuf
I feel sure I left my ropes somewhere around here.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAeSm1YKAUN2
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly ropes.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAs9G7SInOoj
You know nothing Chantal Malkovich.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANADswvJ7VsvB
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
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Suddenly, SHARON appears, holding a pair of ropes.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAoffzN0UZDa
Looking for something?
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAZ8LJJCADCg
Crikey, Gregory, she's got your ropes.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAXQdauZrK5O
Tell me something I don't already know!
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA9QQgZyV0Ae
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA3YnZCFM1Hd
I know that already!
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAwlUWsaqndG
I pick my nose and eat it.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAgDZJpW2vlK
(appalled) Dude!
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While SHARON is looking at CHANTAL with disgust, GREGORY lunges forward and grabs his deadly ropes. He wields them, triumphantly.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAMZfgTRpGXW
Prepare to die, you spiteful cauliflower!
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAukuyTOQra5
No please! All I did was exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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HARRY enters, unseen by any of the others.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAdeCWyyGFIn
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gregory Butterscotch defender of innocent swimmers.
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAHZdqEwdho4
Don't hurt me! Please!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAShwS5u51lQ
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these ropes on you right away!
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANAtZJ9dcleqm
Because Gregory, I am your mother.
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GREGORY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAQbfyM56RON
No you're not!
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SHARON211Please respect copyright.PENANA1SyUzrmtU3
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
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SHARON tries to grab the ropes but GREGORY dodges out of the way.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA5J7jsShEmQ
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
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Unexpectedly, SHARON slumps to the ground.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA1ciiKBvQ9j
Did she just faint?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA8SFJ4ljWog
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly ropes.
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GREGORY crouches over SHARON's body.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA4JVzlcN2Xt
Be careful, Gregory. It could be a trick.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANATlDMFp4ugK
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sharon Pigeon is dead!
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAu2VbloB92E
What?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAMzvPn2V6Bc
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
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CHANTAL claps her hands.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANALZVrpr3MF0
So your ropes did save the day, after all.
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HARRY steps forward.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAhShuEYJRpg
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful alien?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAsOFhryfKAu
Harry how long have you been...?
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HARRY puts his arm around GREGORY.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANA9on6O0sFgC
Long enough.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA6OAKCMqmBF
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sharon Pigeon.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAJ8csirk1Eh
Then the swimmers are safe?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANARhgs1jV3YX
It does seem that way!
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A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANApbHoVUubYF
You are their hero.
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The swimmers bow to GREGORY.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA4opx0U6HKl
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sharon Pigeon will never exterminate swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAzXfoy6Rvw3
You are humble as well as brave!
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One of the swimmers passes GREGORY a magic ring
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAuOyr6NyvR9
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAFiYOUfUXli
I couldn't possibly.
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Pause.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAKICO50FhwN
Well, if you insist.
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GREGORY takes the ring.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA0pzRZ2QKUa
Thank you.
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The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
GREGORY turns to HARRY.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANACohoqPmE5B
Does this mean you want me back?
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAW11akQNpgs
Oh, Gregory, of course I want you back!
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GREGORY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANA4lfSzRATMy
Well you can't have me.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANA2q8F4vLNKL
WHAT?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAAdDkH0veQO
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAqAawUcPyoU
But...
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAdaq9RuHdDz
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Chantal.
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CHANTAL grins.
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAe75qm9XIyh
But...
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANA71RPoUYxEE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
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HARRY211Please respect copyright.PENANAOg46pnpEMM
Gregory?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAJq9mLpiKDP
I'm sorry Harry, but I think you should skidaddle.
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HARRY leaves.
CHANTAL turns to GREGORY.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAL62UoS85Kg
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
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GREGORY211Please respect copyright.PENANAisQyIWbEEQ
Of course you are!
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The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CHANTAL stops.
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CHANTAL211Please respect copyright.PENANAF5hRfLTFQl
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
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THE END
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